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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Grooming

Vast majority of men who exchange heart emoticons on Facebook extremely likely to use male moisturising products, claims study

male moist poof

A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed that male Facebook users who routinely post heart emoticons on comments or status updates from other men are extremely likely to use male grooming products, in particular, moisturising cream.

Professor Tobias Dell, who led the two-year-long study, told New Scientist magazine: “Our results clearly show that men who routinely exchange love heart emoticons on the Facebook platform are almost certainly regular users of male grooming products, especially moisturiser, although some were also shown to habitually use skin-toning or rejuvenating products, particularly ones that smell of flowers and things of that nature”

These findings come hot on the heels of a recent survey by Yale University in The United States which revealed that the habitual exchanging of social media love hearts between adult males has led to a huge surge in demand for erectile dysfunction treatment and also a marked increase in men who openly admit to enjoying ballet, crochet, and having lengthy discussions with their partner on their relationship and where they think it may be going further on down the line.

Coronavirus Guidelines: An Update From The PM

The Prime Minister Boris Johnson Portrait

Good afternoon everybody

If you can get your face waxed by a beautician, do it from home. If you can’t get it waxed, do it safely on the tube, remembering to stay one metre-plus from any sheltering or vulnerable beauticians.

If you can work, don’t work, similarly, if you can’t work, work from a waxing salon but don’t wear a face covering, unless you’re on the tube and you have underlying wax issues.

Coronavirus will all be over by Christmas, but if it isn’t and more people require emergency waxing or shelter on the tube, I won’t hesitate to impose another lockdown, with no tube travel, no Christmas, and no waxing safely from home, unless you’re a vulnerable, sheltering tube driver with a hairy face.

We’re all in this together, especially when we’re waxing our tubes or sheltering our faces on the buses and tubes.

If you are sheltering, don’t shelter, just go to work on the tube and keep 1-metre-plus from any self-isolating vulnerable wax drivers, especially on the bus at Christmas.

Remember. Save wax. Stay out of the NHS. Protect the virus.

Now, I’ll take a few questions from vulnerable members of the press about safe waxing on Christmas Eve and the government’s plans to build five thousand sheltering salons for locked down beauticians during an NHS tube delay caused by wax on the line at Charing Cross on Boxing Day after we’ve all been in it together along with a few self-isolating NHS tube drivers…

Local woman’s glee at best friend’s dress choice error knows no bounds

dress
God no! A woman pictured about to commit an egregious fashion faux pas last night

A 23-year-old woman was unable to contain her glee last night after her best friend arrived at a party in a particularly unflattering dress that made her look like, ‘a sack tied up in the middle’, according to the woman’s description of her friend since childhood.

Tracy Dell, a hairstylist from Dock Street in Whitechapel, took a number of photographs of her friend, Melissa Carter, wearing the dress and then opened several fake social media accounts, posting the photos on all of them accompanied by cruel jibes and damning criticism of the woman’s dress sense and figure.

A mutual friend of the two women told a Whelk reporter: “Tracy really went to town on her. It was pretty heartless and unnecessary, even though Melissa did look like shit on a stick in that dress. Some girls could get away with wearing that sort of thing I suppose but not with an arse the size of hers.”

It is estimated, that during the Xmas party season, over 5 million British women will have the piss ripped out of them due to their choice of evening wear by other females who they assumed were their ‘besties’.

Local man angers fellow commuters with ‘disgusting act’

tube

A 32-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London came under fire from fellow commuters yesterday morning when he began waxing his toes on the platform of Stepney Green tube station.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street was harangued and jostled by fellow travellers after he removed his shoes and socks and began applying wax strips to his toes.

One perplexed female commuter told The Whelk: “Couldn’t this man have done this at home before he left. It’s disgusting.

“I realise that we all need to wax our toes from time to time, I myself do it weekly, but I usually do it on Sunday evenings after a hot bath which softens the hairs and opens the pores, making removal easier and relatively pain-free”

Mr Dell explained: “I’d bought the waxing strips on my way to work and I was intending to use them that night but I couldn’t wait.

“I have to say, there was some discomfort and a bit of post-waxing redness, but on the whole, I was pleased with the product and would certainly buy it again”

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a woman was pushed onto the tracks at Camden High Street station after she was spotted plucking stray hairs from her bikini line while waiting for the 7.32 Northern Line train to London Bridge

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

 
The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

 
Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed.

 
We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

 
Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just want to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

 
Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

 
‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’  Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

 
Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic ‘Cock Flasher’, and for the ladies, the ever-popular ‘Flange Mate’

Bride shuns wedding, blows up groom’s mother

A bride-to-be failed to show up at her own wedding last week, choosing instead to blow up her future mother-in-law using high explosives.

Tracy Dell, 22, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk that she’d reached the end of her tether due to the woman’s constant interference with the wedding arrangements.

“She was on my case, morning, noon and night,” she told us.

“If it wasn’t the guest list, the bridesmaid’s dresses, or the seating arrangements, she was banging on about my choice of food for the buffet.

“The last straw came when she told me to switch from being a Roman Catholic to a Jew so that she could make matzo balls and chicken soup for the reception.

“I looked up the ingredients and the method for bomb-making online, and on the morning of the wedding, left the device in her kitchen after calling in on the pretext of discussing the honeymoon arrangements.

“When I heard the explosion and looked back at her house in ruins it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 23-year-old man from neighbouring Shoreditch bundled his 67-year-old future mother-in-law into the lion enclosure at London Zoo after the woman had criticised his choice of top hat for the big day.

I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

See the source image
Taylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.

“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.

“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”

Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.

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