I’m a single mum of two children aged 6 and 9 so this lockdown period has been pretty stressful for me and the kids too as you can imagine.
Money has been very tight and I’ve even had to go without an evening meal sometimes to make sure the children are fed.
On top of everything I have fallen a few weeks behind with the rent on our flat and the landlord is threatening to evict us unless I can find the money within the next seven days.
I’ve begged him to give us more time but he won’t listen.
Please help if you can Danny as I’m desperate and don’t know which way to turn.
I went round to see your landlord last night and began negotiations on your behalf by knocking some of his front teeth out with a right-hander as soon as he opened the door.
I then sickened the mug with a few big bombs to the body, rupturing his spleen and breaking two of his ribs.
He hit the deck like a sack of spuds so I went in with the boot, giving him a few powerful toe-enders to his kidneys to liven the chump up a bit.
Next, I stamped on his face, giving him the old five-millimeter tread before dragging him to his feet so that I could stick the nut on him a few times.
As he slid down the wall, his missus rushed out and started telling me that he’d had enough and to leave it out but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.
After pulling his strides down and striping him across the arse with a straight razor, I made him sign an agreement that you don’t owe any rent and that in future he’s going to pay you to live there.
I hope this sets your mind at rest sweetheart and that you enjoy the slap-up nosebag I’ve ordered for you and the kids from The Savoy, paid for out of the cheque for two thousand smackers that I made him sign before throwing him into his fish pond.
All The Very Best For The Future
Danny Sparko is vice-chairman of the East London Ruptured Spleen and Broken Eye Socket Association