Jacob speaking latin

With underfire Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s position looking increasingly precarious, his fellow Old Etonian and current Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, appears to have thrown his hat into the ring in any forthcoming challenge for leadership of the Conservative Party.

Speaking to a fringe meeting of far-right Party members last night, Rees-Mogg said: ‘While I remain staunchly loyal to the Prime Minister, I’m also a realist and realise that a week is a long time in politics and he could be out on his ear by next Tuesday.

‘I should therefore like to put forward my case to fill the enormous gap that will be left, if and when he does get given his cucumber sandwiches wrapped in a road map at some point.

‘My Cabinet will consist of various Eton alumni, irrespective of political experience and based entirely on fortitude, moral fibre, religious zeal, and size of investment portfolio.

‘I haven’t decided on the allocation of the great offices of state quite yet as I’m waiting for the bribes to come in, but I can tell you that my childhood nanny, Miss Enid Chombley-Arkwright will be given the job of Home Secretary on the grounds of her staunchness of character, her knowledge of outlandish homemade cure-alls, and, above all, her firm and unflinching administration of the lash, which will hopefully keep troublesome backbenchers in line prior to entering the voting lobbies.’

Rees-Mogg went on to announce his vision for a ‘bright, new Conservative Britain’ by outlining plans to bring back, chimney sweeps, discounted gruel for street urchins whose parents voted for Brexit, and public executions, linked to the death penalty for stealing another chap’s tuck during evensong or masturbating to pictures of Matron while skiving behind a tree during the school’s annual hare and hounds cross country run.

Rees-Mogg, a colourful parliamentarian since 2010, recently came under fire from a parliamentary select committee who quizzed him for three days after accusations were levelled that he had sanctioned the roasting to death of three Liberal Democrat MPs in front of the log fire in his Palace of Westminster study after they had advocated free school meals for the ethnic minority children of unemployed LGBTQ activists.