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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie. All The Best. Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic 2-man bobsleigh gold, say Meghan and Harry

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Underfire royals, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they will once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the next winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside their California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the 2-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times already.

“Once we’ve won gold we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people because she was a hard-faced old slapper and he wanted the Germans to win the war”.

If successful, the Sussexes will equal the feat of Princess Margaret and her husband, Lord Snowdon, who won back the love and respect of the British public following a string of sex scandals by winning a silver in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a tag team in the light-heavyweight, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Whelk Appeal: Save Our Office Cat

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The state of play in the newsroom earlier

This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.

The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.

We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.

We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’

Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:

The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1

Thanks very much – Ed

Local Woman Falls in Love With Google Pegman

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Roadmap to romance? Pegman pictured playing it cool last night

A 52-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Maps Streetview.

Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the Google Pegman when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I began to notice how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell head-over-heels and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Maps while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy, aural sex romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’

Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall will have eaten everything by 2028, study finds

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Greedy bastard, Fearnley Whittingstall pictured looking well-fed last night

A recent study by Oxford University has found that the food writer and broadcaster, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, will have eaten pretty much everything on the planet – apart from buildings – by the year 2032.

Fearnley Whittingstall, presenter of the popular, River Cottage TV series, in which he takes on the role of a downshifted, self-reliant farmer with a tendency to cook and eat pretty much anything that walks, crawls or grows from the ground, has now eaten everything in the county of Dorset and has moved on to Devonshire where he has already eaten a small area of woodland and has made a start on a field of beetroot and a family of a dozen or more badgers.

Speaking to a BBC reporter last night, the public school-educated epicure said: “I’m a greedy bastard that will cook and eat anything that’s not nailed down.

“I’m also a dedicated environmentalist so I won’t eat any endangered animals or rare trees. Anything else is going straight down my greedy gullet and into my fat guts”

A spokesman for the Department of The Environment said last night: “We have been made aware of the findings, and having watched him eating some pretty unsavoury items on River Cottage from time-to-time, we’re not surprised.

“If we’re in power and it looks as if nothing will escape Mr Fearnley Whittingstall’s saucepans and Aga cooker, we’ll have him humanely killed with a poleaxe when he’s not expecting it.

“Although, if Labour are in power, those leftie bedwetters will no doubt let him carry on until there’s fuck-all left”

We tried to contact Fearnley Whittingstall for a comment last night but his wife said he was in the kitchen cooking a fox turd and toad pie and braising one of the kids in a stagnant ditchwater sauce.

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Whelk Exclusive: Harry and Meghan set to rebuild Kray twins’ criminal empire

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The royal firm pictured in their terraced house in the Bethnal Green Road. Pic by The Artful Dodger aka Sofia Dee

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex plan to establish themselves as East London crime bosses in the style of the notorious Kray twins who ruled the London underworld in the late fifties and sixties.

We have learned from a man who sometimes drinks in The Carpenters pub in Bethnal Green, a former watering hole of Ronald and Reginald Kray and other members of their fearsome East End ‘Firm’, that Harry and Meghan have already started moving in on some of the local billiard halls, drinking clubs and illegal gambling dens, or, ‘spielers’ in and around the Whitechapel and Spitalfields area.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us: “The Sussex firm are slowly taking over a lot of the East London clubs and drinkers and people are getting worried that we’ll see a return to the lawless days when The Twins had the East End and also a good part of the West End in their pockets back in the old days.

“A few of the local car dealerships have already been targeted for protection after being visited by some of Harry and Meghan’s heavies, with one dealer getting nailed to a billiard table in The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel for being late with his ‘pension’.

“Of the two, Harry seems to be the most reasonable one, who will give creditors an extra day or two to come up with the money, but Meghan’s a different story altogether.

“She’s unstable and dangerous with a hair-trigger temper and a tendency to explode at the slightest hint of disrespect or liberty-taking.

“A few nights back, she used a cutlass to carve her initials into the arse of a club owner in Shoreditch who asked her if she’d put on a bit of weight during the lockdown.

“She’s also been visiting a number of boozers in the Buckingham Palace Road, hoping to come across The Queen who she’s threatened to give a striping because Her Majesty announced plans to take away Meghan’s royal pension that’s due when she retires at 65.

‘Although to be fair to the woman, she’s very good to her old mum and always visits her for a Sunday afternoon, sit-down tea and makes sure she’s got enough money for the rent and the odd new frock now and again.

‘Harry’s a lot more laid-back, although you still need to be wary of the geezer as he’s often pissed on gin and pilled-up at the weekends and once shot a geezer in the Blind Beggar for allegedly having a pop at Princess Ann while they were in the bogs having a gypsy’s kiss.

“To be fair if the royals do take over the manor a lot of people will be hoping that they’ll be willing to sort out problems for local people like the twins used to back in the day.

‘It’d be nice to think you could go round to their house if you’re having trouble with the landlord or a nuisance neighbour, knowing that Harry and Meghan would shoot round on a visit in a big motor and give the scumbags concerned a good old fashioned straightener on the cobbles with the old brass knuckles or a life preserver”

Police are now concerned that trouble could flare up between the Sussex mob and the rival firm from across the river in Camberwell run by the infamous Cambridge family headed by Prince ‘Willy The Jew’ Cambridge and his criminally insane wife, ‘ Maltese’ Katy C.

If you have any information which could be relevant to this piece, for fuck’s sake keep it to yourself and don’t tell the Old Bill, unless you want to end up in the foundations of a new tower block or being fed to the pigs on an urban farm on The Isle of Dogs – Ed

The Passion of Harrison Ford: Actor To Become Human Cross

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Ford pictured limbering up for human cross stint last night

In a surprise move, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has told friends that he will be tackling his toughest ever role this Easter when he will double as a ‘human cross’ and invite people to be nailed to him outside his home in Palm Beach, Florida.

Ford told reporters last night: “I’ve always been a deeply religious man so what better way to express my faith than to pretend to be a cross and to have members of the public nailed to me outside my home”

The Star Wars actor will be driven two feet into the ground on the day before Good Friday where he will adopt a ‘crucifix’ pose, similar to that of a scarecrow in a field.

People will then be nailed to the actor for short periods, after which, they will be asked to put their loose change in a tin positioned at the star’s feet. Ford has promised that every penny raised will be spent on drink and fancy women during Holy Week.

However, the move has attracted criticism from Christian church leaders, with The Archbishop of Canterbury calling it: “Exploitative and a blasphemous outrage”. While The Pope urged people to boycott what he called the actor’s “cynical attempt to cash in on Christ’s suffering.”

“I know his acting is pretty wooden, even at the best of times,” The Pontiff said last night, “But this is just taking the piss”

Ford’s announcement mirrors a similar move by Oscar-winning actress, Meryl Streep last Easter Monday,  when the Mama Mia star had herself fired into space attached to a rocket in what she claimed was a tribute to Jesus’s ascension unto Heaven.

Local man slew long lost, right-wing son with coal scuttle

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was last week found guilty of the murder of the son he hadn’t seen since he was a one-year-old child after discovering he’d grown up with right-wing views.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, battered his 27-year-old son, Bob, with a brass coal scuttle after the pair, who had been reunited through a popular family-tracing website, had argued about a number of political issues, including Brexit, the current Conservative government and the forthcoming trial of Donald Trump.

The jury heard that Dell became increasingly agitated by his son’s outspoken bigotry; finally flying into a murderous rage when the young man expressed a liking for Brexit pioneer, Nigel Farage.

Sentencing Dell to life imprisonment, Mr Justice Terence Carter, presiding, told Dell: “You were clearly provoked by the idiotic and rancid views of your son, but there can be no excuse for killing him with a coal bucket, even though he taunted you with his whole-hearted support for Jacob Rees Mogg and the religious mania and anti-gay views of Mike Pence.

As Dell was led away he shouted from the dock: “He had it coming, the nasty little neo-nazi gob shite”

In 2016, a 22-year-old Shoreditch man killed his mother with a clothes prop after she told him that Britain had taken back control following the Brexit referendum result

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