Hi fellow wrongdoers!

Now just because we’re incarcerated doesn’t mean we can’t strive to keep our bodies strong and supple and our minds agile and in tip-top condition.

I’ve been in the slammer for months now, and, during that time I’ve achieved a level of fitness I could only dream of when I was a filthy-rich socialite, procuring underage pussy for my late lamented pal and mentor, Jeffrey Epstein.

Here are just 5 of the simple and effective routines I’ve employed to stay bang in shape while languishing in stir. So why not give it at a go yourself during your time in the shovel and pick:

1: Prison Bar Presses (triceps, deltoids, pectorals) – With your feet slightly apart and standing around three feet from the bars of your cage, lean forward, grab those bars and press until your elbows are bent at around 90 degrees and then repeat for 20 reps.

2: Piss Pot Raises (lower back, glutes, hamstrings) – Stand, feet apart, over your chamber pot, bend from the waist and grab your receptacle while keeping the wrists rigid. Then, quickly return to a standing position while swinging the pot up above your head.
Experienced lags could try this one with a full pot to add resistance to the movement, but be careful or you may have to stop the routine to mop urine from the floor or to remove a dislodged roscoe from your head.

3: Striping The Screw Lateral Lifts ( deltoids, triceps, quads) – In the prison workshop, fashion a razor-sharp tool out of a toothbrush handle and smuggle it back to your cell inside your anal cavity.
Then, the next time a prison officer enters your cell to give it a spin for contraband or gear, rise quickly from your bunk, using those thighs to propel you towards your target.
Then simply slash away to head and body for 10 to 15 reps or until your vision is impaired by blood spatter.
Be advised that this one could see you getting a serious clumping from 7 or 8 screws later in the day followed by a spell in the hole, but it’ll be worth it when you see those power-packed quads rippling the next time you’re squatting down over your pot for an Eartha Kitt after breakfast.

4: Potting Up The Nonce Deadlifts (forearms, deltoids, abs and obliques) – An old Windsor Hotel favourite and very effective movement.
Stand close to your bars until it’s time for the paedos and other sex cases to slop out. Then, as they pass your ‘peter’ quickly grab your brim-full chamber pot in an explosive movement and hurl the contents over the passing beast.
I won’t be doing this one for obvious reasons

5: Jail Break Jumps ( forearms, wrists, calves, lats)
This final exercise is a real cardio-vascular banger, so we’ll end our session with this one.
During morning exercise, make an explosive dash towards the perimeter fence, really using those calves and hamstrings to the max as you sprint for the wire.
Then, throw yourself against the fence and begin scaling, using those lat muscles and glutes to gain height.
Only one rep is usually necessary with this one as you will probably be shot repeatedly in the back from the lookout tower by a warden with a machine gun, or fried to a cinder by 20,000 volts as soon as you touch the wire.

So that’s it guys. Let’s get ripped and ready in The Big House and remember, no pain, no parole hearing!

Ghislaine ‘The Max’ Maxwell
Segregation Wing
Rikers Island
New York NY.