stalin

Dear Sir

I wish to express my disquiet at the recent High Court decision to find the actor, Johnny Depp, guilty of assaulting his wife.
I have just watched the film, Edward Scissorhands, in which Depp plays the lead, and it’s fairly obvious, that if the bloke HAD given his missus the odd backhander, he’d have chopped her head off.

Ben Cartwright
Ponderosa Trading Estate
White City

***********

Dear Sir

I have managed to alleviate the symptoms of claustrophobia by going into small spaces, such as lifts and cupboards, looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars

Gus Toad
Braintree
Tasmania

************

Dear Sir

I have discovered, that if you staple together a number of those ads for sex phone lines that you find towards the back of men’s magazines you can make a handy little softcore grumble mag for a pet hamster or tortoise.

Melania Trump

Mexico

*********

Dear Sir

In his smash hit single, Dancin’ In The Dark, Bruce Springstein makes the claim that you can’t start a fire without a spark.
So how come the Germans managed to burn down my nan and grandad’s house during the war by dropping a bomb on it, killing them both instantly?
Come on Bruce, Do your research.

Archbishop of Canterbury
12 Shit Street
Bermondsey

*********

Dear Sir

They say that music soothes the savage beast, and yet my wife was yesterday torn to pieces and devoured by a lion while we were on safari in Africa, despite the fact that I was playing, Take Me Home Country Roads, on the mouth organ at the time

Ted Fuck
Grimsby

**********

Dear Sir

I’ve managed to convince my neighbours I’m a lorry driver by purchasing a 5-tonne low-loader which I use to pick up and murder hitchhikers

Theresa May
Dar Es Salaam

************

Dear Sir

I’ve never understood the concept of Strictly Come Dancing
Instead of going to the time and expense of training celebrities to waltz and cha cha cha over the course of a number of weeks, why not just employ some pro dancers and we can watch them instead.
The money saved could be used to build new hospitals or something.

Boris Johnson
Unicorn Avenue
Titsfield