The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Denise Welch apologises for raping football legend live on air

vic bint
Welch pictured outside the ITV studio last night

ITV’s Loose Women stalwart, Denise Welch, has issued an apology for raping a 57- year- old ex-footballer live on-air in yesterday’s edition of the programme.

Welch, 85, subjected Liverpool and England legend Barnes, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Middlesborough, Welch said: “I should like to apologise for raping Mr Barnes live on air yesterday.

“It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of.

“I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her actor ex-husband, Tim Healy , 92, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after the Auf Wiedersehen Pet star was spotted masturbating over the sweets in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

Local man sustains side strain injury during episode of Columbo


A 54-year-old local man has told The Whelk that he picked up a severe side strain while sitting on the sofa watching an episode of the popular TV detective drama, Columbo, last Friday.

Toby Dell, a window-fixer from Vallance Road, told us: “I was sitting on the sofa, watching Columbo, when I felt this searing pain in my side.

“I cried out in anguish but my wife told me to ‘put a sock in it’ and just carried on watching.

“I grabbed a pillow and covered my face, in an effort to avoid causing further disruption to her viewing pleasure.

“I can only put it down to the tension I felt when Columbo was leaving the room where he’d been questioning the murderer then stopped and said: “There’s just one more thing sir…”

This latest incident comes almost one year to the day when a woman from neighbouring Limehouse wrenched her left knee from its socket while removing her reading glasses to watch an episode of Murder She Wrote.

Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

Dense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.

“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

floor polisher

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

Local man who left supermarket trolley slewed across aisle found slain

See the source image

Police made a grisly discovery around the back of a branch of a supermarket in Whitechapel last night after a woman reported what she thought was a body lying in a loading bay.

The body of a 54-year-old man with multiple stab wounds was later removed from the scene and taken to a local morgue for forensic examination.

The woman who found the body told a Whelk reporter that she recognised the deceased as a man who had previously caused a rowdy scene in the supermarket earlier that day by leaving his trolley slewed across an aisle while he perused the shelves for purchases.

Tracy Dell, 52, said: “This bloke seemed to think it was perfectly ok to block the aisle with his trolley while he faffed about looking for stuff on the shelves.

“People were getting really cheesed off, including my husband Toby, who told him he was going to wait for him outside and give him a good clumping.

“It looks like somebody beat him to it, although I haven’t been able to tell Toby about it yet as he’s gone on holiday to The Faroe Islands.

“I wouldn’t mind but he didn’t even ask me to come. He just said he was going on a whim and to tell the police he was dead if they came round asking questions.”

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 40-year-old Shoreditch man was decapitated with a hatchet at the checkout by an angry customer who had become fed up with waiting for the dead man to find his money-off coupons while paying at the till.

Six die in fires and looting as leaderless Edinburgh descends into chaos

The former Dukedom of Edinburgh pictured in bad shape last night

Six people were reported to have been killed in lawless scenes last night following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Buildings were torched and businesses and shops in Edinburgh city centre were looted as a mob consisting of people of all ages ran amok less than an hour after the ninety-nine-year-old Duke was pronounced dead.

A Scottish Police spokesman told reporters: “Prince Philip’s death has left a power vacuum that these lawless folk are exploiting.

“We are hoping that a new Duke will be appointed soon so that law and order can be restored”

During his Dukedom, Prince Philip and a small force of around fifty handpicked men armed with billy clubs and antique swords would patrol the streets of Scotland’s capital nightly, administering swift justice to any lawbreakers.

The Duke is rumoured to have personally killed over thirty miscreants during his seventy-year tenure as well as despatching countless stray cats and dogs with his elephant gun during his nightly patrols.

Tributes came flooding in following the announcement of his death yesterday afternoon, including one from Scottish pop icon, Rod Stewart who posted on his website: “The morning sun, when it’s in your face really showed your age but that didn’t worry me none, in my eyes you were everything”.

The Duke’s funeral will be next Tuesday when the press will be poised to castigate Meghan Markle for either not showing up, not looking grief-stricken enough, or for risking the lives of Will’s and Kate’s kids by having mashed avocado on toast for breakfast.

Local man’s purchase of ‘dementia clock’ led to domestic violence


A court heard yesterday that a 45-year-old Whitechapel man was hospitalised following a furious attack by his wife who became enraged when she realised that the clock he had ordered on Amazon was specifically designed for people with dementia or the visually impaired.

Tracy Dell, 42, is charged with assault and battery, using threats to kill, and inflicting grievous bodily harm on her husband Toby, a diesel-fitter from Berner Street.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell told the court: “I came home from the shops and immediately noticed that my husband had bought a new digital clock to go on top of our DVD player.

“The numbers on the display screen were massive and there was also a calendar and a readout to tell you if it was morning, afternoon or evening.

“I realised at once that he’d ordered a clock for elderly people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. I suppose I just lost control and attacked him.

“I didn’t want the shame of having visitors thinking I was visually impaired or was going round the bend.

“It was bad enough when he bought us both a pair of those zip-up fleece-lined boots from Betterware that you see old people wearing. He told me that they had extra grip on the soles to stop us from going over during icy weather.

“I mean, how old does he thing I am for God’s sake?”

The arresting officer, PC Terence Carter, told the court: “Mr Dell was in a bad way when I arrived and was bleeding heavily from a head wound.

“The defendant was standing over him with a large piece of sawn timber in her hand which she had clearly used to beat Mr Dell with.

“Mind you, I have to say that the clock he’d bought was a complete joke.

“The numbers and writing were huge and the display was so bright you could barely look at it without getting a migraine.

“It was definitely designed for elderly grunters or people that have difficulty knowing if they want a shit or a haircut”

The case continues.

Whelk Appeal: Save Our Office Cat

fat cat
The state of play in the newsroom earlier

This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.

The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.

We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.

We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’

Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:

The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1

Thanks very much – Ed

Whelk Exclusive: Harry and Meghan set to rebuild Kray twins’ criminal empire

harry meghan krays
The royal firm pictured in their terraced house in the Bethnal Green Road. Pic by The Artful Dodger aka Sofia Dee

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex plan to establish themselves as East London crime bosses in the style of the notorious Kray twins who ruled the London underworld in the late fifties and sixties.

We have learned from a man who sometimes drinks in The Carpenters pub in Bethnal Green, a former watering hole of Ronald and Reginald Kray and other members of their fearsome East End ‘Firm’, that Harry and Meghan have already started moving in on some of the local billiard halls, drinking clubs and illegal gambling dens, or, ‘spielers’ in and around the Whitechapel and Spitalfields area.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us: “The Sussex firm are slowly taking over a lot of the East London clubs and drinkers and people are getting worried that we’ll see a return to the lawless days when The Twins had the East End and also a good part of the West End in their pockets back in the old days.

“A few of the local car dealerships have already been targeted for protection after being visited by some of Harry and Meghan’s heavies, with one dealer getting nailed to a billiard table in The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel for being late with his ‘pension’.

“Of the two, Harry seems to be the most reasonable one, who will give creditors an extra day or two to come up with the money, but Meghan’s a different story altogether.

“She’s unstable and dangerous with a hair-trigger temper and a tendency to explode at the slightest hint of disrespect or liberty-taking.

“A few nights back, she used a cutlass to carve her initials into the arse of a club owner in Shoreditch who asked her if she’d put on a bit of weight during the lockdown.

“She’s also been visiting a number of boozers in the Buckingham Palace Road, hoping to come across The Queen who she’s threatened to give a striping because Her Majesty announced plans to take away Meghan’s royal pension that’s due when she retires at 65.

‘Although to be fair to the woman, she’s very good to her old mum and always visits her for a Sunday afternoon, sit-down tea and makes sure she’s got enough money for the rent and the odd new frock now and again.

‘Harry’s a lot more laid-back, although you still need to be wary of the geezer as he’s often pissed on gin and pilled-up at the weekends and once shot a geezer in the Blind Beggar for allegedly having a pop at Princess Ann while they were in the bogs having a gypsy’s kiss.

“To be fair if the royals do take over the manor a lot of people will be hoping that they’ll be willing to sort out problems for local people like the twins used to back in the day.

‘It’d be nice to think you could go round to their house if you’re having trouble with the landlord or a nuisance neighbour, knowing that Harry and Meghan would shoot round on a visit in a big motor and give the scumbags concerned a good old fashioned straightener on the cobbles with the old brass knuckles or a life preserver”

Police are now concerned that trouble could flare up between the Sussex mob and the rival firm from across the river in Camberwell run by the infamous Cambridge family headed by Prince ‘Willy The Jew’ Cambridge and his criminally insane wife, ‘ Maltese’ Katy C.

If you have any information which could be relevant to this piece, for fuck’s sake keep it to yourself and don’t tell the Old Bill, unless you want to end up in the foundations of a new tower block or being fed to the pigs on an urban farm on The Isle of Dogs – Ed

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