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The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie. All The Best. Danny SoZ. Editor-in-chief

‘Losing Australians’ should tow themselves closer to Antarctica to quell bush fires says Trump

trump general

President Donald Trump hit out at ‘losing Australians’ on Twitter last night and insisted that if they towed the country the 6000 kilometres to The Antarctic continent the cooler temperatures would extinguish the bush fires that are currently ravaging the eastern coastal regions of the country.

In a 2.00 am tweet, Trump said: “Sure I feel sorry for Australians right now, but these losers need to realise that they’re only a few miles from Antarcita (sic). I have a globe in my bedroom and they’re real close to that ice, believe me.

“They need to get into rowboats that are chained to the beach and tow themselves closer to the coldness.

“I’ve studied rowing more than anybody and I know this would work great for those guys”

Trump then went on to address the crisis in Iran, telling his Twitter followers that he was personally in charge of the drone that took out, Iranian general, Qasem Soleimani, on Thursday.

“I’ve studied drones and General Qasem more than anybody I know so it was only natural that the Pentagon guys asked me to guide the missile to its target.

“I just looked at the screen in my office and when I saw that loser draw up outside the airport, Donald J Trump let him have it real good”

In other news, North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, oversaw the launch of his country’s latest intercontinental ballistic missile yesterday, after which he referred to Trump as an ‘imperialist jackal and a complete fucknut’

Local man falls in love with suction hook

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A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends stunned after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

Survey: More of Britain’s elderly now send grandchildren to bed early so they can have sex

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According to a recent report, there has been a sharp increase in the number of people over 60 who are sending their grandchildren to bed early so that they can have sex on the sofa.

With many parents using their own mothers and fathers to take care of their children while they are at work or enjoying an evening out, a growing number of grandparents have resorted to sending youngsters to bed before 8.00 pm so that they can have hurried sex in the lounge while keeping an ear out for any noises upstairs which could lead to a hurried withdrawal and a frantic pulling up of underwear.

The report by a team from Cambridge University, also points to a marked increase in the number of retired couples cuffing their grandchildren around the back of the head and shouting, ‘No, we’re NOT nearly fucking there yet’, during car journeys.

Government presses for royal belt-tightening as Queen spends £13.50 in public house

Queens_Head_pub_sign,_Wolverley_-_geograph.org.uk_-_777768

A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending as it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Philip, spent £13.75 last Saturday night in a local pub close to Sandringham where the couple are spending the festive season.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising the use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they describe as, “frivolous jaunts”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out £13.50 on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, while the Duke spent almost £30 on pints of snakebite

Her Majesty then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her husband, costing 50p a frame.

The Committee’s statement also made the claim that Prince Philip had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace told reporters last night:

“Yes it’s correct that Her Majesty and The Duke Of Edinburgh went out for a quiet drink down their local last Saturday and that a small sum was spent on drink and a couple of pub games

“However, what the people of this country should also know is that The Duke had earlier won £40 on the horses for an outlay of just £10 on a 4/1 shot at Kempton Park and that it was this money that was used to fund the night out and not monies from the public purse”

He then left without taking questions as journalists pressed him on alleged claims that Prince Philip had also spent £2.00 on a packet of strawberry flavoured condoms in the gents toilets and that they’d both had a large doner kebab with salad and chilli sauce in the cab on the way home costing a whopping £8.90

Local woman decapitated partner during break at ‘world’s most romantic’ holiday isle

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Santorini, the lover’s idyll where Mr Dell lost his heart and his head

A 24-year-old woman from Whitechapel has been found guilty of murder in a Greek court of law after she shot her partner 6 times before decapitating his body and tossing his head out of a window in their apartment on the idyllic isle of Santorini.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist, shot her lover, Toby Dell, 27, following a furious row over Mr Dell’s behaviour towards a barmaid at the 5-star Aphrodite Hotel.

Ms Carter told the court that she lost her temper and shot her partner of 3-years after she spotted him tickling the barmaid under the chin when she came back from the poolside lavatories.

“I shot him and cut his head off because he betrayed me,” she said

“I threw his head out of the window hoping that the barmaid would see it and realise what she’d made me do, the little slut”

Dubbed one of the world’s most romantic holiday locations, Santorini is a mecca for sun-seeking lovers, looking to keep the spark in their relationship.

However, following this incident and another lover’s tiff last month which ended with a man being castrated in his sleep by his girlfriend, the island has slipped from top spot to number 5 in the latest rankings.

Local man filled with hope for nail fungus relief following Boxing Day spam mail ‘miracle’

spam

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London felt an overwhelming sense of hope and joy after a spam email he opened in the early hours of Boxing Day contained the promise of lasting relief from the misery of toenail fungus.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Dock Street, told The Whelk that he wept with joy after spotting the item amongst 60 other spam mails, which included Pinterest notifications and invites to meet mature Russian women for no-strings friendships.

“I’ve been plagued with toenail fungus on and off since childhood so this piece of junk mail is nothing short of a miracle” he reveals.

“When I read that it was offering me prolonged relief from the condition I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and wept with joy

“I’ve now ordered a full course of treatment which involves creams and a course of tablets for only £75 per month for the next 6 years.

“It means I’ll have to give the no-strings Russians a miss this year but, to be honest, none of them ever turned up to the dates anyway.

“The stuff should arrive during January according to the confirmatory email, but they did stipulate that it comes from China and is therefore subject to delays of a few months depending on demand.

“This is the best Christmas present ever and I can’t wait to get my socks off and put an end to my fungus-based misery for good”

In other news, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Poplar is excitedly looking forward to receiving a gently corrective toe-trainer device which she spotted in her junk folder and which she hopes will finally put an end to years of her having to wear an outsize boot on one foot causing her to lope along the road like a chimp.

A Very Merry Christmas to Both Our Readers!

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Have a good one everybody. Try not to over-indulge too much and don’t pay too much attention to The Queen’s Speech. I saw a clip last night and I’m pretty certain she’d been drinking. – God bless help us, everyone! -Ed

A Song for Christmas

Carol Singers

The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974.

December had thrown its chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turned towards Christmas, bone-cold, silent and dripping with pendulous stars.

I finished dinner around 8.00, and as I slumped into an armchair, my limbs heavy with food and my head thick with red wine, there was a soft knocking at the door.

I opened it and was confronted with five or six, small tousle-haired urchins, aged around 6 or 7.

Their leader was a cherubic Moreno boy, his hair tight with curls, black as pitch, framing a face that seemed to move like water in the light of the lantern he held.

He bade me ‘Boa noite senhor, Feliz Natal’ then gave a few hushed instructions to his companions.

After some preliminary shuffling and nudging, they began to sing with diamond clear voices that seemed to slice through the chill night air, sharp, falsetto and unutterably beautiful.

They sang of a child born in a stable; of a star hanging in the night sky, of The Virgin and the hot rancid breath of the beasts that stood over the infant.

As I watched and listened, it felt to me as if the tidings they were bringing were new, the joy still fresh.

A tiny, doll-like girl, aged 6 or 7, took up a solo and sang in a voice so clear and pitched so high that one felt stripped and shriven of all sins.

As she sang, the others watched her with solemn eyes, lips pursed, ready to enter the chorus. Their heads seemed disembodied, floating in the night air like Botticelli spirits.

And looking at this ragged little bunch I believed all that they told me, for they were bone-thin with eyes that swam with disease and knew what it was to sleep on beds of straw.

After giving them what few coins I had and some thick slices of bread and jam, I closed the door and returned to my armchair.

I sat motionless for some time, listening to the chatter of passers-by in the street below, staring thoughtfully through the bare window at the quartered Iberian moon pinned against the black night sky.

Merry Christmas

Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

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In a bit of a pickle. Rees-Mogg pictured exhausted after trying to get the top from a bottle of tomato sauce in the canteen

Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.

A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.

“Jacob has very weak wrists’, the source reveals. “He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.

“He’s a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they’d had new press down handle cisterns installed.

“Eventually, he gave up and asked the Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbot, to do it for him.

“However, she had little luck herself after repeated flushings failed to dislodge a stubborn ‘submarine’ that he’d left stuck on the bottom”

Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once ‘made the Queens eyes water’ with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during the recent controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August this year.

However, Rees-Mogg’s wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: “I’m afraid I can’t deny the fact that Jacob’s been struggling with that jar.

“It’s become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.

“For you see, nobody’s got the heart to tell him he’s been turning it the wrong way”

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