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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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food and drink

THE WHITECHAPEL MUG FACTORY PROUDLY PRESENTS

prince andrew mug

Each commemorative mug is lovingly crafted by Bangladeshi slave kids who work 18-hours a day to perfect their craft.

Made from 100% pottery, these exquisite tea mugs can hold almost a third of a pint of your favourite brew.

Just don’t use boiling water or all bets are off breakage-wise.

So celebrate the special bond between these two wonderful human beings and raise a cheery mugful of Darjeeling to their time spent together roaring up underage children on a desert island.

Each mug normally retails at two hundred pounds each, but if you take advantage of our special Autumn offer, we’ll give you two for four hundred pounds without anything else thrown in free!

Send your cash money or bankers draft to:

The Whitechapel Mint, C/O The Blind Beggar Public House, Whitechapel E1

DISCLAIMER: I’m a thick-as-shit royalist who will buy anything if it’s got a member of the royal family’s dial on it. I fully understand that I may not receive a mug nor anything else for my money, and that if I complain I stand  more than a 50/50 chance of getting a really good clumping down a dark alley or in the comfort of my own home.

Signed…

Ask Danny Dumplings: The TV Chef and Overly-Violent Marriage Guidance Guru You Can Trust

Clivey TV Chef

Pic by ‘Inchcock’ ©

Dear Danny

I’m a 25-year-old recently married woman. However, I suspect my husband is cheating on me with a local dominatrix.

He constantly rejects me in bed and I’ve recently noticed a number of livid weals on his back that look as if they’ve been caused by a whip of some description.

My suspicions were aroused the other day when I found a business card in his trouser pocket advertising the services of a woman in a leather catsuit calling herself Annabelle Anguish.

He has also converted the garden shed into a makeshift dungeon and spends hours in there, hanging upside down lashed to a cross.

I’ve tried talking to him about saving our marriage but I can’t understand his replies as his voice is indistinct through his PVC gimp mask and ball-gag.

Please help if you can Danny as I still love him despite the fact that he’s become a weapons-grade sicko whose disgusting practices make me want to throw up.

Tracy Dell

Whitechapel E1


Dear Tracy

Try making him one of my speciality bread and butter puddings – the recipe can be found on my website – then, while he’s tucking into the delicious dessert, force a spiked rolling pin into his bottom until you can no longer see the handle.

If that doesn’t put him off the sado-masochistic lifestyle then I don’t know what will.

Kind Regards

Danny Dumplings

Danny Dumplings is the acting vice-chairman of The East London Grievous Bodily Gourmet Association

KIDDIES KORNER

cockney clangers car

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece featuring little, knitted space creatures, I’d stop putting the methylated spirit on your Corn Flakes if I were you – Ed

Local man eats wife after discovering she’s a cake

Victoria-Sponge-HERO-eac08238-0b21-4a6e-9cef-596597c44efc-0-472x310
A cross-section of one of Mrs Dell’s arms pictured earlier

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man ate his wife last week after making the shock discovery that she was actually a cleverly sculpted concept cake made by a local online craft baker.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told The Whitechapel Whelk:

“I married her a few weeks ago because she seemed a nice quiet girl.

“She didn’t do much around the house mind you and I always had to make the first move in bed.

“Then, a few days ago, I was having a cup of tea sitting next to her on the sofa and decided to playfully nibble her neck

“Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was made entirely from Victoria sponge.

“She even had a cream and strawberry jam filling.

“I helped myself to one of her arms and washed the crumbs down with my tea

I’ve put the rest of her in the pantry for later.

“It’ll probably take me a few more days to finish eating all of her and I’ll need to get on the old treadmill to burn off the calories, but I’ll have plenty of time as I’ve just lost my job due to covid.”

This news came just a few days after a number of people accused Prime Minister, Boris Johnson of being a complete doughnut.

Angry locals riot following tinned potatoes furore

See the source image

An angry mob of over two hundred people laid siege to a corner shop in Leman Street last night after a Whitechapel man was sold a tin of boiled potatoes in water which contained a number of potatoes that were extremely undersized.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer, alerted neighbours and then posted pictures online of the potatoes in a pan, using arrows to indicate five or six extremely small examples.

Just hours later, a furious mob had gathered outside Dell’s home, chanting slogans and waving anti-tinned potato banners.

Things quickly turned ugly when Dell led the protesters, now brandishing pitchforks and carrying burning torches, down to Bishen Patel’s grocery store where they stood outside, hurling missiles and demanding justice and a full refund for Mr Dell.

As the baying mob began overturning cars and throwing petrol bombs at police, Mr Patel emerged from the shop and explained to Mr Dell that he had no idea that the tin contained undersized potatoes and that if he had known he would have taken it up with the wholesaler immediately.

Patel then gave Dell a free tin of Smedley’s tinned kidney beans in brine by way of recompense.

The two men then embraced warmly as the delighted crowd roared their approval before dispersing into the night.

This latest incident comes just two days after a local greengrocer was crucified and then burned alive by an angry mob in St George’s Park in Shadwell for allegedly selling a tin of marrow fat peas that contained a couple of black ones.

My keyboard warrior son has to ask me to get the lids off jars says local woman

keyboard warrior meme

A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told a Whelk reporter that her 22-year-old son – a habitual internet troll – doesn’t possess the strength to unscrew the lids from jars and has to get her to do it for him.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told us: I’ve lost count of the number of lids I’ve had to unscrew for him over the years.

‘He just sits in his bedroom all day wearing my dressing gown and threatening people online.

“He doesn’t seem to target particular people, although he does tend to go for softer options like transport enthusiasts or interior design Facebook groups.

‘He then emerges at teatime and gets me to unscrew the lid from his marmite or jar of Nutella before he has a couple of slices of toast and a glass of banana Nesquik.

‘He’s never been very robust, to be honest, and was regularly bullied at school by the other kids, especially the girls.

“He did have a girlfriend for a couple of weeks but she left him after continuously beating him at arm wrestling.

‘I’ve told him to stop abusing people online and to get out more but he flatly refuses.

‘The only time he’s been outside in the last two years was a few months ago when he was traced by a woman he’d been trolling who turned up on the doorstep.

‘He ended up throwing himself out of the bedroom window and broke both his legs.’

It has been estimated by scientists that if you harnessed the strength of ten typical keyboard warriors you would produce roughly enough torque or turning effort to unscrew the top from a bottle of Vimto after the lid had been tapped a few times with the edge of a knife to loosen it up a bit.

Local man cuts short visit to toilet following radio disaster

toilet 2

A 54-year-old man has told The WhitechapelWhelk that he curtailed an early morning bathroom visit last week after discovering that the small radio he normally listens to during a bowel movement wasn’t working due to a dead battery

Toby Dell from Leman Street told us: “I’d just finished a massive bowl of porridge and was settling down on the sofa to read the paper when I felt the need to have a clear-out.

“I settled myself down on the chodbin and went to switch on the radio to have a listen to BBC London FM only to find it was dead.

“I was absolutely gutted as I wanted to listen to the Vanessa Feltz Show while I dropped the kids off at the pool.

“Unfortunately, there was no way I could go out and get some new batteries as I’d already started and had the turtle’s head.

“I just got the job squared away in double-quick time and got the hell out.

“Next time I need an Eartha Kitt, I’ll turn the radio on first to make sure it’s working”

It is estimated that the average man spends up to thirty per cent of his life in the smallest room, reading newspapers or listening to the radio.

In some extreme cases, a small proportion of men have fitted a wall-mounted TV opposite the pan where they watch complete movies, or binge-watch popular TV series on Netflix,  like Game of Thrones or Peaky Blinders while they’re having a ‘pony and trap’.

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

sausage-party-2016-09

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly shouted to the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when he drew his taser and shot him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck”.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage based antics in the finest motion picture ever made”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline staff to offer support and good wishes.

Biff, Sock, Pow praised my blog then ate my gnocchi says local man

biff

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The East London Gazette that popular WordPress blogger, Biff Sock Pow, stole a number of pieces of gnocchi from his plate while he was reading a favourable review of his Whitechapel-based blog on Pow’s homepage.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told the Gazette: “I had just sat down to eat my gnocchi and was browsing through my phone, looking for responses to my latest blog post.

“I spotted Pow’s piece, praising my stuff and including me in his top 5 favourite blogs

“Naturally, I was both intrigued and excited in equal measure and put down my fork as I scrolled through his piece.

“However, when I’d finished reading and readdressed myself to my meal, I noticed that 3 pieces of gnocchi were missing

“I told my wife who explained that I must have eaten them while I was reading, but I’m convinced Pow took them, probably using a fork on a spring that he was manoeuvring from the kitchen.

“It’s my view that he either ate them on the spot or took them back to the United States where he warmed them up in his microwave and had them for his supper, washed down with a shot of redeye”

Pow was approached for a comment but became evasive and told a Gazette reporter, “Blow it out ya goddamn ass”.

For more on Biff Sock Pow, why not give his latest book a try?
My Life Stealing Italian Food is available on Amazon for the price of a plate of tagliatelle in a garlic and basil sauce

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