achilles

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the naked and unfettered hatred he felt towards an elderly lady who kept him waiting in line at the post office exceeded the burning loathing that the Ancient Greek hero, Achilles, felt towards Hector, after the Trojan hero had slain Achilles’ beloved cousin, Patrocles.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Commercial Street, told us: “I had been in that queue for half an hour at least and had just got to the front, apart from this old lady who started dithering at the counter.

“She seemed to have forgotten what she came in for and was quizzing the woman at the counter as to what it could be.

“I felt this towering rage building inside of me along with the realisation that I wanted this old biddy dead and fast.

“I knew it was wrong but at that point my murderous rage was far in excess of that felt by mighty Achilles towards Hector after finding out that the Trojan warrior had slain Patrocles in battle and stolen his armour.

“Make no mistake, if I’d had a sword and chariot handy, I would cheerfully have hacked the old trout to death and then tethered her naked body to the back axle with a length of rawhide and dragged her around the Whitechapel boundary to express my hatred for her and to disrespect her corpse before her loved ones”

In 1987, a 45-year-old woman from Spitalfields, ensnared an elderly local man in a net as he sat in the tub and then stabbed him multiple times, in a grim reconstruction of the slaying of Agamemnon by his unfaithful wife, Clytemnestra, when the frail pensioner kept her waiting in the supermarket queue after insisting on paying at the checkout with money-off coupons