
The Whitechapel Whelk was the brainchild of Montague John Druitt, a fishmonger and barrister-at-law who became one of the chief suspects in the infamous, Jack The Ripper murders that took place in Whitechapel in East London during the late 19th century.
He was of course, completely innocent, as the sub-editor of this magazine will testify. This is due to the fact that, in 1888, his nan went to the music hall with him – and although he did attempt to murder and then mutilate her on the way home – he stopped as soon as she said no; thereby proving his innocence and his gentlemanly mien.
He started the magazine shortly after the final murder and was initially going to call it: The Whitechapel Ripper. However, he thought this might upset the locals and attract suspicion from the police, so he drew on his love for selling seafood from a stall outside The Royal London Hospital and called it The Whitechapel Whelk instead.
It’s been downhill ever since really and has now been purloined by a disparate desperate band of satirists, drunks, toerags and the dregs of London society in general – apart from our graphics artist, ‘The Artful Dodger’, who is a jolly fine sort, pleasing of aspect, sound in wind and limb and a confirmed non-smoking, bible-thumping teetotaler…it says here.
So have a look around, have a laugh – if you can find anything even vaguely amusing that is – give us a follow and then go about your business, damn your eyes!
All the best from the editorial team, the writers, and above all, the office cat, Mrs Bastard.
Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief
The Whitechapel Whelk
London E1
PS. Any images on this blog have been innocently used without any intention or wish to breach copyright. If you would like any of them removed, please let us know here and we will be more than happy to do that for you.
January 28, 2016 at 11:16 pm
They let you out again Clivey?
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January 29, 2016 at 3:53 am
Let’s just say I came to an amicable agreement with the Chief Nursing Attendant at Broadmoor old boy. He promised to arrange for a chopper to winch me up from the grounds, so long as I didn’t ask the pilot to winch me back in again anytime soon. I found his attitude a little harsh and even hurtful; but then I realised it’s what both of us would have wanted.
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January 29, 2016 at 4:08 pm
Gotcher. Shtum.
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January 29, 2016 at 10:23 pm
Thanks for the follow on my blog. It led me back to this wonderful place. Give Mrs Bastard a treat from me.
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January 30, 2016 at 4:17 am
You’re welcome! I shall give Mrs Bastard an extra custard cream with her lunchtime pint of Guinness in your honour. Are you paying for all this by the way?
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January 30, 2016 at 7:59 am
Hi, Thanks for the follow.
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January 30, 2016 at 8:13 am
You’re very welcome π
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February 3, 2016 at 12:38 pm
Hi
Thank yo so much for finding my blog and following me. As such a trustworthy place, I have left my purse full of money here π
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February 3, 2016 at 12:44 pm
You are most welcome! Now about this purse of yours. Could you possibly let me know how much is in it and it’s approximate whereabouts? I want to make sure it remains untouched until your return you see. *lights pipe and checks the runners and riders in the 2.30 at Haydock Park*
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February 3, 2016 at 12:47 pm
LOL It has around Β£300 and its on the corner of the table. π
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February 3, 2016 at 12:52 pm
Fantastic! Rest assured it will be perfectly safe here. Just call in whenever you wish to collect it. *Rings bookie and moves to different blog*
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February 3, 2016 at 12:52 pm
Such a lovely trustworthy blog :-p
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February 3, 2016 at 12:54 pm
We pride ourselves on our honesty, our trustworthiness and the ease with which we can make ourselves scarce π
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February 19, 2016 at 5:35 pm
Thanks for the follow and for creating such a fabulously off-the feckin-wall blog. Luv it!
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February 20, 2016 at 7:19 am
Thanks for the kind words my friend. You don’t have to be unhinged to enjoy this blog; but if you are…etc π
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February 20, 2016 at 9:21 pm
Finally, a publication I can trust!
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February 21, 2016 at 5:31 am
I thught the same thing about “Child Psychology for Caring Parents”. Then my old man began beating me over the head with it. Thank you very much for reblogging our piece earlier, lbeth. Greatly appreciated.
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March 14, 2016 at 12:45 pm
Thanks for the follow!
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March 14, 2016 at 4:00 pm
You’re welcome.
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March 16, 2016 at 9:40 pm
Thanks for following. Interesting site you have here.
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March 17, 2016 at 6:18 am
Our pleasure mate. “Interesting” eh? We prefer the adjective “ridiculous” π
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March 26, 2016 at 12:08 pm
Hi matey
I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award. I hope you’ll take a few minutes to fill it in. Please let me know if you participate, I’d love to see your answers. Here is the link to the nomination.
https://thewatsonletters.wordpress.com/2016/03/26/the-liebster-award/
Cheers
Colin
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March 26, 2016 at 3:56 pm
Thanks Colin, that’s uncommonly kind of you sir. Sadly, our graphics editor tells me that the rosette-based award badge will impinge on the aesthetic beauty of his front page layout. Personally, I suspect he just can’t be arsed to answer the questions mate :D. Thanks for considering us though old chap.
Regards
Bill Sykes. Editor and thief.
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March 26, 2016 at 5:52 pm
I can see how it might tarnish your otherwise spotless demeanor. π
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March 26, 2016 at 7:07 pm
Quite old boy π
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June 16, 2016 at 6:52 am
You got King Arfur and that Carbuncle bloke wot sings like a girl — but no Arfur Daley? You’re ‘avin’ a laff mate!
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June 16, 2016 at 7:40 am
“Honest” Arfur is far too classy to be associated with this tawdry rag mate. We did ask him but he wanted “a long un” for the privilege.
“Don’t we all mate” I told him ruefully.
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June 16, 2016 at 7:42 am
You tried his side-kick, then? He could even write you a feem toon.
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June 16, 2016 at 7:55 am
Too short.
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June 16, 2016 at 8:03 am
Wot about 50p then, eh? You know — Arfur Pound.
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June 16, 2016 at 5:56 pm
I’m sorry, but here at The Whelk we don’t encourage a policy of art for art’s sake!
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June 22, 2016 at 6:03 pm
Thank you for following my blog!
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June 23, 2016 at 4:55 am
You’re very welcome π
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August 3, 2016 at 8:16 pm
Notched up a visitation from a fellow Twit, nay friend…nay again, very good friend who bunged your blog upon the Twitterscape whereupon here one is. Accolades indeed. The content is fabulous and right up the proverbial street in terms of humour and jolly good wit. Alas, it means one must now follow you!
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August 4, 2016 at 4:31 am
Don’t give us that old flannel mate! You’ve quite clearly got wind of our “Free cucumber for every new follower” deal and wish to enrich yourself in a cucumberesque fashion. To be fair ,we don’t blame you. On a serious note, thank you for your kind words and followmanship. A freshly picked “cumber” is already on it’s way to your abode…ish.
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August 4, 2016 at 8:20 am
Coincidentally, or is that serendipitously, or both…a serendipitous coincidence…either which way, I did use the last of the refrigerated cucumber yesterday. Such an offer would be invaluable at this point…maybe if one followed, unfollowed then followed again then my cucumber problems would never crop up (terrible pun) again.
My pleasure me old fruit. Write on….or is the new new of phrase simply…. word π€
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August 4, 2016 at 11:24 am
I believe so Gary. I know this because I’m down with the kids. Incidentally, the word on the street is that beetroot is the new cucumber…daddyo π
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August 4, 2016 at 8:15 pm
I have a similar malaise…summer hols and teens rich in angst and get out of my bubble…oh hang on, can you fix this! But beetroot…say this is an untruth…I am not keen on that root crop at all π±
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August 5, 2016 at 6:55 am
Good for lowering blood pressure Gary. Mine was 200/178 until I started on the beetroot sarnies. Now, I can’t even stand unaided! I recommend it mate!
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August 5, 2016 at 5:14 pm
Seriously? This is both good news and bad news…good in the potential for lower BP…but bad for my marmite like aversion to said vegetable. Alas one might have to try this out now though! Thanks for the heads up!
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January 9, 2017 at 12:20 pm
Thanks for recently following my blog – cheers! I’ve followed you back for two reasons: 1 – Social etiquette (obviously that’s a lie) 2 – You’re chuffin’ hilarious (obviously that’s the truth). I look forward to a mutually enjoyable relationship…
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January 9, 2017 at 4:34 pm
We look forward to it too, midlifedramasinpyjameas (can I call you “Middy”?
Thank you for following back and for your appalling judgement on what constitutes good comedy writing. π
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January 9, 2017 at 4:59 pm
Yes, you absolutely can call me ‘Middy’ I rather like that! I’m easily swayed by a top hat and a swishy cape π
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January 9, 2017 at 6:13 pm
This is wonderfully reassuring Middy. I’m easily swayed by the barmaid in The Blind Beggar and 12 pints of fizzy lager but that’s not important right now…
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January 31, 2017 at 12:39 pm
Dear Mr Whelk Esq. Thank you for the follow of my electronic web log. I have very much enjoyed sitting with my own cat, Erik von Twatface, a nice glass of laudenum trifle, and reading your articles. I look forward to your future profferings with great anticipation. With kindest regards, STM
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January 31, 2017 at 4:11 pm
Dear STM (Ms)
We are delighted to hear that our comedic output has brought you good cheer. God knows, we could all use some right now.
My very best wishes to you and Herr Von Twatface.
Laudanum trifle eh? Our very own Mrs Bastard is also a user. Although, his taste in narcotics has matured somewhat with the passing of the years and he is now a confirmed and passionate opium eater.
Your most humble servant Madame
The Whitechapel Whelk (Mrs)
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January 31, 2017 at 7:44 pm
Sorry for assuming you were a Mr. How very sexist of me!
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January 31, 2017 at 8:37 pm
I am. I was being deliberately evasive. π There are actually two of us, with a third making the odd contribution. Some might say, extremely odd in fact. We are a happy bunch on the whole and I hope this comes through in our ‘work’.
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January 31, 2017 at 8:59 pm
You swine.
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February 1, 2017 at 3:46 am
Keep Donald Trump outta this! Why I outta…!
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June 5, 2017 at 4:43 pm
Pleased to meet you, welkie!
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June 5, 2017 at 4:47 pm
Prazer em conhece-lo Piggy.
Estas bem?
How’s the weather in Portugal? It’s rainin’ in London…again π
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June 5, 2017 at 10:49 pm
Tudo bem? Eu falo Portuguese poco! The weather here is great. Problem is we’ve had no proper rain for weeks and the ground is drying out under the baking sun.
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June 6, 2017 at 6:45 am
Sounds familiar. I lived in Lisboa back in the day so I know all about the scorching Portuguese summers π
I recently got back from a trip to Lagos, and apart from the odd day, the weather was ‘fantastico’.
If you need rain, I’ll send you some of ours. It’s p*****g down in London right now π
Ciao!
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June 7, 2017 at 5:28 am
Thank you for following Storyteller
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June 8, 2017 at 2:38 am
Thanks for the follow! Sorry, no valuables to leave, except maybe my incredible wit and modesty!
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June 8, 2017 at 2:40 am
You’re very welcome. Leave your wit with our features editor. We could sure use some π
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June 9, 2017 at 4:28 am
Ha ha!
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June 11, 2017 at 7:05 pm
Thanks follow my blog. Hope the cartoons bring you a chuckle. You will meet a lot of very delightful people there.
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June 12, 2017 at 5:25 am
I look forward to it dear boy π
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June 13, 2017 at 7:46 am
Delighted to leave my comments and thanks on the table, old chap. I assume it is also safe to go for a ramble in your neck of the woods. toodle pip !
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June 13, 2017 at 7:47 am
Oh, silly me! The thanks was about your stalking…. er, following me π
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June 13, 2017 at 9:13 am
You’re welcome Soul Gifts. Do you think you could gift our writer, old Danny SoZ a Soul, he lost his gambling on the horses and he’s never been the same since. Miserable old beggar.
π
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June 13, 2017 at 12:36 pm
Be my pleasure – here ’tis ο *gift wrapped* and all π
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February 21, 2020 at 10:17 am
You and all your witty quips, a curse you all!
Am I ever to get any work done??
Stephen.
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February 21, 2020 at 2:57 pm
Work is the curse of the drinking classes, Stephen. Avoid at all costs
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July 24, 2021 at 11:27 am
“PS. Any images on this blog have been innocently used without any intention or wish to breach copyright. If you would like any of them removed, please let us know here and we will be more than happy to do that for you.”
You can’t be serious!
Hahaha!
Here is how I deal with such issues:
“Lance, You Lie.”
MARCH 25, 2014 BY LAMARCOM
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.
βAny resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them, especially if the author has been kind enough to have provided their real names and in some cases, their phone numbers.
All events described herein actually happened, though on occasion the author has taken certain, very small liberties with chronology, because that is his right as an American.
Warning: this story will [eventually] have drugs in it [specifically, Pot] read at your own annoyance.β
βStolen From Various Sources while illegally surfing the internet using a U.S. Government Network and Computer
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July 24, 2021 at 2:58 pm
Our caution is related to images, not content. There’s a massive and potentially, very expensive difference. Content-wise, we don’t give a fuck who we upset π
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July 24, 2021 at 7:23 pm
Happily, I need not concern myself with such an issue, as almost no one reads my blog. Hahahaha! But your point is well-taken.
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