The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


business news

Bank offers free butt plug to new cardholders

butt plug (2)

Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include a free butt plug for anyone registering for a card before March 1.

A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by offering an anal sex toy as a free gift, more people will be encouraged to become Barclaycard holders.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to new customers by giving them the opportunity to ram a rubber device up their bottom when there’s not much on TV, or even during slack periods at work”

This scheme mirrors a similar incentive offered by Barclay’s rivals, Santander, who last year gave away over a million, Black Mamba Bully Boy, clitoral stimulators to customers who signed up for a business account.

Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating, subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In other related news; last week, a Ryanair passenger with suspected coronavirus was charged two thousand Euros for being dragged from the plane by men in Hazchem suits at Dublin airport.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If it’s possible to actually hate an actual company we hate these licenced brigands with a fearsome intensity. In short, I wouldn’t give these robbing scumbags the steam off your piss.

Ryanair boss keyed my motor after refund request, says local clergyman


A Church of England Clergyman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the CEO of controversial airline, Ryanair, ran a key along the side of his car door just days after he rejected a voucher to cover a flight cancelled due to covid-19 and asked for a cash refund instead.

The Reverend Tobias Dell, the Vicar of Whitechapel and Mile End, told us: “Shortly after requesting the refund I started getting anonymous calls from a man with an Irish accent.

“Initially, it was mainly sectarian abuse. He called me a Prod scumbag and told me that I would burn for all eternity in the fires of Hell unless I renounced my faith and converted to Roman Catholicism.

“Then he said that he knew about my request for a Ryanair refund and to accept a voucher for an alternative flight or face the consequences.

“Shortly afterwards, I noticed the boss of Ryanair, Michael O’Leary, hanging around outside my house, smoking and looking shifty.

“He would just stand there, staring at the house, flicking cigarette butts into my front garden.

“Then, in the early hours of last Tuesday morning, I heard this scraping noise outside and saw Mr O’Leary running a key along the side of my car.

“I shouted out of the window for him to stop but he just laughed and ran off.

“The damage was quite extensive and I noticed that he’d scratched an obscenity into the door too.

“I’ve now accepted the voucher to avoid any further incidents but I’m not at all happy to have done so”

Ryanair also came under fire yesterday for launching a stipulation that all passengers who refuse to buy a scratchcard during flights are subjected to 20 lashes of the cat-o-nine-tails around the back of the aircraft hangar after landing.

Covid-19 Window Cleaner Works From Home Using Hand On A Spring


An enterprising local window cleaner, suffering from coronavirus, has come up with an ingenious way of continuing to ply his trade during his spell of self-isolation by making a long-reach, hand on a spring in his garden shed.

Toby Dell, 54, told The Whelk: “I wasn’t going to allow a damn virus to stop me from carrying out my obligations to my customers, so I came up with the hand on a spring idea, and, thus far, it’s worked a treat.

“It extends for just under two miles, so I’ve been able to do most of the work on my round in Whitechapel but I can’t quite reach Spitalfields and Aldgate, so they will have to wait until I’m better”.

Mr Dell also told us that his invention has allowed him to continue to enjoy an active social life.

“In the evenings, I extend my hand on a spring to The Blind Beggar in the high street and the landlord puts pints of Stella and the odd packet of cheese and onion crisps in it throughout the evening.

“However, I did have one over the eight last night and had my hand thrown out and barred for pinching the barmaid’s arse”

Mr Dell declined any payment for his story, but he did ask for a single neoprene glove and some hemp-based barrier cream to stop his hand from becoming chapped on cold mornings.

London Mortgage Brokers to Offer Equity Release on Cocktails


In a groundbreaking move, mortgage brokers in London are set to offer handsome equity release terms to buyers who have invested in purchasing their own cocktail.

With the average banana daiquiri – including ice and a glace cherry – going for an eye-watering, £32,000 in the capital, cocktail owners can expect at least £12,000 under a typical, rollover, compound interest deal.

Older drinkers are going to do particularly well, with no repayments due until after their death, whereupon the price of the drink plus interest will come from their estate.

One drinker in a Whitechapel wine bar told The Whelk he was absolutely delighted with the move

Toby Dell, 54, said: “This is great news. I’m going to order a Sambuca Depth Charge for myself and a Moscow Mule for the missus right away.

“Under this new scheme, we’ll be able to afford to get a new conservatory and still have enough left over for a couple of weeks in Antigua”

DISCLAIMER: The value of your tipple of choice may go up or down, although, the latter is highly unlikely – Ed

Bereaved local mother slams women’s sanitary products ads

A period of unease. Did these products lead to a young girl’s death?

The mother of a teenage girl who collapsed and died during her menstrual cycle broke down in front of reporters earlier today before furiously hitting out at the advertising campaigns employed by the makers of women’s sanitary products.

Mrs Mary Dell, 32, of Dock Street, Whitechapel, whose 17-year-old daughter, Tracy, collapsed and died whilst playing tennis in a pair of dazzlingly white shorts, believes that advertising campaigns which portray various women participating in a variety of sports and strenuous outdoor activities during menstruation are misleading and a bad influence on impressionable youngsters.

“Tracy was always a quiet and studious child who much preferred being indoors curled up with a book or chatting to her friends on Facebook to taking part in outdoor sports and so on,” she said.

“But as soon as she began her period her whole demeanour would change and almost immediately she’d put on blindingly white clothing before going off rock climbing, abseiling, roller blading and so on.

“She would even wait for a really windy day before going out for a game of tennis in a tiny skirt with a pair of white knickers on so that people could see how confident she was that her tampon wouldn’t let her down. I’m convinced that the physical demands on her body were to blame for her death

“In my day, we’d just stay in during our time of the month and help our mums with the housework, or sit up in our bedrooms reading books with a face like thunder. These companies have got a lot to answer for if you ask me”

The CEO of Discreet & Sure Products, Mrs Amanda Carter, spoke to reporters outside the company’s headquarters in Shoreditch last night.

“Of course we’re deeply sorry to learn of this terrible tragedy and our thoughts are with Tracy’s family at this distressing time, but we totally refute any allegations that we’re harming youngsters by encouraging them to pursue an active lifestyle during their menstrual cycle.

In fact, I’m in the middle of a particularly heavy period myself at the moment and cant wait to begin scaling a rockface wearing a pair of skintight white trousers and no knickers.”

Whitechapel Plumbing Ltd: For All Your Plumbing & Sexual Needs


As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues. Only last week I received the following email from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether and needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Whitechapel Plumbing

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water which was falling onto the flat roof of the porch and making a hell of a racket. I ran inside to fetch my husband but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders, and a pair of thigh-length rubber fisherman’s waders.

He was also wearing an old gasmask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

It was then that I noticed he had a noose fastened around his neck which he’d lashed to a roof beam and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and cries of pleasure that he was abusing himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately, he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since this terrible day, I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti-depressants which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low.

Things have now reached a point where I can’t look at him without retching violently and I have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life so that I may find some kind of respite from this living hell.

Please, please help me if you can, Whitechapel Plumbing. I just don’t know who else I can turn to.

Tracy Dell

Vallance Road

London E1


Dear Tracy

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble-free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / I’m Too Tiny For Love

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross-Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By His Demands

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion


danny sparko

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two lovely little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1


Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you, princess, so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those Harry Dash department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, my lovely

Your Pal


Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

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