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DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.

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More wholly inappropriate TV listings after these messages…

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

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A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Phone engineer dreading smell of soup cooking on the stove at old lady’s house

 

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Looks harmless enough, but is there a cauldron of evil-smelling broth bubbling away in the kitchen?

A 47-year-old telecommunications service engineer has told a the Whitechapel Whelk that his heart sank when he was told to repair a fault on the line of an elderly subscriber as he knew that he would be assailed by the smell of soup or stew simmering on the stovetop as soon as he entered the house

Toby Dell, a father of 4 from Whitechapel in East London, said: “As soon as the boss told me to check out this old girl’s line problem my heart sank like a stone.

“It’s bad enough when you have to listen to them droning on about their late husband or the war, but when you’ve got the stench of some kind of stew up your hooter the whole time it gets a bit much to bear.

“Some of these old dears must cook soup 24/7 every bloody day of the year.

“I’ve never yet attended a call-out to a woman over 60 that didn’t involve inhaling the stench of a stew of some description.

“I mean to say, what do they do with it for God’s sake?

“Don’t they ever bloody eat it?”

It is estimated that at any one time throughout the London area, over 4 million old ladies have a large saucepan containing soup or stew simmering on the stovetop. Some with butter beans and dumplings.

Local man overcome by crippling sadness and sense of inevitability prior to sipping lukewarm tea

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The way things should have been. A poignant glimpse

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man was yesterday overcome by grief and a gut-wrenching sense of inevitability as he took a tentative sip from a mug of tea that he’d absent-mindedly left standing on a small coffee table for 20 minutes.

Toby Dell, a wastepaper merchant from Commercial Road, told us: “As soon as I realised I’d forgotten to drink my tea I felt a profound sadness descend on me, mixed with a little anger at my own stupidity.

“Despite this, and in the full knowledge that the tea would be lukewarm and pretty vile as a result, I took a sip anyway.

“The sense of grim inevitability as I raised the mug to my lips and the feeling of self-disgust when I took that first tentative sip was so overwhelming and all-powerful that I sank to my knees and wept as I had not wept since I was a small child.”

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from East India Dock Road, yesterday became overwhelmed by an all-pervading sense of self-loathing and utter despair as she raised a forkful of baked beans to her lips, grimly aware that they had probably gone a bit cold while she was concentrating on eating her steak and chips.

Vegan family build meat-free snow twat

 

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A family of committed vegans from Bermondsey in South London have taken advantage of the recent snowy conditions to build a life-size snow twat in their front garden.

The Stimpson family made sure there were no traces of meat or harmful chemical additives in the snow they used to construct their twat by putting each handful through a sieve made from dried organic mushroom strands before patting it into place on the snow twat’s body.

Mr Barnaby Stimpson, 45, the self-styled ‘family elder’ told The Whelk: “We have used only the finest and ethically sound products to construct and decorate our twat.

“The carrot for his nose was organically grown on our allotment and the currants we used for his eyes are free-trade fruits, picked in the West Indies by local youngsters who receive free medical treatment and guidance on cruelty-free poultry farming in return for their wares.

“We’re all immensely proud of our work and are looking forward to plastering pictures of our twat all over Facebook later today”

On Tuesday, the Dell Family from Whitechapel in East London received a mixed reaction from neighbours after building a Donald Trump-inspired, life-sized, ‘snow cunt’, complete with orange wig and half-witted expression

Local woman battered partner following basmati rice boasting incident court told

 

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A perfectly cooked serving of basmati rice, similar to the one cooked by the victim, pictured earlier

 

A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman was given a 2-year suspended sentence at Bow Street Magistrates Court yesterday after pleading guilty to Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm after the court heard that she had attacked her partner with a cast iron skillet after he’d boasted that his method of cooking basmati rice was far better than hers and that she was unwilling to change, what he had called, her tired and antiquated method.

Tracy Carter, a company director from Vallance Road, told the court that she had “snapped” when her partner, Toby Dell, 28, a commodities broker, made the remarks after he had cooked a delicious serving of rice in which every grain was fluffy and separate, unlike the homogenous, starchy stodge she would routinely come up with week in, week out.

Passing sentence, the magistrate told Ms Carter: “You are clearly a bad-tempered, violent, and intolerant individual who has absolutely no grasp of the concept of rinsing the rice thoroughly to get rid of the starch before cooking covered for 15 minutes, or until all the water has been absorbed.”

Last December, Ms Dell was bound over in the sum of £250 and ordered to keep the peace after stabbing Mr Dell in the buttocks with a carving fork after he’d advised her to cook the roast chicken on its side to keep the breast moist and succulent.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece, we suggest you order an Indian takeaway in future as they always seem to get the rice spot-on every time – Ed

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