Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Category

Erotica

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

See the source image
Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

Advertisements

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

See the source image

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Politics

jacob erotic

DISCLAIMER: No Old Etonian toffs or silly dancers were harmed during the conception and construction of this meme – Ed

LIFESTYLE

house on the prairie

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece I strongly suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself – Ed

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

limehouse
A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

Halloumi shortage sparks masturbation frenzy in Whitechapel

grilled-halloumi11
Grilled halloumi trying to look all innocent

People living in the East London borough of Whitechapel have taken to the streets in large numbers where they have been masturbating furiously in protest at the recent shortage of halloumi cheese.

Since the Cypriot producers of the delicious ewe’s cheese announced that they are unable to meet the demand for the product across London, many locals have taken to pleasuring themselves in public to express their disquiet at the shortage of their culinary favourite.

We spoke to one resident, Toby Dell, 35, who we spotted masturbating in a shop doorway: “This halloumi shortage has hit people in this area very hard.

“In my view, masturbating in public seems like a damn good way to draw people’s attention to the problem, particularly if they get bits of spadge on their shoes as a result.”

This latest protest comes almost a year to the day after government curbs on the import of hummus from Lebanon caused an outbreak of extreme bondage in neighbouring Spitalfields.

whelk dominatrix

Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

ted threesome

Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
Whitechapel
London W1

*******************

Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my allotment? I want Tracy to sneer at the size of my pathetic manhood on webcam! Christ, I’m close!

PS.  Yes, I would remove the first flower bud(s) to allow the plants to put their energy into root growth and getting established. That way you’ll get a much better display throughout summer, if you’ll pardon the expression.

All the very best you two and enjoy your garden!

Ted.

Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Popular Gardening & Extreme Bestiality Monthly

Whitechapel fails to win European District of Erotica title for a record 50th time

 

 

erotica
Some people being erotic in the olden days. Courtesy of The Stepney Museum of Ancient Shagging

 

There was an air of gloom and despondency in Whitechapel last night as news broke that the area has once again failed to win the coveted European District of Erotica crown for the 50th time since its inception 50 years ago.

Whitechapel’s mayor, Toby Dell, 80, couldn’t hide his disappointment when he spoke to us late last night.

“It’s a massive blow to miss out on the title once again, but we’re a resilient bunch in Whitechapel and we’re determined not to let this setback deter us from becoming extremely erotic in the year ahead in a bid to get our hands on the crown in 2018.”

This year’s prestigious Golden Fanny of Montreaux was won by the neighbouring East London district of Shoreditch, who were so erotic in the lead up to Christmas last year that people travelling through the area on public transport were frequently arrested for gross indecency as they masturbated to completion while looking out of the bus window.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑