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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie. All The Best. Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief

Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

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Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

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If you’re married to an ocean-going cretin, don’t call us. You married the bozo. -Ed

Royal baby Archie a worthless piece of crap says Daily Mail

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Prince or parasite? Archie pictured taking it easy last night

In an outspoken editorial last week, The Daily Mail has dubbed, Archie, the 3-month-old child of The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, a ‘worthless piece of crap’ and a ‘f*****g ginger loser’.

The newspaper, who have been highly critical of Harry and Meghan ever since the couple tied the knot in May 2018, have now turned the spotlight on the royal infant.

In their leader on Friday, which also makes the claim that the youngster is a ‘royal parasite’ who does little to justify his privileged position in the royal household and society in general.

However, the newspaper does reserve some positive observations for the children of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, calling them, ‘precious little angels sent down from Heaven’ before going on to assert that they are worth every penny of taxpayers’ money spent on their upkeep.

The article, which drew criticism from many quarters, comes just a week after The Daily Mirror came under fire for calling 10-year-old, Prince Henrik of Denmark, ‘a f******g moon-faced poof’.

Last surviving American beauty queen found murdered in secluded swamp

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Minutes to live? Probably

Executives at America’s, ID Channel, makers of the popular, Beauty Queen Murders series of programmes, have announced that the body of America’s last surviving beauty queen has now been discovered in an area of swampland near Tallahassee.

Since the early 1930s when beauty pageants first became popular, every successful entrant has been discovered dead at some point after taking the crown. Usually in a swampy region or a secluded beauty spot.

The longest surviving beauty queen was, Blanche Riordan from Montgomery Alabama, who made it to 32 before her body was found, partially-clothed, by a man out walking his dog in a local wooded area.

Becoming a beauty queen now carries with it a higher risk of death than tightrope-walking, bomb disposal, deep-sea fishing and being a British soldier in a battlefield with American troops to the rear.

10 things you didn’t know about Harry and Meghan

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1: Harry first encountered Meghan on Safari in Nairobi where he shot her in the back after mistaking her for a charging bull elephant

2: Harry proposed to Meghan in a swish restaurant in London’s Cannon Street. She responded by jokingly tipping her plate of pie and mash into his lap

3: They first slept together half an hour after being introduced, but Harry was unable to perform due to intense pain from a full rectal prolapse brought on by sitting on his gerbil earlier that day

4: The Royal couple keep their love life fresh by indulging in mutual hanging in the bedroom, often to the point of death.

5: Their nightly bedtime ritual involves Harry smashing Meghan’s face into a framed portrait of Piers Morgan which they have hanging in the ensuite bathroom

6: Harry and Meghan’s names can be formed into an anagram which includes the words; ‘ham’ and ‘Gary’

7: Meghan routinely drinks 6 bottles of Jim Beam, Kentucky sour mash, sippin’ whiskey every morning before hitting the gym for a pre-breakfast snooze

8: The Queen dislikes Meghan intensely and refers to her as ‘that fucking colonial beeyatch’

9: Meghan’s left-wing views have recently landed her in hot water after she freed a number of the servants at Sandringham Palace, crying, “I’m Spartacus!”

10: Both Harry and Meghan are accomplished players of the piano accordion who regularly entertain guests with renditions of, The Rose of Traylee, the theme from The Godfather, and, My Old Man’s A Dustman

NEXT WEEK: 7 Things you didn’t Know About Simon Cowell’s Cat,  ‘Anal Ted’

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Pitbull butts into opera performance to deliver 15-minute, bangin’ gangsta rap

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Opera Butt: Pitbull pictured looking absolutely delighted with himself last night

Rapper and songwriter, Pitbull, surprised a well-heeled audience at The Royal Opera House in London’s Covent Garden last night when he raced onto the stage during a performance of Puccini’s, La Boheme, and delivered a 15-minute-long rap, interrupting the alto soprano’s rendition of Your Tiny Hand Is Frozen.

The 38-year-old Miami-born star, who has famously featured in various hit records down the years, often appearing to butt in for no apparent reason, began gyrating wildly and pointing the mic at the astonished soprano, who he referred to repeatedly as ‘baby girl’ during his impromptu performance.

He was eventually removed from the stage amid a cacophony of loud booing and catcalls by a stagehand standing in the wings who hauled him off using a hook attached to a long pole.

This latest incident comes just a year after, pop icon, Britney Spears, raced onto the stage at London’s, Sadlers Wells Theatre, during a performance of Giselle by The Royal Ballet Company and began singing, Do You Wanna Piece Of Me, dressed in a school uniform

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust, In Hong Kong!

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all!

Policing a great metropolis like London can be a challenging and highly stressful business at times which is why I went on holiday to Hong Kong last week.

After 7 days and nights on the grog, I found myself at Hong Kong airport waiting to check-in for my flight back to London City Airport.

Suddenly, all hell broke loose as student demonstrators armed with clubs started attacking some of the airport security cops just a few metres away.

One officer was getting really badly beaten, making me fear for his life.

I immediately felt my copper’s instincts kick in and pulled out a bottle of Brazilian pure cane spirit that I’d just bought in duty-free

Within minutes, I’d finished the entire bottle and ended up spewing my ring up all over one of the stricken cops who was lying bleeding at my feet.

Evenin’ all.

Ted Stupor is the editor-in-chief of Popular Liver Damage Monthly

The Conman On The Mount: Boris Addresses the Multitude

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And lo, Boris stood upon the hillside and a great multitude gathered before him, and he spake unto them, saying:

“Blessed are the Brexiteers for they shall be called the fuckwits of God

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst during the post-Brexit recession for they shall be satisfied with extra acorn gruel if there’s any left over

“Blessed are they who believeth in Brexit for they shall see unicorns, pink ones…in sunlit uplands.

“Blessed are the racists for they believeth that leaving Europe will mean fewer Africans in the doctor’s waiting room

“Blessed are the armchair economists for they shall understand Brexit’s fiscal fallout better than the CBI, The Dept of Trade and Industry, and The Governor of The Bank of England

“Blessed are the fornicators for they shall be called, The Children of Boris, along with a good many others I shouldn’t wonder.

“Blessed are the elderly for they shall be filled with the Spirit of The Blitz and their nostalgic longing for the return of food rationing shall come to pass

“Blessed are the disaster capitalists for great shall be their post-Brexit fiscal reward. Yea even unto those who would short the pound and transfer hedge funds to The Republic of Ireland to avoid the economic shock of no-deal

“Blessed are the poor in intellect for they shall vote me in for a second term.

“Blessed are the people of Great Britain and Northern Ireland for they are about to be royally fucked over. Especially the northerners and the Micks.

Then one of the disciples, he that was called Jacob Ben Mogg, gave unto Boris a platter containing a loaf and five fishes, and Boris blessed the food and sayeth unto Jacob: “Make the most of the bread while it’s still in the shops mate, although we should be ok for fish for a while after we’ve kicked all the johnny foreigners out of British territorial waters”

And lo the sky grew dark and a great tempest began to rage and the people were sore afraid.

“Is it a sign from The Lord?” sayeth one.

And Boris spake unto him, saying: “I’m not sure, mate but Armageddon out of here just to be on the safe side”

Amen

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