Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1

************

Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those posh department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, princess

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette