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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Erotica

Carols from Kings faces furious backlash over lack of lesbians

carols

The iconic Christmas carol service from Kings College Cambridge has been slammed for perceived bigotry after hundreds of viewers complained that there were no lesbian participants, either amongst the choir or the students reading excerpts from The Gospels.

A spokesman for the BBC, who screen the concert every Christmas Eve, explained: “We realise that we made an error by not including any lesbians in the service but it was wholly unintentional and we shall be making every effort to redress this next year. We might even throw in a few arse bandits as well, just to stress the point that we’ve got nothing against the gayers”

One irate viewer who wrote to the BBC was Toby Dell, 54, a diesel-fitter from Whitechapel in East London, who told a Whelk reporter: “I was absolutely furious that there were no lesbians present at the concert. I was bored to tears halfway through and could have really done with watching a spot of red hot, girl-on-girl clam noshing”

This latest furore comes just a week after the makers of Songs Of Praise were inundated with hundreds of viewer complaints about the lack of full-on, dwarf sex romps during a rendition of The Old Rugged Cross.

Royal Bombshell: Queen and Prince Philip had two-in-a-bed sex romp while I watched, says royal flunky

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                                              The saucy royals pictured last night

In a shock revelation, a staff member at Buckingham Palace has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that in June of 1963, he witnessed Her Majesty The Queen engaging in a steamy romp with her husband, The Duke of Edinburgh, when he entered their bed-chamber without knocking as he bought up their night time hot drinks.

The flunky, Tobias Dell, 97, told us: “It was blatant to say the least.

“They were both under the covers, engaging in a pretty vigorous bout of sex. They were really going at it full pelt.

“There was a fair amount of puffing and blowing, and at one point, Prince Philip called out: “Oh yes, Your Majesty, you dirty little royal trollop. You know what one likes, don’t you?”

“I hurriedly put down the drinks tray on the bedside table and left quickly before they both started shooting their bolts.

“The next morning, when I came up with the toast and marmalade, they were acting all innocent, as if nothing had happened.

“The Queen even asked me what the weather was doing and whether it was worth going into Hyde Park for a kick-about with Princess Ann”

If found to be true, this bombshell could threaten the very fabric of the monarchy and could even rival the uproar when Princess Margaret told The Daily Telegraph that she once walked in on Prince Edward while he was masturbating noisily to the pictures in a copy of Bodybuilding Monthly.

Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant You Can Trust

Dear Ted

I’ve been unable to work due to the pandemic, but every cloud has a silver lining and this has enabled me to spend more time growing fruit and veg at my allotment.

My question is about onions. I was thinking about planting this month, but given that the weather looks very dry for the next week or two and I can’t get down there to water every day should I hold off for a week or two for the September showers to make an appearance?

Toby Dell
Whitechapel

****************

Dear Toby

Have you and your wife ever had it off in your shed on the allotment?

I bet you have, you filthy sods

Did the thought of being overheard or spotted thrill you and intensify your excitement?

Have you ever introduced fruit or veg into your sex play? The odd courgette or overripe plum?

Does your wife wear anything under her gardening dungarees? Is she going commando while weeding the pumpkin bed, the brazen little trollop?

Have you ever filmed yourselves doing it while other gardeners watch? Christ, I’d pay good money to see that!

Were you wearing saucy undies when you wrote your query? If so, what colour were they?

Now, with regard to onions. They like a fair bit of watering after the initial planting to encourage growth, so I’d leave it until the Autumn showers are well and truly underway if I were you.

All the best and happy growing

Ted

Ted Threesome is vice chairman of the South East London Unnatural Acts and Organic Growers Society

Farage made me dress as Trump during saucy romp says, Iain Duncan Smith

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Saucy. Duncan Smith last night

Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.

Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.

“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.

“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.

“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.

“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.

“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.

“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.

“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.

“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.

“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”

Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.

I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

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That’s easy for them to say

A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told this newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told us: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had begun to masturbate furiously, eventually blowing my custard all over the screen and keyboard

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt used and dirty and I just know that this will haunt me for the rest my life”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to make love to himself while he watched during a 7-day self-isolation period.

Local man falls in love with suction hook

hook

A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends stunned after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

Lyrics For Intellectuals #7896

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid

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DISCLAIMER: No Bananaramas were hurt during the thought processes behind this article, nor, indeed, during its subsequent production – Ed

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

See the source image

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

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