In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.