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Local man filled with hope for nail fungus relief following Boxing Day spam mail ‘miracle’

spam

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London felt an overwhelming sense of hope and joy after a spam email he opened in the early hours of Boxing Day contained the promise of lasting relief from the misery of toenail fungus.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Dock Street, told The Whelk that he wept with joy after spotting the item amongst 60 other spam mails, which included Pinterest notifications and invites to meet mature Russian women for no-strings friendships.

“I’ve been plagued with toenail fungus on and off since childhood so this piece of junk mail is nothing short of a miracle” he reveals.

“When I read that it was offering me prolonged relief from the condition I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and wept with joy

“I’ve now ordered a full course of treatment which involves creams and a course of tablets for only £75 per month for the next 6 years.

“It means I’ll have to give the no-strings Russians a miss this year but, to be honest, none of them ever turned up to the dates anyway.

“The stuff should arrive during January according to the confirmatory email, but they did stipulate that it comes from China and is therefore subject to delays of a few months depending on demand.

“This is the best Christmas present ever and I can’t wait to get my socks off and put an end to my fungus-based misery for good”

In other news, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Poplar is excitedly looking forward to receiving a gently corrective toe-trainer device which she spotted in her junk folder and which she hopes will finally put an end to years of her having to wear an outsize boot on one foot causing her to lope along the road like a chimp.

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Lyrics For Intellectuals #9856

THIS WEEK: White Christmas – Bing Crosby

bing white xmas

In the movie, White Christmas, Bing performed the eponymous theme tune naked from the waist down as a favour to his sexually insane co-star, Rosemary Clooney. He later confided to friends that Clooney was a ‘real goer’ and that he lost 2-stone in bodyweight due to her constant demands to be scuttled in her caravan after the day’s filming was over –  The Sunday Times Coitus Supplement

Bereaved local mother slams women’s sanitary products ads

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A period of unease. Did these products lead to a young girl’s death?

The mother of a teenage girl who collapsed and died during her menstrual cycle broke down in front of reporters earlier today before furiously hitting out at the advertising campaigns employed by the makers of women’s sanitary products.

Mrs Mary Dell, 32, of Dock Street, Whitechapel, whose 17-year-old daughter, Tracy, collapsed and died whilst playing tennis in a pair of dazzlingly white shorts, believes that advertising campaigns which portray various women participating in a variety of sports and strenuous outdoor activities during menstruation are misleading and a bad influence on impressionable youngsters.

“Tracy was always a quiet and studious child who much preferred being indoors curled up with a book or chatting to her friends on Facebook to taking part in outdoor sports and so on,” she said.

“But as soon as she began her period her whole demeanour would change and almost immediately she’d put on blindingly white clothing before going off rock climbing, abseiling, roller blading and so on.

“She would even wait for a really windy day before going out for a game of tennis in a tiny skirt with a pair of white knickers on so that people could see how confident she was that her tampon wouldn’t let her down. I’m convinced that the physical demands on her body were to blame for her death

“In my day, we’d just stay in during our time of the month and help our mums with the housework, or sit up in our bedrooms reading books with a face like thunder. These companies have got a lot to answer for if you ask me”

The CEO of Discreet & Sure Products, Mrs Amanda Carter, spoke to reporters outside the company’s headquarters in Shoreditch last night.

“Of course we’re deeply sorry to learn of this terrible tragedy and our thoughts are with Tracy’s family at this distressing time, but we totally refute any allegations that we’re harming youngsters by encouraging them to pursue an active lifestyle during their menstrual cycle.

In fact, I’m in the middle of a particularly heavy period myself at the moment and cant wait to begin scaling a rockface wearing a pair of skintight white trousers and no knickers.”

HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

jacob sovereignty rub

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

Sword Swallowing and You: A Pictorial Essay

marvo

It is with deep regret that we must tell you that Marvo lost his battle and was taken from us on Christmas Eve 2018.

He will be remembered for his CUTTING  wit, his SHARP intellect, and his willingness to SHIELD others from harm while backing them up to the HILT etc.

May he rust in peace – Ed

Local 3-year-old slammed for failing to dial 999 following mother’s collapse

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On point. A sensible 3-year-old demonstrates how to alert the emergency services

A 3-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London came in for widespread criticism last night after she failed to call the emergency services following her mother’s epileptic seizure earlier today.

A spokesman for The London Ambulance Service told reporters: “This callous little madam completely failed to alert us when her mother collapsed at their home.

“We get hundreds of 999 calls from little kids each year, which we record and send to BBC London News so that people can marvel at how brave and clever the child in question is and how they saved their stricken parent from certain death.

“However, this self-centered little cow obviously couldn’t be bothered and probably just carried on playing with coloured bricks or something along those lines”

In a similar case, just 3-weeks ago, a 2-year-old boy was slammed by police and threatened with arrest after failing to tackle armed raiders at his home in nearby Shoreditch.

Lifestyle & Health

Sweaty_Cow_Front_Cover

NEXT WEEK: 5 Delicious and healthy, sweat-based recipes for the whole family to enjoy

PLUS: Tips on how to top up your garden pond by wringing out your bra and knickers

©Sweaty Cow is an associate member of The Unsavoury Bodily Fluids Publishing Corporation

Local ‘woo woo’ drowned in bath of own urine court told

woo

A coroner’s court was told yesterday, that a 35-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned in a bath filled with her own urine in January of this year.

Tracy Dell, unemployed, was believed to have been attempting to self-medicate by immersing herself in the urine which she had been storing in jam jars for the previous 6-months.

The court heard that Ms Dell was a committed anti-vaccination activist who was a firm believer in natural remedies and in the body’s power to heal itself through the application and consumption of human waste.

Her landlord, Carter Tobias, 57, told the court: “She was a fully paid-up woo woo in my opinion. I once caught her eating a sh*t sandwich and washing it down with a big glass of piss.

“When I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was trying to clear up a number of infected boils on her chest”

The coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure and abject fuckwittery.

If you think this piece is a tad far-fetched, simply follow a Facebook page with the rather ponderous but wholly descriptive title of, Detox, Anti-Vax and Woo Insanity. You will be both highly amused and utterly horrified in equal measure by the sheer, weapons-grade stupidity of the rather odd collection of individuals these guys shine the spotlight on. – Ed

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