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PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a teeming and vibrant city like London during a health emergency can be a challenging, and sometimes, a dangerous business.

Take last Saturday evening for example. The lads from my unit, along with myself, were relaxing in the canteen before going out on patrol in the West End to look for people flouting the lockdown regulations.

We then got a shout from upstairs that a bunch of anti-lockdown nutters had gathered outside St Thomas’ Hospital in Lambeth where they were giving a load of grief to the doctors and nurses coming off shift after a tough day on the covid wards.

We immediately deployed to the scene and laid into the protestors with our batons, leaving many of them unconscious on the deck.

We threw a few of these into the Thames to bring them round before setting off back to the wagons.

At this point, I realised I’d worked up a bit of a thirst, so I told the lads I’d see them back at the nick and broke into nearby Lambeth Palace where I got stuck into the Bishop of London’s booze cabinet until I spewed my ring up into the font and collapsed to the deck in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is the vice-chancellor of the Severe Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Association

West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

nana

A 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.

Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.

Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.

His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.

The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as ‘comfortable but a bit shaken’

A police spokesman told newsmen: “Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.

“He has admitted to the offence, blaming disappointment at discovering that post-Brexit bananas had not yet been straightened.

“Wait till he finds out that we still haven’t got rid of all the blacks”

More as we get it.

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Whitechapel-Based Crimefighting Tins of Beans

bat can & rob tin meme

This Week: Lockdown Looting!

It was 2.30 am on a bone-cold December night in Whitechapel.

Commercial Street, home to Mr Patel’s convenience store was deserted apart from a few rough sleepers and the odd urban fox, probing around the dustbins for scraps.

Inside the store, high on their top-shelf eyrie, the crimefighting tins of beans, Bat Can and Rob Tin were watchful and tense, every sinew and nerve taut as a bowstring

The word was out that armed raiders had been taking advantage of the lockdown to launch a series of daring, early hours swoops on local stores before making off with valuable Christmas stock and the two canned crusaders were going to ensure that any would-be robbers would be dealt with summarily and without mercy.

Suddenly, the silence was broken as the front door was stoved in by a steel ram welded to the hydraulic arm of a bulldozer.

Three masked men carrying pickaxe handles burst in and began emptying the shelves, tossing expensive selection boxes and family-sized tins of Heroes and Quality Street into holdalls.

Bat Can and Rob Tin knew at once what they had to do and prepared to spring into crimebusting action

Unfortunately, due to the fact that they are inanimate objects, completely lacking the ability to move, they were powerless to tackle the villains and had to watch helplessly as they raced out of the shop with their valuable booty.

Next Week: The High Fibre Heroes fail miserably to stop a local juice-head from walking out of the shop with a six-pack of Skol Super Strength concealed beneath his raincoat.

SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.

KIDDIES KORNER

cockney clangers car

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece featuring little, knitted space creatures, I’d stop putting the methylated spirit on your Corn Flakes if I were you – Ed

Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

sarah-ferguson-wedding-dress
Fergie pictured tying the knot with a paedo during happier times

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage, during which she beheaded seven people with a butchers knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. 

“It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. 

“I think the cops should just give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she was sent to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex-wife, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Local woman dismembered husband following ceiling-painting squabble

Ceiling_painting_of_the_Marble_Hall_-_Melk_Abbey_-_Austria

A 54-year-old woman was in hiding last night after revealing that she killed her husband by hitting him over the head with an iron bar and then dismembered his body in the bath after the two had fallen out over the correct method to employ when painting their bedroom ceiling.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from an unknown location, Tracy Dell, a hairdresser and mother of six, said: “I told Toby that we should use sugar soap on the ceiling prior to painting to ensure a professional finish, but as usual he wanted to cut corners and just brush off any cobwebs before beginning the cutting-in around the cornices and light fittings.

“I just lost it and felled him with the pry bar that he’d been using to lever stray carpet nails from the floorboards prior to laying a new carpet.

“There’s no way he could have survived that, so I dragged him into the bathroom and dismembered him in the tub using an angle grinder.

“I’ve put the bits in black sacks and left them out with the food waste.

“Hopefully, the dustmen won’t notice and he’ll end up as swill on a pig farm somewhere”

It is estimated that in London and the South-East alone over two million married couples fight to the death over home decor disagreements every year.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all.

Policing a sprawling, multi-cultural city like London during a pandemic can be a tough and pretty exacting job at times.

Take last Saturday for example. Our team were deployed to Trafalgar Square where a bunch of anti-mask headbangers were staging a demo, defending their right to give their fellow human beings a killer disease by not wearing a face covering when popping into Greggs for a sausage roll.

These fruit loops were causing a major disturbance, harassing innocent members of the public and interfering with traffic flow, so we were deployed to break up the demo and restore order.

When we arrived on the scene, things immediately turned nasty and we started getting pelted with bottles and other missiles.

A decision was quickly made to steam in and feel a few collars, so the lads drew batons and started piling into these chumps a bit lively.

Fortunately, at this point I noticed that The Moon On The Mall boozer in Whitehall was open, so while the lads broke a few heads I dived in and spent the next three hours drinking heavily at the bar until I collapsed in the gents’ toilet in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of The British Chronic Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Foundation

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

sausage party 2

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly jeered at the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, taunting him that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when the officer drew his taser and zapped him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage-based antics in the finest motion picture ever made while they may not be able to do so”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline NHS staff to offer support and good wishes.

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