pippa
Nutcracker sweet. Pippa proudly displaying the buns of steel that wowed the entire nation

In a gesture of support for the underfire Duchess of Sussex, Pippa Middleton, the pert-bottomed sister of future Queen of England, Kate, has told friends that she intends to crack an entire quarter-pound bag of walnuts between the cheeks of her buttocks outside swanky, top people’s store, Harrods, next Tuesday afternoon in protest at Meghan’s treatment by the media.

A close friend of the powerfully-cheeked, ‘almost-royal’ told The Whelk: “Pippa’s really upset by the treatment that Meghan is receiving from the press on both sides of the Atlantic and wants to show her support.

“Also, she doesn’t like the way that Kate is getting all the attention these days, now that nobody’s talking about Pippa’s arse like they used to in the months after Wills and Kate got spliced.

“By cracking walnuts in her bum crack while holding a pro-Megs banner she’ll be able to show her support for Meghan, while, at the same time, draw people’s attention once more to her cracking set of buns”

Pippa’s protest is not entirely without royal precedent.

In May 1966, Princess Margaret, showed her opposition to the Labour government of Harold Wilson by removing her underwear at The State Opening of Parliament and shooting the entire contents of a packet of KP dry roast peanuts from her vaginal passage as the Prime Minister took up his seat in The House of Commons.