Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Category

health

Sex robot gives birth to baby hoover

Image result for henry the hoover
Sucking babe: The infant hoover having its first tentative clean-up around a hospital staff member’s desk last night

Doctors at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel have announced that a robot designed for sexual purposes has given birth to a baby Henry The Hoover.

A spokesperson for the maternity unit told newsmen that the replica female robot was admitted yesterday morning suffering from an issue with the circuitry around the abdominal area and gave birth to the 2lb 7oz hoover just an hour later.

Robot and small cleaning device are said to be doing well and will be returning home tomorrow following wiring checks and a routine service.

The robot’s owner, James Dyson, owner of the successful, Dyson hoover manufacturing company, was said to be ‘taken aback’ by the news.

“You f*****g what?” he exclaimed to reporters from his home in Singapore.

It is believed that the pregnancy may have come about after Dyson lent the robot to his friend, and fellow Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, who owns a Henry and may have left the two alone in the cupboard under the stairs.

Advertisements

HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

jacob sovereignty rub

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

Sword Swallowing and You: A Pictorial Essay

marvo

It is with deep regret that we must tell you that Marvo lost his battle and was taken from us on Christmas Eve 2018.

He will be remembered for his CUTTING  wit, his SHARP intellect, and his willingness to SHIELD others from harm while backing them up to the HILT etc.

May he rust in peace – Ed

Local 3-year-old slammed for failing to dial 999 following mother’s collapse

VTech-Call-and-Chat-Learning-Phone
On point. A sensible 3-year-old demonstrates how to alert the emergency services

A 3-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London came in for widespread criticism last night after she failed to call the emergency services following her mother’s epileptic seizure earlier today.

A spokesman for The London Ambulance Service told reporters: “This callous little madam completely failed to alert us when her mother collapsed at their home.

“We get hundreds of 999 calls from little kids each year, which we record and send to BBC London News so that people can marvel at how brave and clever the child in question is and how they saved their stricken parent from certain death.

“However, this self-centered little cow obviously couldn’t be bothered and probably just carried on playing with coloured bricks or something along those lines”

In a similar case, just 3-weeks ago, a 2-year-old boy was slammed by police and threatened with arrest after failing to tackle armed raiders at his home in nearby Shoreditch.

Lifestyle & Health

Sweaty_Cow_Front_Cover

NEXT WEEK: 5 Delicious and healthy, sweat-based recipes for the whole family to enjoy

PLUS: Tips on how to top up your garden pond by wringing out your bra and knickers

©Sweaty Cow is an associate member of The Unsavoury Bodily Fluids Publishing Corporation

Local ‘woo woo’ drowned in bath of own urine court told

woo

A coroner’s court was told yesterday, that a 35-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned in a bath filled with her own urine in January of this year.

Tracy Dell, unemployed, was believed to have been attempting to self-medicate by immersing herself in the urine which she had been storing in jam jars for the previous 6-months.

The court heard that Ms Dell was a committed anti-vaccination activist who was a firm believer in natural remedies and in the body’s power to heal itself through the application and consumption of human waste.

Her landlord, Carter Tobias, 57, told the court: “She was a fully paid-up woo woo in my opinion. I once caught her eating a sh*t sandwich and washing it down with a big glass of piss.

“When I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was trying to clear up a number of infected boils on her chest”

The coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure and abject fuckwittery.

If you think this piece is a tad far-fetched, simply follow a Facebook page with the rather ponderous but wholly descriptive title of, Detox, Anti-Vax and Woo Insanity. You will be both highly amused and utterly horrified in equal measure by the sheer, weapons-grade stupidity of the rather odd collection of individuals these guys shine the spotlight on. – Ed

The measles vaccine caused my 3-year-old kid to slay 27 says local mother

grim-reaper-theme-kk1

A Whitechapel mother has told The Whelk that her 3-year-old daughter embarked on a killing spree that left 27 schoolchildren dead just 2 years after having been administered a vaccine to ward off measles

Tracy Dell, 22, told us: “It was just a day like any other. I parked my car at the top of a steep hill and left my 3-year-old daughter in the passenger seat while I went into a tobacconist to get some smokes and a Lucky Dip ticket.

“While I was in there, the kid must have released the handbrake causing the car to roll down the hill into a queue of schoolkids waiting for a bus.

“The next day, I did some internet research into kids who kill and it soon became obvious that the measles jab was wholly to blame.

“Apparently, vaccination causes all sorts of brain disorders, including, murderous psychosis

“I rue the day I took her for her shot, to be honest.

“In future, she can take her chances with killer diseases and the same goes for any other sprogs I have in the future.”

Mrs Dell asked that her fee for this interview be awarded to, ImbecilesAgainstImmunisation.com

OUT NOW!

Here’s one that we came up with yesterday that has already got us into trouble with members of the opposite species on some social media platforms. I blame the recent shortage of Evening Primrose Oil – Ed

PMT_Monthly_-_August_2018

We lubs ya really, ladies 😀

LIFESTYLE: Fitness For The Under-Fives

tots health

Tot’s Health is part of The Infant Liver Damage and Torn Tendons Publishing Group ©

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑