A 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.
Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.
‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.
‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.
‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground by doing circuits of the back garden for about half an hour.
‘I’ll get the missus to bring me out a takeaway kebab at some point as I always like a bit of scoff on the way to the match to soak up the ale.
‘Then, after urinating up the garden fence to faithfully replicate my pre-match Jimmy Riddle in public, I’ll show my ticket to the missus at the back door before going in to watch the game on the telly.
‘At half-time, I’ll steam into a few more cans of lager that I’ve smuggled in past the kids, who will be dressed in hi-viz jackets and acting as stewards.
‘After the match, I’ll go back into the garden for the dummy walk home, and if The Hammers have lost, I’ll jump the fence into next-door’s garden and beat seven shades of shit out of the bloke who lives there to recreate a spot of post-match soccer hooliganism.
‘Finally, it’ll be back indoors for a few cold sharpeners from the fridge before settling down to watch the highlights on Match Of The Day.
‘Unless, of course, we’ve lost, in which case I’ll go straight to bed without a word of greeting to the family with a face like a smacked arse.’
Mr Dell’s replication of a sporting event comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch pretended to be present at The Masters Snooker Championship by putting the event on TV and then falling asleep for six hours.