Poo Chelsea fan

A Brighton-based fan of ailing football club, Manchester United, who has always claimed that his lifelong allegiance to the club was down to a tenuous familial link to a town situated 40-miles from Manchester, has begun poring over family tree data, looking for a link to any town within a 60-mile radius of high-flying London club, Chelsea FC, before telling all and sundry that he’s been a Blues fan all his life.

Larry Jenkins, 62, has become so disillusioned by the stricken Manchester giants’ plight over recent years he has decided to switch allegiance as soon as he can establish a spurious link to the table-topping West London side.

“I’ve had it with United” he told The Sussex Argos. “I’ve made claim to an utterly spurious family tie to that club, man and boy, but enough is enough.

‘I’m going to abandon my assertion that my great uncle Bob lived on the outskirts of Sheffield and try to find someone in the family tree with a link to Chelsea, no matter how tenuous.

‘In fact, my missus once bought a top from Chelsea Girl in Hove in the seventies so I might use that one’.

Jenkins is part of a growing number of southerners with no Mancunian links whatsoever who are now desperately trying to find glory elsewhere.

Promotion-chasing East London club, Leyton Orient, has reported record shirt sales during the last six months, mainly from former United fans, desperately looking to salvage a modicum of kudos from jeering friends and work colleagues.

Editor’s Note: For our foreign readers, Man Utd are a club in the north of England, famous for having a huge fan base in the south of the country despite the fact that 99.999% of these clowns have never been further north than Tottenham Hale which is not very far north at all.