The Department of Education has announced that from May 2021 children from the age of 11 upwards will be taught how to put a brave face on being sacked from their job due to the financial downturn brought about by the pandemic coupled with the Brexit financial hit.
Children will be taught a number of skills; including how to look stoical when the boss delivers a final address to the workforce in the canteen, outlining how the company are fucked despite the management’s best efforts, and how not to appear visibly shaken when arriving at the factory gates and finding them padlocked and chained.
Tuition in desk-clearing and consoling distraught colleagues will also be covered, along with benefits-claiming and guidelines on explaining to the kids why they can only eat one hot meal every other day and only be allowed one bath per week in a zinc tub in front of an open fire fuelled by gathered acorns.
A spokesman for the Department of Education said last night: “It’s vital that today’s youngsters leave school fully-equipped to deal with life in the workplace and that includes learning how to deal with the almost nailed-on prospect of losing their jobs and homes before taking to a life of hopeless despair on the streets as a drink-addled stumblebum”
This news comes just two weeks after it was revealed that domestic science lessons in schools were going to include guidance on preparing a thin gruel from kerbside leaf debris and how to make a nourishing hotpot from various types of roadkill.