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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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All newborns to be tattooed with the London tube map

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The government, in conjunction with Transport For London, has announced that from January 1, 2020, all newborn babies will be tattooed with a map of the London underground rail system within 12 hours of being born.

The controversial move is being introduced so that a comprehensive and detailed map of the tube will be available to parents or carers when commuting in London and will prevent them having to wait to check conventional tube maps in stations until other people have moved out of the way.

A spokesperson for Mother and Baby magazine said last night: “This sounds like a fantastic idea.

“Only last week I wanted to get the tube from Baker Street to London Bridge and I wasn’t sure if I could get a direct train on the Jubilee Line or if I would have to change at Bond Street, so being able to strip my kid’s clothes off to check would have been an absolute boon.”

The government have awarded the £15 million pound contract to a start-up shipping company in Deptford who have no experience in tattooing but are “willing to learn at some point” if the money keeps rolling in.

This move comes 6 months after the Scottish Parliament gave parents the option of having their new baby’s arse tattooed with the names and addresses of pubs in their area.

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

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Sleep tight, my friend. You were a bloody marvel.

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