Dear Sir

If you’re too tired to make an early morning cup of tea, simply drink one just before you go to sleep. Your body temperature will then keep it warm through the night, so that all you need do in the morning is make yourself sick into an empty mug which you have left on your bedside table and re-drink it..

Gus Ironliver

Stepney E2


Dear Sir

In my opinion, these wind turbines are ridiculous. We have quite enough wind in this country without building these great big fans. Yet again it’s another case of wasting taxpayer’s money on unnecessary follies.

Mary-Jane Fuck

Spitalfields E4


Dear Sir

Why is it considered acceptable for horses to shit in the street, and yet when I did it last Saturday night outside The Ten Bells, I was arrested and beaten up in the cells? I wouldn’t mind but I’m the one who pays council tax

Gwendoline Bestial-Rutting

West Ham E7


Dear Sir

My local butcher’s shop is so clean you could eat an uncooked sausage out of his trouser pocket. I know this to be true as I spotted my wife doing just that last week and she has shown no ill effects whatsoever

Teddy Gizzard

Whitechapel E1


Dear Sir

I watched a hospital-based documentary last night, during which, an ambulance pulled up outside with a sick patient inside. Almost immediately, a young nurse came out and asked the driver if he ‘wanted to offload’. How typical of our caring health workers that this young woman’s first instinct was to offer to masturbate this hardworking paramedic.

Tracy Ribcage