A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.
Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell
I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.
“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.
“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.
“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.
“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance
” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves
“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.
“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”
In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends stunned after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.