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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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health

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

tissues

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“I pulled out my hankerchief and blew my nose pretty hard , at which point, my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a sustained bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

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Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Ladies. Put a stop to your husband’s constant self-abuse with the Mastur-Mate from the Whitechapel Bellend Foundry

Ladies. Are you sick of going without your womanly rights because your husband would rather sneak off to the bathroom to feed the ducks with a racy bongo mag tucked down the back of his trousers?

Then this ingenious little device is perfect for you.

One sharp rap across his lid while he’s wringing the bells will dampen his onanism almost immediately thereby increasing your chances of getting a half-decent scuttling at bedtime

Send just £3874.00 to The Whitechapel Bellend Foundry and we’ll despatch your Mastur-Mate at some vague point in the future

Testimonial:

mastur-mate housewife

download

Bill Gates will force vaccinated Queen to fellate Tom Hanks on live TV, says local anti-vaxxer

queen
A right royal blow? Her Majesty pictured at home last night.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman and prominent anti-vaccine advocate has told The Whelk that Microsoft billionaire, Bill Gates, will use a microchip contained in the vaccine that was administered to Her Majesty The Queen yesterday to compel her to give oral relief to movie icon, Tom Hanks, live on the BBC.

Karen Thrawl, an Uber driver from Vallance Road, told our reporter: “Now that the Queen’s had the vaccine she will be under the total control of Bill Gates due to the chip and the first thing he’ll do is make her give Tom Hanks a noshing on TV to discredit her before taking over the monarchy himself.

“He will then make Tom Hanks, The Duke of Edinburgh, and George Clooney will be crowned Prince of Wales.

“They will then all live together in Buckingham Palace, drinking orphan’s blood to keep them young-looking while the Queen and Prince Philip will be put into the lizard enclosure at London Zoo.”

A spokesman for the royal family discredited Mrs Thrawl’s assertions last night: “Her Majesty has not expressed any desire to give Mr Hanks a gamming on the BBC, nor any other television channel, at this time, although, this could be because the chip hasn’t been activated yet” he told us.

Mrs Thrawl’s prediction comes just two weeks after a 35-year-old anti-lockdown activist told The Sunday Times that covid-19 is a myth and that all the dead people are just actors who will eventually jump out of their graves and take over the world led by George Soros and 1960s pop princess, Lulu.

LOCKDOWN LATEST: Thousands of Londoners make desperate, last-minute journeys to wipe out their elderly relatives

adult affection baby child
An elderly couple in ebullient mood as their kids’ desperate dash to finish them off begins

Tens of thousands of desperate Londoners made a dash for railway and coach stations on Saturday night as the government’s imposition of strict travel curbs threatened to dash their hopes of killing their elderly relatives over the Christmas period.

While many of the central London travel hubs, such as Victoria Coach Station and St Pancras railway terminal, were overwhelmed by huge crowds – desperately trying to wipe out their parents and grandparents before the midnight deadline for the Tier 4 regulations came into being – large numbers also created huge motorway tailbacks as the race to finish off elderly loved ones reached a fever pitch.

We spoke to one would-be traveller, Toby Dell, 54, from Thrawl Street in Whitechapel, who was on his way by train to kill his 72-year-old widowed mother in Hertfordshire: “The news of travel restrictions came as a hammer blow, to be honest.

“I could see my opportunity of settling my mum’s hash once and for all slipping away and knew that I would have to do everything humanly possible to finally finish her off.

“I’m hoping to get the train to Welwyn Garden City and then walk the rest of the way so that I can spend the entire Christmas period putting her at grave risk before coming back for the New Year to hopefully wipe out my in-laws who are also knocking on a bit.

“I can’t wait to see them all fighting for breath on ventilators, to be honest”

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, called the exodus ‘irresponsible’ and called for people to ‘show common sense’.

“If people just exercise some restraint over the festive period, I’m wholly confident that this government will finish most of the old folks off via welfare cuts and a crippling period of renewed austerity anyway”

On a serious note, anybody who puts the vulnerable at risk by refusing to wear a mask or by assembling in large gatherings etc should be dragged out into the street and flogged to the bone. In our humble opinion of course – Ed

Bill Gates now has full control of vax woman, says Amanda Holden

cheerful senior mother and adult daughter using smartphone together
Holden (right) explains to a Sunday Times journalist how Bill Gates’ latest software update has rendered her sexually insane

Britain’s Got Talent judge and confirmed covid conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, last night told newsmen that Britain’s first recipient of the Phizer covid-19 vaccine, 92-year-old, Margaret Keenan, is now completely under the control of Microsoft mogul, Bill Gates, due to a genetic chip implanted in the vaccine

Holden, 75, explained: “Gates now has full control of Mrs Keenan just as he will have control over anyone who takes this vaccine.

“I saw that poor lady’s eyes glaze over as soon as the nurse gave her the shot. She then attempted to pull her sleeve down, probably to conceal the fact that the skin close to the site was bubbling a bit as the genes started to take effect, proof positive that mind control had begun.

“I also noticed she had trouble getting out of her chair and had to be helped to walk out of the room by a nurse, a clear indication that Gates was controlling her leg moments.

“I expect he uses a remote control with a joystick from his front room or something like that.

“He’ll be offering her kidnapped baby blood to drink soon, probably by the weekend, to keep her in good shape and young-looking.

“He already does if for Tom Hanks and George Clooney.

“I’m almost tempted myself in actual fact but I think I’ll stick to the Botox shots. I mean you know where you are with those don’t you?”

Mrs Keenan responded last night in a brief statement to Reuters news agency. She denied being under Gates’ control and referred to Holden as ‘a fucking idiot’

BREAKING: Whitechapel to be first to get covid vaccine, says WHO

cov

In what some are seeing as a surprise move, the World Health Organisation has announced that the people of the London Borough of Whitechapel will be the first to be offered the ground-breaking covid-19 vaccine once final safeguard checks have been carried out.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, WHO Director-General, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, said: “After due deliberations, we have decided to offer Whitechapel the vaccine first.

‘Initially, we were favouring a widespread roll-out in parts of the underdeveloped world suffering from severe outbreaks, but we changed our minds at the last minute. So Whitechapel it is”

It is understood that the London Borough of Bermondsey in South London was also at the forefront of areas under consideration, due to the fact that in the event of any adverse reaction which resulted in people becoming hideously misshapen or deformed nobody would notice any difference.

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