Search

Category

crime

Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

sarah-ferguson-wedding-dress
Fergie pictured tying the knot with a paedo during happier times

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage, during which she beheaded seven people with a butchers knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. 

“It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. 

“I think the cops should just give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she was sent to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex-wife, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Local woman dismembered husband following ceiling-painting squabble

Ceiling_painting_of_the_Marble_Hall_-_Melk_Abbey_-_Austria

A 54-year-old woman was in hiding last night after revealing that she killed her husband by hitting him over the head with an iron bar and then dismembered his body in the bath after the two had fallen out over the correct method to employ when painting their bedroom ceiling.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from an unknown location, Tracy Dell, a hairdresser and mother of six, said: “I told Toby that we should use sugar soap on the ceiling prior to painting to ensure a professional finish, but as usual he wanted to cut corners and just brush off any cobwebs before beginning the cutting-in around the cornices and light fittings.

“I just lost it and felled him with the pry bar that he’d been using to lever stray carpet nails from the floorboards prior to laying a new carpet.

“There’s no way he could have survived that, so I dragged him into the bathroom and dismembered him in the tub using an angle grinder.

“I’ve put the bits in black sacks and left them out with the food waste.

“Hopefully, the dustmen won’t notice and he’ll end up as swill on a pig farm somewhere”

It is estimated that in London and the South-East alone over two million married couples fight to the death over home decor disagreements every year.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all.

Policing a sprawling, multi-cultural city like London during a pandemic can be a tough and pretty exacting job at times.

Take last Saturday for example. Our team were deployed to Trafalgar Square where a bunch of anti-mask headbangers were staging a demo, defending their right to give their fellow human beings a killer disease by not wearing a face covering when popping into Greggs for a sausage roll.

These fruit loops were causing a major disturbance, harassing innocent members of the public and interfering with traffic flow, so we were deployed to break up the demo and restore order.

When we arrived on the scene, things immediately turned nasty and we started getting pelted with bottles and other missiles.

A decision was quickly made to steam in and feel a few collars, so the lads drew batons and started piling into these chumps a bit lively.

Fortunately, at this point I noticed that The Moon On The Mall boozer in Whitehall was open, so while the lads broke a few heads I dived in and spent the next three hours drinking heavily at the bar until I collapsed in the gents’ toilet in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of The British Chronic Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Foundation

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

sausage party 2

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly jeered at the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, taunting him that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when the officer drew his taser and zapped him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage-based antics in the finest motion picture ever made while they may not be able to do so”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline NHS staff to offer support and good wishes.

Local man wakes from coma with ability to perform entire episode of Dixon of Dock Green

dixon

A 57-year-old Whitechapel man has emerged from a seven-year coma with the astonishing ability to perform, verbatim, an entire episode of the popular 1960s TV cop drama, Dixon of Dock Green.

Toby Dell, a former forklift truck driver who lapsed into a coma after a 200lb bale of raw cotton fell on his head at work in 2013, can now perform the entire show, playing each role, including the female parts, to perfection despite being too young to have ever seen it.

A spokesman for The Royal London Hospital told The Whelk: “Mr Dell came out of his coma three days ago. His first words were, ‘Evenin’ all’.

“He then went on to perform an entire episode of Dixon of Dock Green verbatim. He even produced a harmonica at the end and played the haunting theme tune.

“It was a wonderful moment and we all went down the pub to celebrate”

We called Mr Dell at his home in Leman Street last night. who told our reporter: “Evenin’ all. It was a foggy old evening in Dock Green that night. I was proceeding in a westerly direction on my usual beat when I spotted some villains breaking into a warehouse…”

He then ended the conversation, telling us that his son-in-law, Detective Inspector Andy Crawford, needed him to check out a report of a suspected break-in at a garage in Dock Lane.

Trump sends handwritten commiserations card to Yorkshire Ripper

yorkshire
Sutcliffe pictured during happier times when he was roaming Yorkshire, murdering women

In a bizarre follow-up to his recent goodwill message to the British-born socialite, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is currently in custody awaiting trial for procuring underage girls for her paedophile associate, the late Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump has sent a handwritten card to imprisoned mass murderer, Peter Sutcliffe aka The Yorkshire Ripper, expressing his sympathy for Sutcliffe’s long incarceration and wishing him all the best for the future.

Defending his actions to newsmen last night, Trump explained: “Listen, I know the guy killed a few hookers with a hammer but who knows what kind of pressure he was under.

“Everybody needs to let off a little steam and this guy’s no exception.

“To toss the guy into the can like that is excessive in my view. I mean it’s not like he used a private email server for official business, is it?

“I wish him well and if I could get him off the hook like I did with Roger Stone I would do it, no question.

“Maybe I could have a word with Boris. He’s a reasonable guy and could probably use the dough I’ll be offering”.

This latest move by the president comes just two weeks after he sent mass child killer, Beverly Allitt, dubbed, ‘The Angel of Death’, a box of Ferrero Rocher chocs and a bunch of carnations for her birthday in Rampton Secure Hospital for the criminally insane.

download

Stabbing disrupts class for anger management

knife

 

An anger management session at a local authority facility was halted yesterday afternoon after an attendee stabbed a fellow class member repeatedly following a disagreement on who was benefiting the most from the 21-day course.

Another class member told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The session was going pretty well initially and then things got heated when the lecturer asked people to give anecdotal evidence which would illustrate how the sessions had improved their behaviour under provocation.

This fella stood up and said that he’d resisted the temptation to assault his next-door neighbour for parking in front of his driveway and had merely left a passive-aggressive note on his windscreen and slashed his tyres.

At this point, another class member started calling him cowardly and scared to have a man-to-man straightener with the neighbour.

“He then told the class that his rehabilitation was far more impressive and that he hadn’t attacked his wife and kids for almost a fortnight

“The first bloke then pulled a blade from his jacket and started stabbing the geezer repeatedly.

“A few of us then jumped on top of him and gave him a battering before the lecturer put a stop to it by pulling a gun and shooting one of the lads in the back”

Just two weeks earlier, police had to be called to the venue when a drunken brawl broke out in the car park following a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

 

PC Ted (New)

Evening all

Policing a diverse, sprawling city like London is often a very challenging and even hazardous business for a Met Police copper, particularly during these unprecedented times.

So when my team received a shout that a group of around fifty, anti-lockdown merchants were staging a group ‘hug-in’ in Hyde Park in direct contravention of lockdown directives we realised at once that we were going to be in for a tough time dealing with these unhinged chumps

When we arrived on the scene, a rowdy demo was already underway with banner-waving protestors shouting about 5G death rays causing covid-19 while milling around in close proximity to one another in clear breach of the social-distancing guidelines.

Realising that time was of the essence and that our beloved National Health Service was being put at risk by these clowns, we began wading in with our batons.

Taking absolutely no chances with public safety, we beat the absolute crap out of them before tossing them into the Serpentine to drown.

All-in-all, it was a highly successful operation and I celebrated on the way home after my shift by joining a lock-in at a boozer in Victoria Street with about twenty others where I drank around twelve pints of heavy before spewing my ring up over the barmaid.

I was later found sprawled in a shop doorway in a pool of sick and with my heavily-soiled trousers round my ankles by two colleagues from Ebury Street nick who took me down the cells where they hosed me down with freezing cold water and stole my wallet.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑