adult affection baby child
An elderly couple in ebullient mood as their kids’ desperate dash to finish them off begins

Tens of thousands of desperate Londoners made a dash for railway and coach stations on Saturday night as the government’s imposition of strict travel curbs threatened to dash their hopes of killing their elderly relatives over the Christmas period.

While many of the central London travel hubs, such as Victoria Coach Station and St Pancras railway terminal, were overwhelmed by huge crowds – desperately trying to wipe out their parents and grandparents before the midnight deadline for the Tier 4 regulations came into being – large numbers also created huge motorway tailbacks as the race to finish off elderly loved ones reached a fever pitch.

We spoke to one would-be traveller, Toby Dell, 54, from Thrawl Street in Whitechapel, who was on his way by train to kill his 72-year-old widowed mother in Hertfordshire: “The news of travel restrictions came as a hammer blow, to be honest.

“I could see my opportunity of settling my mum’s hash once and for all slipping away and knew that I would have to do everything humanly possible to finally finish her off.

“I’m hoping to get the train to Welwyn Garden City and then walk the rest of the way so that I can spend the entire Christmas period putting her at grave risk before coming back for the New Year to hopefully wipe out my in-laws who are also knocking on a bit.

“I can’t wait to see them all fighting for breath on ventilators, to be honest”

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, called the exodus ‘irresponsible’ and called for people to ‘show common sense’.

“If people just exercise some restraint over the festive period, I’m wholly confident that this government will finish most of the old folks off via welfare cuts and a crippling period of renewed austerity anyway”

On a serious note, anybody who puts the vulnerable at risk by refusing to wear a mask or by assembling in large gatherings etc should be dragged out into the street and flogged to the bone. In our humble opinion of course – Ed