The Department of Education has announced that from May 2021 children from the age of 11 upwards will be taught how to put a brave face on being sacked from their job due to the financial downturn brought about by the pandemic coupled with the Brexit financial hit.
Children will be taught a number of skills; including how to look stoical when the boss delivers a final address to the workforce in the canteen, outlining how the company are fucked despite the management’s best efforts, and how not to appear visibly shaken when arriving at the factory gates and finding them padlocked and chained.
Tuition in desk-clearing and consoling distraught colleagues will also be covered, along with benefits-claiming and guidelines on explaining to the kids why they can only eat one hot meal every other day and only be allowed one bath per week in a zinc tub in front of an open fire fuelled by gathered acorns.
A spokesman for the Department of Education said last night: “It’s vital that today’s youngsters leave school fully-equipped to deal with life in the workplace and that includes learning how to deal with the almost nailed-on prospect of losing their jobs and homes before taking to a life of hopeless despair on the streets as a drink-addled stumblebum”
This news comes just two weeks after it was revealed that domestic science lessons in schools were going to include guidance on preparing a thin gruel from kerbside leaf debris and how to make a nourishing hotpot from various types of roadkill.
December 2, 2020 at 4:57 am
Long overdue.
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December 2, 2020 at 6:52 am
Keep my library book out of this – Ed
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December 2, 2020 at 6:05 am
Good to see education systems keeping up with the times.
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December 2, 2020 at 6:53 am
A small step but a good one. Next, I suggest the teaching of alcoholism and vagrancy
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December 2, 2020 at 4:46 pm
So many have a natural talent for this, I’m sure there would be some outstanding award winners in this category.
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December 2, 2020 at 5:45 pm
Keep my wife out of this.
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December 2, 2020 at 7:23 pm
😁
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December 2, 2020 at 6:32 am
I can inform you, that the Government is serious about helping the underclass, untermensch, illegal immigrants, lower-class masses who claim the benefit and carry on working in the underworld, who need these guidelines.
Why, only yesterday the Right Honourable Michael Andrew Gove, gave and granted permission for Inchcock; a four times made-reduntantee, and ailing failing Nottinghamian pensioner and frequent NHS services recipient, permission to reveal his Stickleback-Stew recipe, and intends to make it public, in our efforts to ameliorate the effects of being made redundant.
Yours, Sir Anthony Charles Lynton Blair.
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December 2, 2020 at 6:55 am
Stickleback stew eh? Have you been watching that River Cottage again?!
Why I outta…!
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December 2, 2020 at 7:54 am
Well it’s cheap enough to make, and the fish comes from the Nottingham arboretum, mate.
What’s river cottage, then?
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December 2, 2020 at 2:24 pm
I spin different. Now to just get the post out… Always interesting, man, always interesting.
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December 2, 2020 at 3:49 pm
That’s good because we in the interestin’ business as luck would have it.
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December 2, 2020 at 4:00 pm
You cheeky dude! We don’t always agree, but I gotta love your sense of humor. A sense of humor means there’s a brain in residence, a sense of fair play, and as much willingness to learn as to teach.
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December 2, 2020 at 3:24 pm
Can you do an online version for an occupant of a house on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, DC?
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December 2, 2020 at 3:51 pm
Don’t sweat this one. When the time comes, he’ll leave that office beautifully and preciously. So preciously
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