United States President-Elect, Joe Biden, broke away from his inauguration preparations earlier to tell a Whelk reporter that his primary goal before he addresses the current health emergency and the rise of the far-right is to follow every blog on WordPress in a bid to get huge quantities of likes everytime he publishes a piece.
“I’ve noticed that some contributors are attracting literally hundreds of likes despite the fact that their own output is absolute garbage”, he told us.
“There’s one dude wearing an army hat who regularly attracts huge amounts of likes and his blog is a real piece of boring crap.
“I can only put it down to the fact that he follows just about every blog on the whole damn site, from appalling self-published book bandits to the blogs based on self-help, dieting, and sceptic tank-emptying.
“I aim to kick that guys ass and become the most successful blogger of all damn times”
When our reporter asked him how he was going to find time to read all those blogs, he chuckled and replied: “Read ’em? Hell, nobody reads other people’s shit.
“You just scroll down the reader and click on the little star gizmo beneath the blogs that follow you back.
“I only ever read two blogs with any degree of regularity and that’s, The Shinbone Star, because they rip the piss out of Trump, and, The Whitechapel Whelk, which is a limey newspaper cobbled together by a bunch of East London juice-head satirists.
“It’s a damn funny read and I’m going to reward those boys by awarding them The Congressional Medal of Honour or some shit like dat”
In tomorrow’s edition: ‘How I bagged myself eighty thousand Twitter followers by posting saucy shower pics of Prince Philip, by Her Majesty The Queen.
January 20, 2021 at 9:11 am
What do you mean, nobody reads other blogs?! I spend morning, noon and night, poring over the grim prose and dodgy poetry that gets churned out ad-nauseum.
I’m a particular fan of the self-publishing brigade and have spent countless hours downloading horrendous detective yarns and eye-wateringly poor historical bodice rippers from Amazon’s bargain bucket!
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 9:12 am
You lying bleeder!
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 9:13 am
Doh! π¦
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 9:12 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 9:59 am
So whatβs Joβs blog handle?
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 10:38 am
Well, he wasn’t prepared to be quoted in print but he did confide to our hack that he was toying with, ‘Sleepy Joe’s Sceptic Tank-Emptying Emporium’
That’s just between us though, ok?
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 20, 2021 at 10:11 am
How true is all that… I am out of breath π€£ππ€£ππ
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 10:36 am
It’s the treadmill Lampy. Try decreasing the incline a bit.
Now you and I can see the grim truth that shores up the piece but there will be plenty of others who will be having a little squirm, trust me π – Ed
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 20, 2021 at 3:24 pm
At last, a voice of reason. The Whelk will be more popular than ever bringing the world’s most important news. ( Off to mark my day’s quota of likes.)
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 8:00 pm
We will continue to wield the mighty sword of Truth and Justice and be a shining beacon, lighting up every dark corner of the world…apart from the gents toilets in Whitechapel High Street. There’s no way we’re going in there!
LikeLiked by 2 people
January 20, 2021 at 3:46 pm
Maybe the only thing Joe accomplishes during his term. You go, Joe.
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 7:58 pm
President Biden will be signing around 14 executive orders this evening, reversing some of the fascistic nonsense imposed on the statute books by the previous clown. So not a bad start as early accomplishments go I would humbly suggest
LikeLiked by 2 people
January 20, 2021 at 5:09 pm
At last.. a politician with the right priorities….
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 8:02 pm
Trump tried to achieve this feat apparently but he decided to wait for the brightly-coloured, pop-up version.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 20, 2021 at 5:32 pm
I heard Biden will create a Blog Laureate post and that the Whelk has the inside track, but you’ll have to write some stuff for free for him to use at state dinners.
LikeLike
January 20, 2021 at 8:06 pm
Shouldn’t be a problem, Dan. He called our news desk just a few weeks back and asked if one of the editorial staff could read a Ted Stupor piece at the inauguration. Sadly, he was imprisoned at the airport yesterday afternoon for having a Mexican grandma.
LikeLiked by 3 people
January 21, 2021 at 9:24 am
Liking this post and not even bothering to wear a hat. You are pardoned by the way.
LikeLiked by 1 person