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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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ADVERTISING FEATURE

testicle mirrors

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COVID UPDATE: ‘Desperate’ World Health Boffins Turn to Know-Nothing WordPress Ponce

tinfoil twat

The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a WordPress blog who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the capability to pick up Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: “We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

“With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from WordPress.

“Hopefully, he’ll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that probably involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G transmitters and mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe.”

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other’s bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody’s Aunty Beryl on Facebook.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Vaccine sceptics. Take the vaccine, behave in a sensible and responsible manner towards others and shut the fuck up.

COVID UPDATE: Yorkshire variant causes spate of overfamiliarity with strangers and thrift with money

yorkshire
A suspected Yorkshire covid victim pictured leaving his doctor’s surgery last night

The so-called, Yorkshire variant of covid-19 that has recently emerged in Yorkshire and Humberside, with around 50 cases thus far identified, may have spread to the south of the country, in particular East London, where a number of people have been behaving in an overly familiar manner with complete strangers as well as becoming extremely careful with money – all tell-tale traits of the new variant.

We spoke to one woman from Whitechapel in the heart of London’s East End who suspects that her husband contracted the new strain during a visit to Sheffield in his capacity as a lorry driver.

Tracy Dell, 52, told us: “I first suspected my husband, Toby, has this Yorkshire covid when he started chatting in a friendly manner with complete strangers while we were waiting for the bus.

“He’s now started being really tight with money and keeps shouting, ‘How much?’ when I tell him the price of items I’ve bought in the supermarket.

“I became convinced he’d got it when he started taking an interest in Rugby League and went out and bought a ferret which he puts down his trousers when we’ve got company”

It is understood that another behavioural trait of the new variant is for sufferers to wander into urban farms to feed the animals and examine them for ailments. A practice known as, ‘tendin’ t’ beasts’

Fears are also growing of a so-called Cockney variant which induces criminal behaviour, including; running protection rackets; revenge killing; used car fraud; loud-mouthed shouting in street markets and a voracious appetite for jellied eels.

Ask Tinfoil Twat: The Wild-Eyed Conspiracy Whackjob You Can Trust

tinfoil twat

Dear Tinfoil Twat

My wife and I have been offered our first covid jab, and while we’re mindful of the benefits for ourselves and others, we’re still slightly concerned by some of these vaccine scare stories we’ve been seeing on Facebook.

Any advice or reassurance you can give will be most welcome,

Thank you and stay safe

Tracy Dell
12 Thrawl Street
Spitalfields E1


Dear Tracy

You have every right to be concerned by what the Israeli-controlled Illuminati are trying to do to your body and mind.

Tom Hanks, Jeff Bezos and Phil Mitchell out of Eastenders are hellbent on taking control of your mind via this pork-enriched vaccine and I’d give it a complete miss if I were you.

Only yesterday, a woman on my Facebook friends list complained of sores on the soles of her feet following a long hike in the country.

She was putting it down to ill-fitting boots, but it was immediately obvious to me that Bill Gates was using the vaccine microchip to inflict pain on the woman prior to making her his hapless mind and body slave.

Thankfully, President Donald Trump is using all his presidential power to combat Gates’ fiendish plans and to free the two million kids that the billionaire paedo has entombed in disused sewer pipes beneath London.

Only yesterday, a bloke on Facebook wrote on his status that covid-19 is a hoax and all the dead people are just tailor’s dummies that have been made in a special factory in George Clooney’s basement before being put in hospital beds by his Jewish banker friends. I mean, if that’s not proof positive that the whole thing is a charade I don’t know what is.

So don’t touch this mind-altering vaccine with a bargepole Tracy.

If you get sick with a dry cough or begin to struggle to breathe, take some Vitamin D and swallow a few homoeopathic acorn pills, or, even better, log onto Facebook and see what the latest advice is from Amanda Holden or David Icke, who, respectively revealed to the world that covid rays come out of lampposts and that The Queen is a shape-shifting lizard.

Stay safe and STAY WOKE!

T. Twat
Rubber Room 9
Rampton Hospital For The Criminally Insane
Luton

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re a vaccine sceptic, leave your name and address in the comments section and we’ll send someone round to batter you from arseole to Saturday until you see the error of your ways

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

tissues

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“I pulled out my hankerchief and blew my nose pretty hard , at which point, my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a sustained bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

lego-spare-parts-brick-2x4-red (1)

Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Ladies. Put a stop to your husband’s constant self-abuse with the Mastur-Mate from the Whitechapel Bellend Foundry

Ladies. Are you sick of going without your womanly rights because your husband would rather sneak off to the bathroom to feed the ducks with a racy bongo mag tucked down the back of his trousers?

Then this ingenious little device is perfect for you.

One sharp rap across his lid while he’s wringing the bells will dampen his onanism almost immediately thereby increasing your chances of getting a half-decent scuttling at bedtime

Send just £3874.00 to The Whitechapel Bellend Foundry and we’ll despatch your Mastur-Mate at some vague point in the future

Testimonial:

mastur-mate housewife

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