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The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie. All The Best. Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief

Free theatre streaming and online libraries unfair to Brexiteers say critics

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The recent practice of offering self-isolating Brits the chance to watch plays and gain access to books online has been slammed as being unfair and not catering to the needs of the average Brexit voter.

The letters sections in a number of right-wing newspapers have been full of protestations by Brexiters, complaining that the move by theatre companies such as Shakespeare’s Globe and The National Theatre to stream live performances is catering to metropolitan liberal elites and not the average Joe.

In its leader this morning, The Sun newspaper hits out: “While it’s all fine and dandy for middle-class stockbrokers and chinless toffs to be getting an eyeful of Ibsen and Harold Pinter, what about the hardworking fella on the Clapham omnibus? He doesn’t want to sit down after a hard day’s graft with a novel by Somerset Maugham and with A Midsummer Night’s Dream playing away on the box.

“How about rerunning some of the old Jim Davidson shows on YouTube, or some Bernard Manning stand-up?

“A spot of casual racism with its foundation in genuine fascist ideology is the stuff to give the troops at a time like this”

A spokesperson for the National Theatre said last night: “We try to restrict our highbrow productions to one or two a week for the most part so that all tastes are catered for.

“Take last Tuesday night for example. We streamed a live production of To Kill A Mockingbird to cater for those who aren’t overly keen on the darkies”

THE WHELK’S LOCKDOWN TIPS FOR STRESSED OUT PARENTS.

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Kids getting on your nerves? Why not try playing ‘Pirates’ with your bored youngsters?

Simply lash them to the drying rack with hemp rope and then flog them with a homemade cat-o-nine-tails until they’re unconscious.

Then, when they come round, rub some sea salt into their wounds to deliver that authentic buccaneer sting.

For added authenticity, drink half a bottle of rum before hanging them from a makeshift yardarm constructed from a clothes prop.

NEXT WEEK: All you need to know about Mafia-style garotting for the under-fives during your self-isolation period

Nation to honour Charles and Camilla’s decision to decamp to Balmoral with minute’s applause

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“Sod this covid malarkey, old girl. Orf we jolly well go”

In the style of the recent practice of applauding health workers in a number of world cities, the entire nation is expected to rise as one tomorrow night at 20.00 to pay tribute to the decision of Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla Parker-Bowles to move up to the Scottish retreat of Balmoral during the current health emergency.

A grateful nation will clap, cheer, and rattle pots and pans at their doors and windows in a heartfelt salute to the royal couple’s decision to lie low for a bit until the covid-19 pandemic is over.

The Whelk last night spoke to a local man who intends to give his wholehearted support to the initiative.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old hospital porter, told us: “I’ll be in the middle of a 12-hour shift at the Royal London when the tribute is scheduled to be paid, but wild horses won’t be able to keep me from whooping and hollering from a window somewhere as a mark of respect for what Charles and Camilla are doing by putting themselves well out of harm’s way.

“My mum used to tell me that the Queen Mum walked through the bombed ruins of East London during the war in an act of solidarity with the people, but Chuck and Camilla’s decision to clear off up to Scotland to live in a castle until the coast’s clear pisses all over that”

In other news, Prince Andrew has revealed that he will shortly be flying off to the paradise island, formerly owned by the late convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, telling friends that he will spend his time avoiding the BBC’s Emily Maitlis and frequenting a bamboo-built pizzeria, staffed by underage girls.

Half-price inflatable dolls to be given to transport sex pests during lockdown

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A blow-up dolly from the olden days pictured last night

The government last night announced that men who molest women on the nation’s transport network are to be provided with inflatable sex dolls at half the normal retail price to counter the downturn in opportunities to grope women in crowded trains, buses, and tube carriages during the current emergency lockdown.

In a short statement to the House of Commons last night, Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps, said: “These are tough times for all of us. A time when we need to provide for all sections of society to ensure that disruption and upset is kept to an absolute minimum where possible.

“So with this in mind, the government has made the decision to provide Britain’s sex cases with synthetic substitutes for their unwanted advances in the shape of these blow-up dollies that they can then paw and maul at home during periods of self-isolation and lockdown.

“Only one doll will be issued to each beast, so any saddos who like to multi-molest females will have to order further additions to their latex victims collection independently through the usual channels of softcore grumble mags, adult TV stations, The Daily Star, etc”

The move met with a mixed reaction from MPs last night with one Labour MP calling it, ‘pandering to the lowest in society’, while a Tory backbencher widely welcomed the move and asked if there would be any further concessions made for the elderly

SPOTLIGHT ON CORONA: SAUSAGE PARTY. IS IT THE KEY TO ENDING PANDEMIC?

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A gathering number of health experts and academics now believe that only by watching the movie, Sausage Party, can mankind be delivered from a global disaster and a possible Armageddon scenario.

Dr Tobias Dell, the head of a team of scientists exploring possible cures and infection prevention avenues, said last night: “Me and the other scientists watched Sausage Party last night and, so far, none of us have developed corona. 

In fact, we had a really good jolly up on the strength of it.

“We genuinely believe that we’re on to something and so should you.”

The World Health Organisation appeared to back up the claim last night. 

In a short press release, WHO said: “Dr Dell’s observations have been noted and explored in-depth and we have found that only a very small proportion of those infected had ever seen Sausage Party.

“We are now in touch with governments worldwide who have agreed to screen Sausage Party at 19.00 GMT on Monday 22nd of March so that everyone can get the immunity that is so desperately needed right now.

“Only President Trump expressed an objection, on the grounds that he likes to watch re-runs of Tom and Jerry at that hour, but he has agreed to comply if immediately after, we screen the one where a blacksmith’s anvil falls on Tom’s head and makes a big bump come up.”

More as we get it

New Coronavirus Blow: Princess Beatrice wedding guest list to be restricted to two privileged oxygen thieves

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The nation was dealt another hammer-blow yesterday when news broke that the wedding guest list of Princess Beatrice and millionaire property developer, Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi, is to be restricted to just two complete waste of space toffs due to the coronavirus scare.

As of yet, the couple have not announced which pair of privileged, plummy-voiced pillocks they have chosen, although a royal insider has intimated that it will probably be Beatrice’s waste of skin sister, Eugenie, and her ocean-going twat of a husband, Jack Brooksbank.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who has been booked to officiate at the couple’s nuptials inside Buckingham Palace on May 29, told newsmen: “This is obviously very unfortunate for the young couple, but these are troubled times and if it means restricting the guest list to just two entitled, braying arseoles then so be it.”

The British media gave a mixed reaction last night, with the Socialist Worker calling the news, ‘Great stuff’, while The Daily Mail and The Express blamed the situation on ‘ Bremoaner snowflakes’ and Meghan Markle respectively.

Coronavirus ‘Silver Lining’: Remains of gangland victims become visible in Limehouse Basin for first time in 70 years

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The fearsome Kray twins, Ronnie and Reggie. Think 1950s Trump and Pence

In what is being hailed as a surprising silver lining in the current health crisis, environmentalists have reported, that following the almost miraculous post-coronavirus cleansing of Venice’s waterways, the butchered remains of 1950s and 60s gangland victims are now clearly visible at the bottom of the previously impenetrably murky, Limehouse Basin in East London, just two days after many polluting local industries shut down due to the covid-19 scare

Locals have reported spotting a number of skeletons, many with the hands and heads removed to prevent identification, lying strewn in the silt, some with large blocks of concrete chained to their ankles.

One local man, Toby Dell, 54, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s like a miracle. Some of those skeletons must be around 70 years old and were probably victims of the Kray twins, or even Jack Spot and Billy Hill in the 1940s

“It’s absolutely marvellous to see a part of this area’s heritage again after all these years.

“It just goes to show that every cloud”

One of the last surviving members of the notorious Kray Brothers’ ‘Firm’, Freddie ‘Brown Bread Fred’ Foreman, told The East London Gazette: “I was told that a number of local faces were thrown into the Basin back in the old days but I had nothing to do with any of them.

“In fact, I was in the pub when they was served up and I can call on at least half a dozen witnesses who were drinking with me all evening at the time”

Environmentalists now hope that the reduction in pollution to London’s waterways may improve visibility in local lakes and canals south of the Thames in Bermondsey, where it is believed the butchered bodies of up to two hundred victims of the notorious Richardson brothers were disposed of between 1959 and ’63.

Stay well everyone – Ed

JUST IN!

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If you’ve been affected by the covid-19 situation, send us every last penny you own and me and the entire staff will jet off to an idyllic Pacific island for a few months until this whole unpleasant business is over – Ed

COVID CRISIS UPDATE: ‘Reading internet and drinking piss mankind’s only hope’ says WHO

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Chin chin!

In a dramatic late-night press conference, World Health Organisation Director-General, Dr Tedros Adhamon, issued the stark warning, that with victims of the potentially deadly, covid-19 virus rising exponentially, the only hope for the salvation of the human race is for everyone to read the internet and to drink their own urine in the style of people who don’t believe in vaccinations.

Looking drawn, Dr Tedros said: “Shit just got serious and without wishing to be overly dramatic, we at WHO now believe that unless we all start reading the internet and drinking our piss as fast as we can produce it, mankind is in the toilet, so to speak.

“We particularly urge people to read material put out there by old people talking about surviving the war, along with any appalling-spelt and grammatically comical insights written by people with no medical qualifications and who possess all the intellectual dexterity of a decomposing amoeba.

“Good luck to you all and may your God go with you”

EDITOR’S NOTE: While we realise the gravity of this crisis and acknowledge Dr Tedros’ expertise in this field, we are firmly of the opinion that with some intense internet reading, a modicum of piss-guzzling and the staunch and steady leadership of President Trump, the human race will come through this one and emerge even stronger than before. Although we wouldn’t be surprised if our skin was a bit more yellow due to all the piss.

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