axe
A bloody axe similar to the type of desperate, ‘please buy me’, thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 55-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of publishing-based jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to resort to constantly having his work launched on Amazon in a desperate bid for some kind of recognition no matter how ill-deserved.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“Then, he seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, during which he would attack published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King, Steinbeck and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

The injured man is now recovering in The Royal London Hospital where he is said to be comfortable and availing himself of a number of the proper books from the hospital library

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed that people lacking the talent to have their work published in the conventional way prefer to be known as ‘indie authors’, which, we are reliably informed is the abbreviated vernacular for indescribably atrocious. You can also recognise them easily enough by their penchant for inserting the word, author, writer, bard, or, novelist, in their online screen name.