A local man with a long history of masochistic behaviour was rushed to The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon after a neighbour spotted him lying unconscious and badly self-beaten in his back yard.
Toby Dell, 54, from Berner Street, had given himself such a good hiding during a bout of self-battering that he required thirty six stitches to facial wounds and was also treated for abrasions and deep bruising to the torso and upper thighs.
Dell, who has been working himself over for more than twenty years told a Whelk reporter: “I decided I’d been a naughty boy that needed to be disciplined.
“I started with some light flagellation using a leather riding crop but got a bit carried away and ending up giving myself a thoroughly good tonking.
“I feel dreadful at being a drain on the NHS at a time when they are stretched to breaking point and will be beating the crap out of myself as a punishment as soon as I get home.”
In other related news, a 32-year-old woman with sadistic tendencies was arrested at her home last week for allegedly forcing her husband to watch three episodes of The Michael McIntyre Show while nailed to the ceiling.