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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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crime

Six die in fires and looting as leaderless Edinburgh descends into chaos

edinburgh
The former Dukedom of Edinburgh pictured in bad shape last night

Six people were reported to have been killed in lawless scenes last night following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Buildings were torched and businesses and shops in Edinburgh city centre were looted as a mob consisting of people of all ages ran amok less than an hour after the ninety-nine-year-old Duke was pronounced dead.

A Scottish Police spokesman told reporters: “Prince Philip’s death has left a power vacuum that these lawless folk are exploiting.

“We are hoping that a new Duke will be appointed soon so that law and order can be restored”

During his Dukedom, Prince Philip and a small force of around fifty handpicked men armed with billy clubs and antique swords would patrol the streets of Scotland’s capital nightly, administering swift justice to any lawbreakers.

The Duke is rumoured to have personally killed over thirty miscreants during his seventy-year tenure as well as despatching countless stray cats and dogs with his elephant gun during his nightly patrols.

Tributes came flooding in following the announcement of his death yesterday afternoon, including one from Scottish pop icon, Rod Stewart who posted on his website: “The morning sun, when it’s in your face really showed your age but that didn’t worry me none, in my eyes you were everything”.

The Duke’s funeral will be next Tuesday when the press will be poised to castigate Meghan Markle for either not showing up, not looking grief-stricken enough, or for risking the lives of Will’s and Kate’s kids by having mashed avocado on toast for breakfast.

Local man’s purchase of ‘dementia clock’ led to domestic violence

clock

A court heard yesterday that a 45-year-old Whitechapel man was hospitalised following a furious attack by his wife who became enraged when she realised that the clock he had ordered on Amazon was specifically designed for people with dementia or the visually impaired.

Tracy Dell, 42, is charged with assault and battery, using threats to kill, and inflicting grievous bodily harm on her husband Toby, a diesel-fitter from Berner Street.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell told the court: “I came home from the shops and immediately noticed that my husband had bought a new digital clock to go on top of our DVD player.

“The numbers on the display screen were massive and there was also a calendar and a readout to tell you if it was morning, afternoon or evening.

“I realised at once that he’d ordered a clock for elderly people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. I suppose I just lost control and attacked him.

“I didn’t want the shame of having visitors thinking I was visually impaired or was going round the bend.

“It was bad enough when he bought us both a pair of those zip-up fleece-lined boots from Betterware that you see old people wearing. He told me that they had extra grip on the soles to stop us from going over during icy weather.

“I mean, how old does he thing I am for God’s sake?”

The arresting officer, PC Terence Carter, told the court: “Mr Dell was in a bad way when I arrived and was bleeding heavily from a head wound.

“The defendant was standing over him with a large piece of sawn timber in her hand which she had clearly used to beat Mr Dell with.

“Mind you, I have to say that the clock he’d bought was a complete joke.

“The numbers and writing were huge and the display was so bright you could barely look at it without getting a migraine.

“It was definitely designed for elderly grunters or people that have difficulty knowing if they want a shit or a haircut”

The case continues.

Whelk Appeal: Save Our Office Cat

fat cat
The state of play in the newsroom earlier

This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.

The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.

We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.

We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’

Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:

The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1

Thanks very much – Ed

Whelk Exclusive: Harry and Meghan set to rebuild Kray twins’ criminal empire

harry meghan krays
The royal firm pictured in their terraced house in the Bethnal Green Road. Pic by The Artful Dodger aka Sofia Dee

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex plan to establish themselves as East London crime bosses in the style of the notorious Kray twins who ruled the London underworld in the late fifties and sixties.

We have learned from a man who sometimes drinks in The Carpenters pub in Bethnal Green, a former watering hole of Ronald and Reginald Kray and other members of their fearsome East End ‘Firm’, that Harry and Meghan have already started moving in on some of the local billiard halls, drinking clubs and illegal gambling dens, or, ‘spielers’ in and around the Whitechapel and Spitalfields area.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us: “The Sussex firm are slowly taking over a lot of the East London clubs and drinkers and people are getting worried that we’ll see a return to the lawless days when The Twins had the East End and also a good part of the West End in their pockets back in the old days.

“A few of the local car dealerships have already been targeted for protection after being visited by some of Harry and Meghan’s heavies, with one dealer getting nailed to a billiard table in The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel for being late with his ‘pension’.

“Of the two, Harry seems to be the most reasonable one, who will give creditors an extra day or two to come up with the money, but Meghan’s a different story altogether.

“She’s unstable and dangerous with a hair-trigger temper and a tendency to explode at the slightest hint of disrespect or liberty-taking.

“A few nights back, she used a cutlass to carve her initials into the arse of a club owner in Shoreditch who asked her if she’d put on a bit of weight during the lockdown.

“She’s also been visiting a number of boozers in the Buckingham Palace Road, hoping to come across The Queen who she’s threatened to give a striping because Her Majesty announced plans to take away Meghan’s royal pension that’s due when she retires at 65.

‘Although to be fair to the woman, she’s very good to her old mum and always visits her for a Sunday afternoon, sit-down tea and makes sure she’s got enough money for the rent and the odd new frock now and again.

‘Harry’s a lot more laid-back, although you still need to be wary of the geezer as he’s often pissed on gin and pilled-up at the weekends and once shot a geezer in the Blind Beggar for allegedly having a pop at Princess Ann while they were in the bogs having a gypsy’s kiss.

“To be fair if the royals do take over the manor a lot of people will be hoping that they’ll be willing to sort out problems for local people like the twins used to back in the day.

‘It’d be nice to think you could go round to their house if you’re having trouble with the landlord or a nuisance neighbour, knowing that Harry and Meghan would shoot round on a visit in a big motor and give the scumbags concerned a good old fashioned straightener on the cobbles with the old brass knuckles or a life preserver”

Police are now concerned that trouble could flare up between the Sussex mob and the rival firm from across the river in Camberwell run by the infamous Cambridge family headed by Prince ‘Willy The Jew’ Cambridge and his criminally insane wife, ‘ Maltese’ Katy C.

If you have any information which could be relevant to this piece, for fuck’s sake keep it to yourself and don’t tell the Old Bill, unless you want to end up in the foundations of a new tower block or being fed to the pigs on an urban farm on The Isle of Dogs – Ed

Local ‘troll’ found hanged after court seized mum’s dressing gown

dressing

Pic courtesy of Troll About Town magazine

A notorious internet troll was found hanged in his bedroom just hours after a court ordered the seizure of the dressing gown belonging to his mother which he habitually wore when sitting at his laptop sending hate messages to people in the public eye.

The wearing of a mother’s dressing gown is famously de riguer for the troll community and it is believed that the confiscation of this man’s ad hoc uniform may have pushed him over the edge.

The order came from a magistrate at Croydon Court in South London where the unnamed man appeared yesterday on charges of harassment and a number of public nuisance offences.

The magistrate told him: “You are clearly a somewhat pathetic individual who seeks validation through abusing people with a higher standing in society than yourself.

“I am therefore confiscating your mum’s dressing gown and issuing an order that she keeps her new one under lock and key in the wardrobe”.

In 2018, a notorious North London troll threw himself to his death from Hammersmith Bridge after sending racist insults via Twitter to heavyweight boxing champion, Anthony Joshua, who tweeted back that he had discovered the man’s IP address and would ‘be round for a chat later’.

ripper meme

Self-Published Author Attacks Regular Published Author With Axe

axe
A bloody axe similar to the type of desperate, ‘please buy me’, thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 55-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of publishing-based jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to resort to constantly having his work launched on Amazon in a desperate bid for some kind of recognition no matter how ill-deserved.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“Then, he seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, during which he would attack published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King, Steinbeck and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

The injured man is now recovering in The Royal London Hospital where he is said to be comfortable and availing himself of a number of the proper books from the hospital library

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed that people lacking the talent to have their work published in the conventional way prefer to be known as ‘indie authors’, which, we are reliably informed is the abbreviated vernacular for indescribably atrocious. You can also recognise them easily enough by their penchant for inserting the word, author, writer, bard, or, novelist, in their online screen name.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a teeming and vibrant city like London during a health emergency can be a challenging, and sometimes, a dangerous business.

Take last Saturday evening for example. The lads from my unit, along with myself, were relaxing in the canteen before going out on patrol in the West End to look for people flouting the lockdown regulations.

We then got a shout from upstairs that a bunch of anti-lockdown nutters had gathered outside St Thomas’ Hospital in Lambeth where they were giving a load of grief to the doctors and nurses coming off shift after a tough day on the covid wards.

We immediately deployed to the scene and laid into the protestors with our batons, leaving many of them unconscious on the deck.

We threw a few of these into the Thames to bring them round before setting off back to the wagons.

At this point, I realised I’d worked up a bit of a thirst, so I told the lads I’d see them back at the nick and broke into nearby Lambeth Palace where I got stuck into the Bishop of London’s booze cabinet until I spewed my ring up into the font and collapsed to the deck in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is the vice-chancellor of the Severe Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Association

West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

nana

A 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.

Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.

Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.

His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.

The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as ‘comfortable but a bit shaken’

A police spokesman told newsmen: “Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.

“He has admitted to the offence, blaming disappointment at discovering that post-Brexit bananas had not yet been straightened.

“Wait till he finds out that we still haven’t got rid of all the blacks”

More as we get it.

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