Search

Author

The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie. All The Best. Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief

Say Yes To The Dress bride slays 15 at reception

say yes

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was in police custody last night after she ran amok with a butcher’s cleaver at her wedding reception leaving 15 guests dead.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist from Vallance Road, was featured in the hit TV show, Say Yes To The Dress, last December where she chose her bridal gown aided by friends and female family members.

Guests at the plush reception at the Inn On The Park hotel in Plaistow, East London, looked on in disbelief as Carter raced onto the dancefloor and began hacking at guests with the weapon, leaving some victims decapitated.

There is currently no clear motive for Carter’s actions although there is speculation that she may have become enraged when the wedding photographer began taking pictures of guests as they took to the dancefloor.

The groom, Toby Dell, a toolmaker from Shoreditch, aged 27, told a reporter from the East London Gazette: “Tracy loved being the centre of attention and I think that she just lost her rag when the photographer began taking smudges of the other guests

“To be honest, it looks like I’ve had a bloody lucky escape. Imagine having to live the rest of your life with that nutter”

A spokesperson for Say Yes To The Dress said last night: “We’re obviously very sorry that one of our featured brides has gone off the rails like this, but people need to understand that a bride is under tremendous pressure on the big day so it’s hardly surprising when one of them runs amok like this from time to time”

Miss Carter appears at Whitechapel Magistrates Court on Monday charged with murder, affray, and leaving her wedding limousine in a disabled parking bay.

BREAKING

bus

…and now, here’s a complete pack of lies written on the side of a bus about the weather for the week ahead…

SURVEY: Intelligence Quotient at Brexit Celebration Will Mirror 1960s Chimp’s Tea Party

chimps
Brexit Party members pictured in earnest discussion last week

A recent survey carried out by Swansea University has found that the average level of intelligence per attendee at the forthcoming Brexit celebratory gathering in Parliament Square on January 31st will be roughly on a par with a primate at one of the chimp’s tea parties that were held at London Zoo in the 1960s.

The study, conducted among a cross-section of Brexit enthusiasts who have expressed a desire to attend, found that the intellect of some party-goers was so woefully low that many were unable to complete the questionnaire, or defaced it by scribbling over the questions in green crayon.

The party itself – the brainchild of Brexit poster boy, Nigel Farage – will feature appearances from prominent Brexiteers such as Weatherspoons boss, Tim Martin, pop star, Morrisey, and diminutive MP, Mark Francois, who will be provided with a box to stand on so that he can see over the table.

Red, white, and blue jelly, British fizzy pop, and bulldog-shaped cupcakes will be provided on the night with all proceeds going to Mr Farage’s favourite charity, Fascists In Need.

It is understood that due to the great age of some of the revellers, incontinence pads and Phylosan injections will be available if required.

Older partygoers will also be able to join in some old parlour game favourites such as; Pin The Tail On The Darky, Musical Wheelchairs, and, Beat Your Romanian Benefits Cheat Neighbour Out of Doors.

A large section of those in attendance are expected to consist of people from the north of England, so whippet watering stations, Hovis jam butties, and cloth cap pegs will be laid on to accommodate this contingent.

The evening will end at midnight with a rousing rendition of Hearts Of Oak and Jerusalem, with flashcards displaying the words being held up by helpers for the benefit of the small number who are able to read.

Susanna Reid to be made a saint in recognition of Piers Morgan ordeal

susanna

In what many are seeing as a surprise move, the Roman Catholic church last night announced that the Good Morning Britain tv show presenter, Susanna Reid, is to be beatified and then canonised as a saint in recognition of the suffering she has endured since 2014 when she was joined on the sofa by motor-mouthed irritant, Piers Morgan, following the retirement of show stalwart, Bill Turnbull

A spokesman for The Holy See in Rome told newsmen: “Our sister in Christ, Susanna, has suffered cruelly during her stint with Morgan, and in view of this, The Holy Father has seen fit to put her forward for sainthood in recognition of her long and psychologically painful ordeal.

“Quite how she stops herself from shooting the man in the face is beyond me, and now the church feels she deserves to be worshipped and revered for eternity in recognition of her forbearance and restraint.

“If she is accepted by The Holy See she will become, Saint Susanna of Southwark which is where the show is broadcast from”

Reid will now have to satisfy the church that she has performed a verifiable miracle in order that canonisation can take place.

It is understood that she may point to the time when Morgan had a go at climate change activist Greta Thunberg for being autistic and she restrained herself from booting him in the gonads.

London Mortgage Brokers to Offer Equity Release on Cocktails

cocktail-drink-glass-cocktails

In a groundbreaking move, mortgage brokers in London are set to offer handsome equity release terms to buyers who have invested in purchasing their own cocktail.

With the average banana daiquiri – including ice and a glace cherry – going for an eye-watering, £32,000 in the capital, cocktail owners can expect at least £12,000 under a typical, rollover, compound interest deal.

Older drinkers are going to do particularly well, with no repayments due until after their death, whereupon the price of the drink plus interest will come from their estate.

One drinker in a Whitechapel wine bar told The Whelk he was absolutely delighted with the move

Toby Dell, 54, said: “This is great news. I’m going to order a Sambuca Depth Charge for myself and a Moscow Mule for the missus right away.

“Under this new scheme, we’ll be able to afford to get a new conservatory and still have enough left over for a couple of weeks in Antigua”

DISCLAIMER: The value of your tipple of choice may go up or down, although, the latter is highly unlikely – Ed

Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

walrus
Morgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The blood-soaked Good Morning host then staggered across to a small group of office girls to claim his harem.

One of these was then heard to remark, ‘You must be joking, you fat turd’ before the group moved away to a nearby cake shop.

Royal Bombshell

download (1)

Tremendous gesture from the man. It looks like we may have got the fella all wrong – Ed

Harry and Meghan to set up new home on Olly Murs’ big face

Olly - Copy

Reports are coming in that controversial royal couple, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, are going to spend a portion of the year living on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs

It is understood, that as well as moving between the US and the UK, Harry and Meghan will be setting up a home on Olly’s massive face with a view to spending a few months of the year there away from the glare of publicity.

Meghan is known to be a big fan of the Dance With Me star and would often annoy the Queen and Prince Philip by bopping along to his latest tune while they were trying to watch Eastenders in the TV room at Windsor Castle.

Murs himself was remaining tight-lipped on the rumours last night but his mother, Olive, 75, told newsmen: “I can’t say too much on this one but I can tell you that a 15-bedroom residence with spacious grounds is already being built on Olly’s gigantic face and that we’re all getting very excited at the prospect of having some royals living on his huge dial”

Murs is no stranger to housing celebrities on his face. In 2003, Motown legends, The Jackson 5, spent two months in a purpose-built recording studio on his enormous face, working on their globally successful greatest hits album.

Harry and Meghan step back from royal duties to form mixed tag wrestling team

harry
Give a girl a grapple? Harry and Meghan pictured in church last Tuesday

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex stunned the media and royal watchers alike last night when they made the joint announcement that they are stepping away from their royal duties to form a tag wrestling duo that will compete in the resurgent British professional wrestling league.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Meghan, resplendent in wrestling trunks and ring boots, with Harry at her side in just a jewelled leotard, said: “My husband and I have decided to withdraw from the media spotlight to concentrate on becoming the world champeens of tag wrestling.

“We’ve always been massive fans of the sport and often spend Saturday afternoons watching archive footage of the wrestling on World of Sport in the olden days with Kent Walton as commentator.

“My favourite is Giant Haystacks but Harry likes Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.

“We haven’t told The Queen yet but we’re pretty sure she won’t mind as most of the old girls are fans of the grappling and always have their favourite grunt and groan boy, so we’re hoping she’ll come along to our bouts and get behind us.

The royal couple’s first bout will be this coming Saturday at The York Hall Bethnal Green in East London where they will go in against the popular and successful heavyweight duo of Prince ‘The Baby Crusher’ Edward and his partner of 15 years, The Duchess of Kent, in a catchweight contest of 9 rounds with two pinfalls or a submission to decide the winner.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑