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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

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Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

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BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

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DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.

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I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

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A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Phone engineer dreading smell of soup cooking on the stove at old lady’s house

 

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Looks harmless enough, but is there a cauldron of evil-smelling broth bubbling away in the kitchen?

A 47-year-old telecommunications service engineer has told a the Whitechapel Whelk that his heart sank when he was told to repair a fault on the line of an elderly subscriber as he knew that he would be assailed by the smell of soup or stew simmering on the stovetop as soon as he entered the house

Toby Dell, a father of 4 from Whitechapel in East London, said: “As soon as the boss told me to check out this old girl’s line problem my heart sank like a stone.

“It’s bad enough when you have to listen to them droning on about their late husband or the war, but when you’ve got the stench of some kind of stew up your hooter the whole time it gets a bit much to bear.

“Some of these old dears must cook soup 24/7 every bloody day of the year.

“I’ve never yet attended a call-out to a woman over 60 that didn’t involve inhaling the stench of a stew of some description.

“I mean to say, what do they do with it for God’s sake?

“Don’t they ever bloody eat it?”

It is estimated that at any one time throughout the London area, over 4 million old ladies have a large saucepan containing soup or stew simmering on the stovetop. Some with butter beans and dumplings.

Local man overcome by crippling sadness and sense of inevitability prior to sipping lukewarm tea

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The way things should have been. A poignant glimpse

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man was yesterday overcome by grief and a gut-wrenching sense of inevitability as he took a tentative sip from a mug of tea that he’d absent-mindedly left standing on a small coffee table for 20 minutes.

Toby Dell, a wastepaper merchant from Commercial Road, told us: “As soon as I realised I’d forgotten to drink my tea I felt a profound sadness descend on me, mixed with a little anger at my own stupidity.

“Despite this, and in the full knowledge that the tea would be lukewarm and pretty vile as a result, I took a sip anyway.

“The sense of grim inevitability as I raised the mug to my lips and the feeling of self-disgust when I took that first tentative sip was so overwhelming and all-powerful that I sank to my knees and wept as I had not wept since I was a small child.”

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from East India Dock Road, yesterday became overwhelmed by an all-pervading sense of self-loathing and utter despair as she raised a forkful of baked beans to her lips, grimly aware that they had probably gone a bit cold while she was concentrating on eating her steak and chips.

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