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From our religious affairs correspondent

A 54-year-old Roman Catholic man from Whitechapel who was left with severe burns to his forehead after making the sign of The Cross with holy water from the font at Westminster Cathedral, has told The Whelk that he is now considering making a number of changes to his lifestyle

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street, told us: “I knew I had to address my life choices and move a little closer to God when I felt that holy water sear into my flesh.

“It happened when I went to the font before 10.30 Mass on Sunday and again when I left.

“As well as burning my head, a few droplets fell onto my shoes. I noticed that it took some of the polish off and made them start smoking

“It was pretty excruciating, to be honest, and has actually left the sign of The Cross burned into my flesh.

“I even checked my hands, feet, and side for signs of stigmata when I got home but I seem to be ok on that score.

“I’m now going to give up drink, gambling, and sleeping with all of my wife’s four sisters, although I might still ask them to send me a few saucy photos now and again as I don’t want to rush things too much.

“I’m also going to stop using industrial language in a casual manner, although as a supporter of West Ham United, I realise this won’t be at all easy when the football results are being read out on the radio”

A spokesman for the Cathedral told us: “We are always delighted when a worshipper moves closer to The Lord. However, we should point out, that due to coronavirus, we have been filling the fonts with caustic soda at night to sanitise them and this is not drained off and rinsed away until just before the sung Latin Mass at 4.30 pm”