Pope Francis, last night delivered an uncompromising message to the Downing Street employees who held a boozy bash, complete with disco and DJ, while Her Majesty The Queen sat alone and socially distanced in St George’s chapel, mourning the loss of her husband of 73 years,
Speaking from The Vatican to assembled newsmen, The Holy Father stormed: ‘The Queen is a good friend and these lousy individuals have disrespected her in her time of grief.
‘I’m going to make the ringleaders pay for this with their lives.
‘The hangers-on, including the scumbag who went to the off-licence for more liquor, will be beaten and thrown in a dumpster with the trash, which is where they belong.
‘I’ve already picked a little firm of priests to get the job squared away and they’re on a flight to Heathrow as we speak.
‘The Queen may be a Prod while I’m more of a Roman Catholic but she’s also The Defender of The Faith, and that goes a long way in my eyes.
‘To be honest, I wanted to have Prime Minister Johnson taken care of too but then I figured that the chump is already a dead man walking.’
Pope Francis is not the first church leader to take punitive action against those perceived as malefactors and disrespecters of organised religion.
In 1987, the Dalai Lama garotted a Jehovah’s Witness who had knocked on his door while the living deity was waiting to find out who the killer was at the end of an episode of Columbo.