The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex plan to establish themselves as East London crime bosses in the style of the notorious Kray twins who ruled the London underworld in the late fifties and sixties.
We have learned from a man who sometimes drinks in The Carpenters pub in Bethnal Green, a former watering hole of Ronald and Reginald Kray and other members of their fearsome East End ‘Firm’, that Harry and Meghan have already started moving in on some of the local billiard halls, drinking clubs and illegal gambling dens, or, ‘spielers’ in and around the Whitechapel and Spitalfields area.
The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us: “The Sussex firm are slowly taking over a lot of the East London clubs and drinkers and people are getting worried that we’ll see a return to the lawless days when The Twins had the East End and also a good part of the West End in their pockets back in the old days.
“A few of the local car dealerships have already been targeted for protection after being visited by some of Harry and Meghan’s heavies, with one dealer getting nailed to a billiard table in The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel for being late with his ‘pension’.
“Of the two, Harry seems to be the most reasonable one, who will give creditors an extra day or two to come up with the money, but Meghan’s a different story altogether.
“She’s unstable and dangerous with a hair-trigger temper and a tendency to explode at the slightest hint of disrespect or liberty-taking.
“A few nights back, she used a cutlass to carve her initials into the arse of a club owner in Shoreditch who asked her if she’d put on a bit of weight during the lockdown.
“She’s also been visiting a number of boozers in the Buckingham Palace Road, hoping to come across The Queen who she’s threatened to give a striping because Her Majesty announced plans to take away Meghan’s royal pension that’s due when she retires at 65.
‘Although to be fair to the woman, she’s very good to her old mum and always visits her for a Sunday afternoon, sit-down tea and makes sure she’s got enough money for the rent and the odd new frock now and again.
‘Harry’s a lot more laid-back, although you still need to be wary of the geezer as he’s often pissed on gin and pilled-up at the weekends and once shot a geezer in the Blind Beggar for allegedly having a pop at Princess Ann while they were in the bogs having a gypsy’s kiss.
“To be fair if the royals do take over the manor a lot of people will be hoping that they’ll be willing to sort out problems for local people like the twins used to back in the day.
‘It’d be nice to think you could go round to their house if you’re having trouble with the landlord or a nuisance neighbour, knowing that Harry and Meghan would shoot round on a visit in a big motor and give the scumbags concerned a good old fashioned straightener on the cobbles with the old brass knuckles or a life preserver”
Police are now concerned that trouble could flare up between the Sussex mob and the rival firm from across the river in Camberwell run by the infamous Cambridge family headed by Prince ‘Willy The Jew’ Cambridge and his criminally insane wife, ‘ Maltese’ Katy C.
If you have any information which could be relevant to this piece, for fuck’s sake keep it to yourself and don’t tell the Old Bill, unless you want to end up in the foundations of a new tower block or being fed to the pigs on an urban farm on The Isle of Dogs – Ed