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Local man falls in love with suction hook

hook

A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends stunned after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

Lyrics For Intellectuals #7896

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid

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DISCLAIMER: No Bananaramas were hurt during the thought processes behind this article, nor, indeed, during its subsequent production – Ed

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

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A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Politics

jacob erotic

DISCLAIMER: No Old Etonian toffs or silly dancers were harmed during the conception and construction of this meme – Ed

LIFESTYLE

house on the prairie

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece I strongly suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself – Ed

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

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A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

Halloumi shortage sparks masturbation frenzy in Whitechapel

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Grilled halloumi trying to look all innocent

People living in the East London borough of Whitechapel have taken to the streets in large numbers where they have been masturbating furiously in protest at the recent shortage of halloumi cheese.

Since the Cypriot producers of the delicious ewe’s cheese announced that they are unable to meet the demand for the product across London, many locals have taken to pleasuring themselves in public to express their disquiet at the shortage of their culinary favourite.

We spoke to one resident, Toby Dell, 35, who we spotted masturbating in a shop doorway: “This halloumi shortage has hit people in this area very hard.

“In my view, masturbating in public seems like a damn good way to draw people’s attention to the problem, particularly if they get bits of spadge on their shoes as a result.”

This latest protest comes almost a year to the day after government curbs on the import of hummus from Lebanon caused an outbreak of extreme bondage in neighbouring Spitalfields.

whelk dominatrix

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