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Lyrics For Intellectuals #9856

THIS WEEK: White Christmas – Bing Crosby

bing white xmas

In the movie, White Christmas, Bing performed the eponymous theme tune naked from the waist down as a favour to his sexually insane co-star, Rosemary Clooney. He later confided to friends that Clooney was a ‘real goer’ and that he lost 2-stone in bodyweight due to her constant demands to be scuttled in her caravan after the day’s filming was over –  The Sunday Times Coitus Supplement

The Queen has consumed at least 11 tons of tallow since ascending to the throne claims insider

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A source inside Buckingham Palace has made the startling claim that Her Majesty, The Queen has used more than 11 imperial tons of tallow since coming to the throne in 1953

The insider told us that she eats raw tallow for every meal, and that even the food she eats at state banquets is made entirely from tallow and is disguised by Palace gourmet chefs to resemble rack of lamb with roast potatoes and things of that nature.

Tallow, which is made from the fat surrounding the organs of cows or sheep, also plays a major part in The Queen’s holistic approach to medicine and she regularly rubs it on her chest during the winter months to keep the cold out.

It is thought that her fondness for the viscous, fatty comestible was passed down to her by, The Queen Mother, who would routinely add hot tallow to her nightly pint of gin and would also use tallow suppositories if she was finding it difficult to have a shit.

Jacob Rees-Mogg/Ann Widdecombe, saucy imagery cured my ‘hair-trigger’ sex problem says local man

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that conjuring up imagery of right-wing MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, having sex with Brexit Party figurehead and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Ann Widdecombe, has been a major factor in overcoming the chronic premature ejaculation issues that have dogged him since his late teens.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “I’ve never been able to satisfy a woman in bed due to this hair-trigger problem of mine.

“My wife moved into the spare room years ago after growing tired of my constant failure to display any staying power.

“I’ve always had a problem in this area, and, once, in my early teens, had a shattering climax just by asking a girl in my class if I could borrow her ruler.

“Now, thanks to the imagery of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Ann Widdecombe going at it full pelt, I have found a new lease of life between the sheets.

“Last Saturday, I managed well over 5-minutes with the wife, although, I have to admit that I’d drunk 12 cans of Tennant’s Super before the off.”

Mr Dell’s revelation comes just a week after a 40-year-old milkman from neighbouring Poplar revealed that he’d increased his staying power tenfold by thinking about, Bake-Off presenter, Mary Berry, copping a vicious back-scuttling from motoring guru and journalist, Jeremy Clarkson.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece, I’d keep it very much to yourself if I were you – Ed.

Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

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Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

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DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.

The Arts & Entertainment

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More wholly inappropriate TV listings after these messages…

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

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