This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.
The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.
We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.
We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’
Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:
The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1
Thanks very much – Ed
The Whitechapel Whelk 
February 18, 2021 at 3:48 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
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February 18, 2021 at 3:49 am
But, I saw Mrs B earlier on, curled up, fast akip under the sports desk. There was no crushing going on that I could see!
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February 18, 2021 at 3:50 am
Shut it, you twat! Do you want a lunchtime skinful or not??
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February 18, 2021 at 3:51 am
Gotcha.
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February 18, 2021 at 5:16 am
Transparent as a pane of glass …or a glass of pain – #drinkingfund despicable to use a cat in this way, plus what sort of a name is Mrs Bastard – Socks, Ginger, Marmalade …just saying far more believable names for a cat. I think you e been drinking already and it has impaired your sense of irony or sense of something.
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February 18, 2021 at 7:44 am
Ok, we’ll meet you in the middle. How about we rename her, Mrs Ginger Bastard? Serious question.
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February 18, 2021 at 8:02 am
Is bastard gender specific though I always think of it used in conjunction with the male sex so …I’m just not sure that sounds right
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February 18, 2021 at 8:40 am
Not gender specific at all, sadly. You see, any cat born out of wedlock is deemed to be a bastard kitten. Therefore, as Mrs Bastard’s parents were live-in lovers at the time of her conception and birth she quite rightly bears the mark of their shame. I hope this clears up any lingering doubts or concerns you may have going forward.
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February 18, 2021 at 8:41 am
Wonderful..but I’m still not donating to your pub fund 😁
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February 18, 2021 at 8:55 am
I have a feeling you won’t be alone in your reticence, Kate. These things are always worth a try mind!
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February 18, 2021 at 10:34 pm
😂😂😂 I applaud your effort and like it to that of the indie author ✍️ we’re all just trying to poach some drinking money (or something)
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February 18, 2021 at 7:04 am
Lay off the poor boys Kate,
Dey was only jessing. Mrs B. sounds quite cute.
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February 18, 2021 at 7:45 am
Wait till she finds out about our other office cat from the same litter, Sir David Fuckface.
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February 18, 2021 at 12:01 pm
If only I could get out to the bank. But you know, with the lockdown and all, plus, I need to save my cash to lay a bet down on that soccer, er, um, I mean football game between Whitechaple and those other hoodlums.
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February 18, 2021 at 5:52 pm
It’s a story as old as time itself, Dan.
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February 18, 2021 at 2:33 pm
My cheque is in the mail.
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February 18, 2021 at 5:53 pm
I wish it would hurry up. The travel editor’s tongue’s hanging out here!
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February 20, 2021 at 2:06 am
I can get my hands on some randykrugers if that helps?
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February 20, 2021 at 6:36 am
When you get to our age you take what you can get, mate, Send ’em.
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