Speculation regarding the health of Her Majesty The Queen was rife last night after Buckingham Palace announced that she would miss the annual dog fighting event in Poplar in East London that she has traditionally attended since her accession to the throne in 1956.
Her Majesty often enters one of her own highly-trained pedigree pitbull terriers and will even unleash the killer dogs herself at the start of some of the fights.
She also enjoys a flutter and will often stuff wads of banknotes down the shirt front of a gypsy bookie before walking round with the hat at the end, collecting bets from unlucky punters while taking swigs from a bottle of gin.
The Queen is widely acknowledged as a renowned authority on dog fighting and has bred past champions like Gnasher Prince, Battle Bitch Beth, and, Prince Philip’s own canine scrapper, Slitty-Eyed Gus.
This latest cancellation comes just two weeks after Her Majesty pulled out of her beloved annual visit to South London’s August bare-knuckle fights, traditionally held in a derelict warehouse at Deptford Creek where she loves to tuck into a crate of her favourite brown ale before cheering on her two-fisted youngest son, Prince Edward, who strips to the waist after swigging down a bottle of peach liqueur before battering his luckless opponents to a pulp, often licking the blood from their chests and faces as they lay unconscious at his feet.