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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Meghan may have been military advisor to Serb monster, Mladic, says Daily Mail

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In an exclusive piece in today’s Daily Mail, the newspaper makes the shocking claim that the Duchess of Sussex may have been a military advisor to convicted Serbian war criminal, Ratko Mladic, dubbed, The Butcher Of Bosnia, who oversaw atrocities inflicted on the Bosnian Muslims, Croats, and other non-Serbs in the early 90s.

The Mail makes the damning accusation, citing the fact that little was known of Meghan Markle – as she was known back when Mladic was committing war crimes.

“It’s highly probable that Markle was behind many of these attrocitities,” says the newspaper.

“Mladic could never have engineered the killings of civilians in Sarajevo and places like that without help, and attention-seeking Markle has to be high on the list of probable accomplices.

“She may have thought that she could get a book deal out of it at some point, or even a TV exclusive with Oprah Winfrey on prime time television.”

Mladic, currently serving a life sentence for genocide in The Hague, allegedly refused to deny the allegation when questioned by a Mail reporter last Tuesday.

The shock claim comes almost 27 years after The Daily Express newspaper’s 1996 claim that Princess Diana was a close associate of brutal Ugandan despot, Idi Amin, during his murderous reign of terror in the 1970s.

However, the newspaper retracted the claim a year later when the princess was killed in a car crash and the news media had to like her again.

Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

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There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

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Dense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.

“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

Queen prefers Russian national anthem to ours, says Palace insider

Queen Elizabeth II took savage swipe at Vladimir Putin during visit | Royal  | News | Express.co.uk

Anthem envy. Her Majesty is not amused as President Putin hums along to Russian anthem during 2007 state visit

According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem, formerly the anthem of The Soviet Union, and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’

The Queen, apparently considers the Russian anthem, Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.

It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that she never has to sing it herself.

A spokesman at the Russian Embassy in London told us: “We don’t blame The Queen for disliking her own national anthem. It’s far too slow and downbeat and the lyrics are an absolute joke, apart from the bit about scattering your enemies, which we’re all in favour of.

“I doubt if President Putin would let her use ours though. He’s very proud of it and often sings it in the bathroom after Russia has been involved in provocative behaviour internationally, like sending fighter jets into NATO airspace and stuff like that”

The Queen’s father, King George VI, was also believed to have harboured an intense dislike of the anthem and was once seen mouthing the words: “Oh for fuck’s sake, not this again” as the band struck up the opening bars during a state visit to The Virgin Islands in 1946.

I want to be laid to rest alongside Artoo Deetoo, says Queen

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In a leaked Palace document, Her Majesty, The Queen has revealed that she wants to be buried alongside the Star Wars droid, Artoo Deetoo.

In an appendix to her will, The Queen states: “I have always been a huge fan of the Star Wars series of films, and in particular, of Artoo Deetoo, who always comes across as a force for good and decency.

“I am therefore stipulating that my earthly remains be interred alongside those of Artoo’s if possible, or at the very least, that he is dug up and placed in a tomb alongside my own at Westminster Abbey when the time comes.”

Her Majesty’s request is reminiscent of her mother’s directive that she be buried alongside the hero of the 1950s TV series, The King Of The Rocket Men.

‘Desperate for love’ local woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner

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A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told The Whelk that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, told us: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.

“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.

“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.

“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.

“We would sieze stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.

“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.

“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.

“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told us: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and gasping but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”

COVID UPDATE: ‘Desperate’ World Health Boffins Turn to Know-Nothing WordPress Ponce

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The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a WordPress blog who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the capability to pick up Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: “We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

“With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from WordPress.

“Hopefully, he’ll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that probably involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G transmitters and mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe.”

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other’s bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody’s Aunty Beryl on Facebook.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Vaccine sceptics. Take the vaccine, behave in a sensible and responsible manner towards others and shut the fuck up.

Harry and Meghan’s newborn has 1 in 100 chance of becoming a crazed axe-murderer, says Daily Mail

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Have they bred a monster? Harry and Meghan striking a demonic pose for snappers earlier

In a shocking and hard-hitting editorial yesterday, the Daily Mail newspaper has revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s latest child has a one in a hundred chance of becoming a psychotic monster, that will at some point run amok with an axe, slaughtering every living creature in its path.

In its editorial yesterday, The Mail pointed to largely discredited statistics provided by a controversial American psychiatrist in 1953 which vaguely suggest that one per cent of the world’s population may display psychopathic tendencies on occasion.

Despite worldwide scepticism and condemnation of the findings by psychiatric bodies worldwide, The Mail points out: “This study is spot-on as far as we are concerned and the British public need to be aware that The Sussexes have potentially unleashed a killer onto the streets of this nation.

“Make no mistake, this mixed-race child is a massive threat to innocent, and still, largely-white, members of the public and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if this dusky-complexioned progeny of an unnatural marriage doesn’t embark on a crazed trail of bloody destruction armed with an axe at some point.

“We know for a fact, for instance, that The Queen is so alarmed by the prospect of being slashed and then slaughtered by this, black-as-the-ace-of-spades baby when it grows up, she has called for a special cage to be built inside Buckingham Palace so that the negroid-featured child can be restrained when it comes over for a visit with its darkie mother – when she can drag herself away from Marxist, BLM rallies and fried chicken-eating competitions that is”

In today’s leader, The Mail speculates on, what they see as, the increasing likelihood of both of William and Kate’s ‘reassuringly caucasian’ youngsters becoming living saints that will be borne unto Heaven by pink-cheeked, Aryan cherubim and seraphim at some point.

Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

floor polisher

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

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