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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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crime

Local women knifed husband after disappointing dolphin-spotting trip

dolphins
Dolphins pictured in full view last night

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday, dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure an Old Bailey court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Berner Street, plunged the nine-inch blade into the chest and abdomen of her husband, Toby, after the boat trip’s quest for dolphin sightings off the coast of The Algarve in Portugal proved fruitless.

Mrs Dell admitted to the offences of attempted murder and assault causing grievous bodily harm but claimed mitigating circumstances.

Under cross-examination from prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, Mrs Dell told the court:

‘When he booked that boat trip he told me that we’d definitely see dolphins.

‘I was really looking forward to seeing them in the wild and not on the telly.

It was going to be the highlight of our holiday, so when we didn’t see any I was gutted and went for him with the knife when we got back to our apartment.

‘Anyone would have done the same in my shoes’ she insisted before leaving the witness box.

Giving Mrs Dell a six-month suspended sentence, Judge Helen Galsworthy, told her: ‘While I recognise that you were sorely provoked and that your husband failed you in every way imaginable, I cannot, in all good conscience, condone your actions in this instance.

‘A good beating with a frying pan, combined with the complete withdrawal of conjugal favours for life would have been more than adequate given the severity of this man’s pathetic and utter failure to deliver on a concrete assurance’

In 2010, Judge Shay came in for public and media criticism after awarding a woman from Cripplegate in East London, five hundred pounds from the public purse after she killed and subsequently dismembered the corpse of her husband who took her on a holiday jeep safari in Nairobi that failed to come across any giraffes.

Local man embarked on killing spree following ‘comfortable trousers’ letdown

trousers
Some trousers pictured earlier

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London went on a murderous killing spree after a pair of trousers he’d ordered from a catalogue purporting to be, ‘The most comfortable trousers you will ever buy’, failed to live up to the claim.

After trying them on and finding them slightly less comfortable than a pair he’d bought in Roman Road Market in the 1980s, Toby Dell, a diesel fitter from Dock Street, raced from his house and attacked twelve people with a steel tent pole, killing five and leaving seven others badly injured.

Dell told an Old Bailey jury yesterday: ‘The trousers were a disgrace and utterly failed to live up to the claim that they would be the most comfortable I’d ever purchased.

‘They were a bit tight for one thing and the turnups flapped around my ankles in a manner that I never experienced with the other trousers I bought in Roman Road in 1987.

‘I suppose I just lost my head but anyone else would have done the same given the circumstances.’

Sentencing Dell to a whole life tariff, Mr Justice Tracy-Carter told the defendant: ‘While I agree that your patience may have been sorely tested by these trousers it is completely unacceptable that you should kill innocent people to assuage your annoyance.

‘Society deserves to be protected from you and from anyone else who sees fit to kill people due to an uncomfortable or otherwise ill-fitting garment’

In 2012, a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch killed her entire family, including her grandparents, with a machete after a blouse she had ordered from Freeman’s catalogue was found to be a bit tight under the arms.

Third local angler found slain. Police launch hunt for ‘Jack The Kipper’

kipper
Is this the face of a killer? A kipper pictured earlier

Following the discovery of the mutilated body of a third fisherman on the banks of the River Lea in East London, Whitechapel police have announced they have received a letter, believed to be from the killer, in which he outlines his motives and signs it, Jack The Kipper.

Detective Sergeant Toby Dell told reporters: ‘This man is clearly a very disturbed individual and we urge local anglers to fish with another person or to remain at home until we have got the perpetrator in custody.

‘There’s plenty of fishing programmes on television so perhaps they could watch those instead of going to the river bank and putting themselves at risk.

‘It would appear from a letter we received yesterday that the man responsible has a deep-seated hatred for fishermen, particularly those who don’t have their rods correctly aligned’

DS Dell then released a copy of the letter in question which read.

‘Dear Boss. I’ve got a down on anglers who don’t align their rods parallel to each other and I won’t stop ripping them until I’m cort (sic)
Yours Truly
Jack The Kipper’

A spokesmen for the Angling Society of Great Britain said last night: ‘It’s terrible that innocent anglers are being targetted by this maniac.

‘Why can’t he pick on impoverished prostitutes like the other bloke used to’

Throughout September and October in 1963, twelve anglers on the Thames at Wapping Dock were strangled and then mutilated by a killer known as ‘Fishing Bible John’ due to his habit of leaving a rolled-up copy of The Angling Times inserted in the rectums of his victims.

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-fuelled London bobby you can trust

PC Ted (New)

Evening all!

Now, London can be an extremely difficult place to retain law and order, with rowdy public demonstrations just one of the daily situations that we bobbies are confronted with on an almost daily basis.

Take last Friday for example.

With feelings running high following yet more revelations of raucous parties being held in the offices at Downing Street at the height of the pandemic, we found ourselves called out to a rowdy demo in Whitehall where hundreds of angry protestors had gathered to express their rage at the fragrant breaches of lockdown guidelines by the very people charged with implementing them.

We sped to the scene, mob-handed, and while my colleagues joined the protestors in calling for Johnson to do the decent thing and resign, I shot into The Moon On The Mall boozer and sank 15 pints of Stella with half a dozen Jim Beam chasers.

As I staggered out into the street just after midnight and began to make my way back to the nick, having soiled myself and with sick down my tunic, I was filled with a sense of satisfaction as I noticed that all was once again quiet and that, thanks to our efforts, the very best of order had been restored.

Evenin’ all!

Ted Stupor is the honorary vice-president of the Liver Disease and Temporary Amnesia Society

Ghislaine’s Jailhouse Workout

Female_prisoner_shackled_in_her_small_cell
Hi fellow wrongdoers!

Now just because we’re incarcerated doesn’t mean we can’t strive to keep our bodies strong and supple and our minds agile and in tip-top condition.

I’ve been in the slammer for months now, and, during that time I’ve achieved a level of fitness I could only dream of when I was a filthy-rich socialite, procuring underage pussy for my late lamented pal and mentor, Jeffrey Epstein.

Here are just 5 of the simple and effective routines I’ve employed to stay bang in shape while languishing in stir. So why not give it at a go yourself during your time in the shovel and pick:

1: Prison Bar Presses (triceps, deltoids, pectorals) – With your feet slightly apart and standing around three feet from the bars of your cage, lean forward, grab those bars and press until your elbows are bent at around 90 degrees and then repeat for 20 reps.

2: Piss Pot Raises (lower back, glutes, hamstrings) – Stand, feet apart, over your chamber pot, bend from the waist and grab your receptacle while keeping the wrists rigid. Then, quickly return to a standing position while swinging the pot up above your head.
Experienced lags could try this one with a full pot to add resistance to the movement, but be careful or you may have to stop the routine to mop urine from the floor or to remove a dislodged roscoe from your head.

3: Striping The Screw Lateral Lifts ( deltoids, triceps, quads) – In the prison workshop, fashion a razor-sharp tool out of a toothbrush handle and smuggle it back to your cell inside your anal cavity.
Then, the next time a prison officer enters your cell to give it a spin for contraband or gear, rise quickly from your bunk, using those thighs to propel you towards your target.
Then simply slash away to head and body for 10 to 15 reps or until your vision is impaired by blood spatter.
Be advised that this one could see you getting a serious clumping from 7 or 8 screws later in the day followed by a spell in the hole, but it’ll be worth it when you see those power-packed quads rippling the next time you’re squatting down over your pot for an Eartha Kitt after breakfast.

4: Potting Up The Nonce Deadlifts (forearms, deltoids, abs and obliques) – An old Windsor Hotel favourite and very effective movement.
Stand close to your bars until it’s time for the paedos and other sex cases to slop out. Then, as they pass your ‘peter’ quickly grab your brim-full chamber pot in an explosive movement and hurl the contents over the passing beast.
I won’t be doing this one for obvious reasons

5: Jail Break Jumps ( forearms, wrists, calves, lats)
This final exercise is a real cardio-vascular banger, so we’ll end our session with this one.
During morning exercise, make an explosive dash towards the perimeter fence, really using those calves and hamstrings to the max as you sprint for the wire.
Then, throw yourself against the fence and begin scaling, using those lat muscles and glutes to gain height.
Only one rep is usually necessary with this one as you will probably be shot repeatedly in the back from the lookout tower by a warden with a machine gun, or fried to a cinder by 20,000 volts as soon as you touch the wire.

So that’s it guys. Let’s get ripped and ready in The Big House and remember, no pain, no parole hearing!

Ghislaine ‘The Max’ Maxwell
Segregation Wing
Rikers Island
New York NY.

Denise Welch apologises for raping football legend live on air

vic bint
Welch pictured outside the ITV studio last night

ITV’s Loose Women stalwart, Denise Welch, has issued an apology for raping a 57- year- old ex-footballer live on-air in yesterday’s edition of the programme.

Welch, 85, subjected Liverpool and England legend Barnes, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Middlesborough, Welch said: “I should like to apologise for raping Mr Barnes live on air yesterday.

“It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of.

“I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her actor ex-husband, Tim Healy , 92, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after the Auf Wiedersehen Pet star was spotted masturbating over the sweets in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

Local man sustains side strain injury during episode of Columbo

columbo-main-NEW

A 54-year-old local man has told The Whelk that he picked up a severe side strain while sitting on the sofa watching an episode of the popular TV detective drama, Columbo, last Friday.

Toby Dell, a window-fixer from Vallance Road, told us: “I was sitting on the sofa, watching Columbo, when I felt this searing pain in my side.

“I cried out in anguish but my wife told me to ‘put a sock in it’ and just carried on watching.

“I grabbed a pillow and covered my face, in an effort to avoid causing further disruption to her viewing pleasure.

“I can only put it down to the tension I felt when Columbo was leaving the room where he’d been questioning the murderer then stopped and said: “There’s just one more thing sir…”

This latest incident comes almost one year to the day when a woman from neighbouring Limehouse wrenched her left knee from its socket while removing her reading glasses to watch an episode of Murder She Wrote.

Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

trees-and-undergrowth-with-ferns
Dense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.

“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

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