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Trump sends handwritten commiserations card to Yorkshire Ripper

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Sutcliffe pictured during happier times when he was roaming Yorkshire, murdering women

In a bizarre follow-up to his recent goodwill message to the British-born socialite, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is currently in custody awaiting trial for procuring underage girls for her paedophile associate, the late Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump has sent a handwritten card to imprisoned mass murderer, Peter Sutcliffe aka The Yorkshire Ripper, expressing his sympathy for Sutcliffe’s long incarceration and wishing him all the best for the future.

Defending his actions to newsmen last night, Trump explained: “Listen, I know the guy killed a few hookers with a hammer but who knows what kind of pressure he was under.

“Everybody needs to let off a little steam and this guy’s no exception.

“To toss the guy into the can like that is excessive in my view. I mean it’s not like he used a private email server for official business, is it?

“I wish him well and if I could get him off the hook like I did with Roger Stone I would do it, no question.

“Maybe I could have a word with Boris. He’s a reasonable guy and could probably use the dough I’ll be offering”.

This latest move by the president comes just two weeks after he sent mass child killer, Beverly Allitt, dubbed, ‘The Angel of Death’, a box of Ferrero Rocher chocs and a bunch of carnations for her birthday in Rampton Secure Hospital for the criminally insane.

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Stabbing disrupts class for anger management

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An anger management session at a local authority facility was halted yesterday afternoon after an attendee stabbed a fellow class member repeatedly following a disagreement on who was benefiting the most from the 21-day course.

Another class member told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The session was going pretty well initially and then things got heated when the lecturer asked people to give anecdotal evidence which would illustrate how the sessions had improved their behaviour under provocation.

This fella stood up and said that he’d resisted the temptation to assault his next-door neighbour for parking in front of his driveway and had merely left a passive-aggressive note on his windscreen and slashed his tyres.

At this point, another class member started calling him cowardly and scared to have a man-to-man straightener with the neighbour.

“He then told the class that his rehabilitation was far more impressive and that he hadn’t attacked his wife and kids for almost a fortnight

“The first bloke then pulled a blade from his jacket and started stabbing the geezer repeatedly.

“A few of us then jumped on top of him and gave him a battering before the lecturer put a stop to it by pulling a gun and shooting one of the lads in the back”

Just two weeks earlier, police had to be called to the venue when a drunken brawl broke out in the car park following a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

 

PC Ted (New)

Evening all

Policing a diverse, sprawling city like London is often a very challenging and even hazardous business for a Met Police copper, particularly during these unprecedented times.

So when my team received a shout that a group of around fifty, anti-lockdown merchants were staging a group ‘hug-in’ in Hyde Park in direct contravention of lockdown directives we realised at once that we were going to be in for a tough time dealing with these unhinged chumps

When we arrived on the scene, a rowdy demo was already underway with banner-waving protestors shouting about 5G death rays causing covid-19 while milling around in close proximity to one another in clear breach of the social-distancing guidelines.

Realising that time was of the essence and that our beloved National Health Service was being put at risk by these clowns, we began wading in with our batons.

Taking absolutely no chances with public safety, we beat the absolute crap out of them before tossing them into the Serpentine to drown.

All-in-all, it was a highly successful operation and I celebrated on the way home after my shift by joining a lock-in at a boozer in Victoria Street with about twenty others where I drank around twelve pints of heavy before spewing my ring up over the barmaid.

I was later found sprawled in a shop doorway in a pool of sick and with my heavily-soiled trousers round my ankles by two colleagues from Ebury Street nick who took me down the cells where they hosed me down with freezing cold water and stole my wallet.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

Hormonal woman slew husband with hatchet following tragic condensed milk error

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A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday accused of murdering her husband of 15-years with a hatchet after he had deliberately put condensed milk in her morning cup of coffee.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Leman Street, told the court that she was suffering from mood swings bought about by the onset of the menopause and that her husband’s condensed milk aberration had pushed her over the edge.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell said: “When I tasted that coffee I knew at once that he’d put condensed milk in it.

“He used to put it in his own and would often suggest I try it myself as he claimed it made it more creamy.

“Well, I wasn’t having that so I went for him with the hatchet.

“Fortunately, the first swing almost severed his head, so he didn’t really feel it when I hacked off his arms and legs

” Normally, I’d have just thrown the cup at him, but given that I was a bit hormonal I decided to kill him instead. In my view, he had it coming”.

The judge presiding, Justice Mary Jade, gave Mrs Dell an absolute discharge and told her in her summing up: “You acted out of character and were clearly a victim of a chemical imbalance.

“You are now free to leave the court. However, I would suggest that you make it plain to any future partner that you only take semi-skimmed with your hot beverages to avoid any future murderous attacks”

Mrs Dell was then driven away from court in a taxi with a reporter from the monthly periodical, The Menopausal Mayhem Bugle.

I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

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That’s easy for them to say

A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told this newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told us: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had begun to masturbate furiously, eventually blowing my custard all over the screen and keyboard

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt used and dirty and I just know that this will haunt me for the rest my life”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to make love to himself while he watched during a 7-day self-isolation period.

EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

 

ted threesome
Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.

 

Thanks very much

BBC’s Maitlis escapes death from falling anvil: Prince Andrew held

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Journalist and broadcaster, Emily Maitlis, had a narrow escape yesterday when a blacksmith’s anvil crashed to the ground, missing her head by inches, as she was leaving her office at the BBC headquarters in Portland Place, West London.

Police quickly arrived on the scene and began a search on the roof of the building where they found Prince Andrew crouching behind a lift shaft.

The troubled royal was then arrested and led away by armed officers before being taken to nearby Ebury Bridge police station where he is being held in police custody on suspicion of attempted murder.

Speculation is rife that Andrew may have been seeking revenge on the journalist after his disastrous televised interview in December 2019, when he denied having illicit sex with a minor by claiming that he was in a pizza parlour with his children when the alleged assault had taken place.

One eye witness to the arrest was forklift truck driver, Toby Dell, 27, from East London, who told reporters: “I saw two coppers dragging Prince Andrew towards the police car and bundling him into the back.

“He was effing and blinding and shouting the odds about being above the law and that he was going to tell The Queen if they didn’t let him go.

“I caught a glimpse of him as the motor sped past. and I have to say, that if what he says about being incapable of sweating is true, then somebody must have thrown a bucket of water over his swede because he was absolutely dripping”

Maitlis was shaken but unharmed following the incident and told reporters: “I knew he was a slippery little bastard but I didn’t expect this one”

In an ironic twist, if the Duke of York is found guilty, he will serve time in one of Her Majesty’s prisons, often referred to by inmates as, The Windsor Hotel.

JUST IN

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SUBSCRIPTION NOTICE: If you’d like to continue reading, make regular appointments with your optician for eye-testing. Also, bathing tired eyes in a warm water/sea salt solution can bring welcome relief to sufferers.

Now send us all you can afford and then some. Otherwise, you will be blocked from the site and we’ll send some of our larger friends to hang about outside your house at all hours.

Daubing graffiti on your car and walls, along with menacing your kids on their way to school is extra.

We just want to wet our beaks – Don Editorri

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