toilet 2

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told The Whelk of his dismay after making the discovery that his lifelong method of evacuating his bowel has been incorrect.

Toby Dell, a toolmaker from Leman Street, told us: ‘I made the discovery while waiting to see the doctor in the colo-rectal unit at The Royal London Hospital.

‘There was a poster on the wall depicting a cartoon figure having an Eartha Kitt with his feet raised on a small step and with his forearms resting on his knees,

‘The message underneath insisted that this was the correct and optimum position for a decent clearout and that everything else was wrong.

‘I was devastated to think that I’d been doing it all wrong and have now embarked on a high-fibre diet combined with powerful laxatives to try to redress the balance so to speak.’

Dell’s revelation comes two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney had to be talked down from a ledge on a skyscraper after belatedly learning that men should sit always down to urinate in order to effectively void the bladder and to avoid getting piss on the floor when overshooting.