Olly - Copy

 

In a surprise announcement last night, the Foreign and Colonial Office has confirmed that up to ten thousand Afghans, fleeing the Taliban, will be offered temporary housing on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs, after arriving in this country.

A government spokesperson told newsmen: “The government are determined to rescue as many British nationals as possible along with Afghans who have put their own safety at risk to help our troops during the last twenty years.

“We have therefore decided to build a number of temporary homes on Olly Murs’ big face with a view to housing up to ten thousand refugees until more permanent residences can be offered further down the line.

“It is the government’s aim to house five thousand on his massive spam forehead with the rest being located on other parts of his gigantic dial, including his nostrils and ears, where elderly and vulnerable people will be able to shelter from the more extreme weather over the coming months.”

The Dance With Me star was unable to comment last night as he’s currently on tour on the Isle Of Wight, but his mother, Marjory, 98, told newsmen: “I spoke to Olly last night and he’s more than happy to house these poor people on his massive clock and is looking forward to getting home and lying down in his back garden so that the builders can get cracking.”

Murs’ selfless actions were greeted enthusiastically last night, in particular by roly-poly TV host, Eamon Holmes, who, in 1972, housed over two thousand Ugandan Asians, fleeing the murderous despot, Idi Amin, on one of the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.