grunter
Disgraced pensioner, Toby Dell, pictured winning the 1999 Iron Grunter Triathlon

There was jubilation in the London district of Whitechapel last night when it was announced that the East London area would be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2024.

The district, with an average age of 87, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including; Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himylayas which boasts an average age of 103, and, Bournemouth on the south coast of England, which claims to sell more Phyllosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.

The district now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues.

It is estimated that building costs on public lavatories alone are expected to exceed a billion pounds.

Among the events being staged in and around the proposed new Derby And Joan Arena are: The 10000m Wandering Off Aimlessly; Throwing The Commode Cover; The 4 x 100m Having A Bit Of A Fall, and the gruelling, Iron Grunter Triathlon, where over 200 of the world’s fittest coffin dodgers will compete cheek by jowl in three taxing disciplines during which they will be required to talk about the war for over three hours before leaping onto mobility scooters to nip down to the corner shop for a nice bit of brisket.

Finally, in a punishing, lung-bursting effort, they’ll have to hold everybody up in the queue for the supermarket checkout by handing over dozens of money-off vouchers before laboriously counting out small change in an effort to ‘get rid of their coppers’.

A spokesperson for the IAAF, The Infirm and Arthritic Athletes Federation, congratulated Whitechapel on their achievement in winning the games but then went on to place great emphasis on fair play and the Corinthian spirit.

‘Strict guidelines will be in place to ensure that each event is contested on a level playing field’, he told newsmen

‘Any underhand or questionable practices will be dealt with swiftly and equitably, in keeping with the Olympic spirit”

This was clearly a reference to the ill-fated games of 1999 when 78-year-old Tobias Dell, the gold medallist and world record holder in the 100m allotment-weeding final, was subsequently tested and found to be under the influence of performance-enhancing, Wincarnis Tonic Wine.

Dell was also found to be wearing outlawed goloshes which had been treated with a slick silicone coating, enabling him to cut through the air faster as he raced up and down his vegetable plot spraying the bindweed on his Jersey Royals potato crop.

Also, at the discredited Games, the 1500m wheelchair race, the blue riband event, was badly tarnished after Klaus Himler, the German winner of the event, was discovered to have driven the entire race in a forbidden and extremely dangerous spiked wheelchair, causing several of his opponents to career from the track after having their spokes badly mangled in tight corners.

The Games will be staged during the four weeks from 17th July 2024, although brief breaks will be permitted from time to time to allow athletes to nip home to feed the cat and/or to take a nap in the afternoons.