Olly - Copy

It is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the men will sing around the campfire at night while the womenfolk rub raw cane spirit into their whip injuries.

We contacted Murs last night who told us: “You must be joking. I’m not having that mad orange twat and his fascist mates setting up a dictatorship on my big face.

“In any case, Jeremy Corbyn has already moved two thousand of his loyalist supporters onto my forehead with a view to building a new Socialist Utopia where the workers can live free from the yoke of the capitalist hyenas without fear of exploitation by the boss classes or recrimination from the media when they’re having a go at the Jews”

More as we get it.