A 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.
Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.
Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.
His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.
The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as ‘comfortable but a bit shaken’
A police spokesman told newsmen: “Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.
“He has admitted to the offence, blaming disappointment at discovering that post-Brexit bananas had not yet been straightened.
“Wait till he finds out that we still haven’t got rid of all the blacks”
More as we get it.
January 8, 2021 at 9:16 am
Fucking hell! Is old Mike really 97? He doesn’t look a day over ninety six and a half.
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January 8, 2021 at 9:18 am
That’s because he uses Camay soap, mate. It leaves his skin looking so much younger. It’s all about the kipper oil in it, apparently.
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January 8, 2021 at 9:19 am
Gotcha
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January 8, 2021 at 10:06 am
Utopian promises by politicians lead to riots on the US Capitol, for example, which recently got a banana of another sort, a really straight one.
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January 8, 2021 at 11:27 am
Excellent analogy, Weggers. I assume you’ve been supping thirstily from The Font of Wisdom again. Better days are ahead on many fronts, my friend.
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January 8, 2021 at 1:20 pm
No, but a solid single malt scotch might help improve my discernment!
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January 8, 2021 at 4:00 pm
Yours and mine both, Doug 😉
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January 8, 2021 at 10:06 am
Reblogged this on – MIKE STEEDEN – and commented:
I note I’ve been mentioned in despatches. The Whitechapel Whelk, an online rag tell of my pitiful downfall. What can I say other than, ‘fame at last’. Those special few who can create worthy satire at the drop of a hat are few and far between. They have my respect, and importantly…yes, satire is very important when it rips the **** out of the stupidity of politics and politicians…satire doesn’t come much better than of the ‘Whelk’. A fine post, Lionel, you fairly cheered me up on a freezing day.
To those outside of the UK who may not be aware of the ‘bendy banana issue’ it was, a few years back, the ‘right wing’ Brexit types who put out a false claim that the EU were going to ban said ‘bendy bananas’. Although a lie, many millions of the gullible populous fell for it. Super stuff, Lionel.
I should add, in case the Brexit brigade see fit to ensure my knighthood, that I am an old socialist and loath…with a vengeance…all things ‘right of centre’, their undisguised racism in particular. Read on;
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January 8, 2021 at 3:49 pm
Gotta feel sorry for a citizen who believes what the politicians tell him. Since he has a shotgun, why not deport him to the US? We could use an old fart like him here. Gullable and has a gun. A winning combination.
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January 14, 2021 at 7:22 pm
LOLOLOL!
I forgot about this place.
I’ve been following from years ago, but for some reason…. forgot. It took the bendy banana Steeden to remind me with his reblog.
Good work!
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January 15, 2021 at 8:23 am
Welcome back, YOU CRAZY YOUNG FOOL!!!
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January 15, 2021 at 7:28 pm
Thank you, Thank you!
Just delete “young” and it’s perfect!
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January 16, 2021 at 4:59 am
Welcome Back! YOU CRAZY PERSON OF INDETERMINATE AGE!!!
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January 16, 2021 at 5:42 pm
Hahahahaha!
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