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The Whitechapel Whelk

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BBC win exclusive rights to live screen Gareth Southgate’s wife getting the kids their tea

bbc

In what is being hailed as a major coup for the channel, the BBC last night announced that they have tabled a successful bid to screen England soccer boss Gareth Southgate’s wife preparing the children’s tea prior to matches in the forthcoming 2022 World Cup tournament in Qatar.

It is believed that they offered in excess of twenty-five pounds of licence payer’s money to live screen Mrs Southgate preparing the 5.00 pm meal.

She will be shown undertaking a number of tasks, which will include defrosting quick and easy meals for the kids like turkey twizzlers or frozen pizzas and putting them in the oven before pouring out their Vimto cold drinks to wash it down with.

A spokesman for the Beeb said last night: ‘We’re extremely excited about this project which will bring all the action live and direct from Mrs Southgate’s kitchen.

‘We’re hoping to use a number of our commentary team and studio analysts throughout the meal preparation, including, Gary Lineker, Roy Keane, and Mark Lawrenson, plus a token female that most men will baulk at and not take in the least bit seriously’

It is understood that the cameras will be switched off if any controversial incidents, such as food-throwing, swearing at the kids by Mrs Southgate or vomiting at the table take place as the action unfolds.

This announcement comes just a week after rivals, ITV, announced that they have made a successful bid to screen edited highlights of the England team bus driver checking his tyre pressures before setting off with the lads to the stadium.

Denise Welch apologises for raping football legend live on air

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Welch pictured outside the ITV studio last night

ITV’s Loose Women stalwart, Denise Welch, has issued an apology for raping a 57- year- old ex-footballer live on-air in yesterday’s edition of the programme.

Welch, 85, subjected Liverpool and England legend Barnes, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Middlesborough, Welch said: “I should like to apologise for raping Mr Barnes live on air yesterday.

“It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of.

“I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her actor ex-husband, Tim Healy , 92, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after the Auf Wiedersehen Pet star was spotted masturbating over the sweets in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

Is he a bore? Is he a pain? Yes! He’s Brexit Man!

Notice how we’ve resorted to posting memes instead of our usual amusing fake news stories lately?

It’s not good enough is it?

If I were you, I’d complain to the WordPress guvnors and ask that we be removed from the platform with a sweetener payoff of 10 million smackers.

Yes, that’s what I’d do alright – Ed

Local man sustains side strain injury during episode of Columbo

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A 54-year-old local man has told The Whelk that he picked up a severe side strain while sitting on the sofa watching an episode of the popular TV detective drama, Columbo, last Friday.

Toby Dell, a window-fixer from Vallance Road, told us: “I was sitting on the sofa, watching Columbo, when I felt this searing pain in my side.

“I cried out in anguish but my wife told me to ‘put a sock in it’ and just carried on watching.

“I grabbed a pillow and covered my face, in an effort to avoid causing further disruption to her viewing pleasure.

“I can only put it down to the tension I felt when Columbo was leaving the room where he’d been questioning the murderer then stopped and said: “There’s just one more thing sir…”

This latest incident comes almost one year to the day when a woman from neighbouring Limehouse wrenched her left knee from its socket while removing her reading glasses to watch an episode of Murder She Wrote.

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

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Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

Local man almost certain girlfriend had bowel movement on first date

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A girl pictured pretending she doesn’t need to go to the toilet last night

A 23-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has claimed to be “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Dell, an electrical engineer, told The East London Gazette: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward too I guess.

I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it.

It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

Her movements at this point were hurried and a little furtive, and she kept her head down as she walked past me.

She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for any tell-tale floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time.

I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks about the noisy plumbing, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after, saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few dry biscuits.

Surgeons battle to remove Bruce Willis’s oil-stained vest

Film and Television

A team of highly skilled surgeons were last night locked in a grim, life-or-death struggle to remove the oily vest of action movie stalwart, Bruce Willis.

Willis, 97, hasn’t taken the vest off since the first Die Hard epic hit our screens in 1958 and it is feared that the oil-stained garment may have given him a potentially fatal case of dermatitis

He has previously told friends that he keeps it on in case he gets the call from a film producer to reprise the famous scene where he clings to the undercarriage of a hijacked airliner, despite the fact that his vest was being heavily spattered with oil from a stricken engine.

A hospital spokesman said last night: “Mr Willis is currently undergoing surgery to remove his oil-stained vest.

“However, due to the fact that the garment has become fused to his body over time this is proving problematical and the team may just to decide to let him die on the operating table and go down the pub”

In 1957, wild west movie legend, John Wayne, almost died during an eighteen-hour long operation as a team of medics fought to surgically remove his ten-gallon cowboy hat.

Ten thousand Afghan refugees to be housed on Olly Murs’ big face

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In a surprise announcement last night, the Foreign and Colonial Office has confirmed that up to ten thousand Afghans, fleeing the Taliban, will be offered temporary housing on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs, after arriving in this country.

A government spokesperson told newsmen: “The government are determined to rescue as many British nationals as possible along with Afghans who have put their own safety at risk to help our troops during the last twenty years.

“We have therefore decided to build a number of temporary homes on Olly Murs’ big face with a view to housing up to ten thousand refugees until more permanent residences can be offered further down the line.

“It is the government’s aim to house five thousand on his massive spam forehead with the rest being located on other parts of his gigantic dial, including his nostrils and ears, where elderly and vulnerable people will be able to shelter from the more extreme weather over the coming months.”

The Dance With Me star was unable to comment last night as he’s currently on tour on the Isle Of Wight, but his mother, Marjory, 98, told newsmen: “I spoke to Olly last night and he’s more than happy to house these poor people on his massive clock and is looking forward to getting home and lying down in his back garden so that the builders can get cracking.”

Murs’ selfless actions were greeted enthusiastically last night, in particular by roly-poly TV host, Eamon Holmes, who, in 1972, housed over two thousand Ugandan Asians, fleeing the murderous despot, Idi Amin, on one of the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

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Pop entrepreneur and TV personality, Simon Cowell, is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, and Virgin Media boss, Richard Branson, who have recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips, by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed catapult, which, when attached to the braces on his massive, high waistband trousers will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell, 87, said: “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel, so this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.

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