The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

mike and shirley
Steeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook dinner in case she puts poison in the yams or flobs in the curry goat with rice and peas.

“Prior to reading that piece in the paper, I’d had no inkling that she was a bloody foreigner, much less, a damn wog.

“Now, I’m taking steps to have her joint tenancy agreement revoked so I can throw her out.

“Let her go and live in Brixton or Hoxton with her own kind”

Ms Blamey refused to be interviewed but we understand that she has starting daubing racist graffiti on Steeden’s car and has told friends that she had suspected something was not quite right when she noticed he was fairly good at basketball and dancing.

A notice has now gone up in the window of the boarding house they run in Southend in Essex: ‘NO DOGS, NO IRISH, NO BLACKS, NO US.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike and Shirley are both dear friends of mine and I’m absolutely certain they won’t take exception to being portrayed as facist lunatics. In fact…BLAM!…*thud*

Local anti-vax couple vow to ‘thoroughly enjoy’ staycation

anti vax holiday
Ted and Marjory pose happily on a rocky outcrop at their proposed holiday destination

A middle-aged couple who have refused the covid-19 jab due to the strongly-held belief that Bill Gates would immediately switch them off so that Tom Hanks could drink their blood, have told The Whelk that they will thoroughly enjoy being restricted to holidaying in their back garden when the foreign travel restrictions are lifted later this month.

Ted and Marjory Icke, both unemployed, told us: “We normally have a couple of weeks in Benidorm, but, due to the proposed vaccine passport requirement, we’ve decided to holiday in the back garden this year.

“We’re thoroughly looking forward to it and it will give us a chance to clear out the shed.

“At the end of the day, it’s a lot better than being taken over by Bill Gates before being sucked dry by Tom Hanks so that he can stay young-looking”

It is estimated that several thousand staunch anti-vaxxers will have a damoscene change of heart this year when they realise that not having the covid jab will deprive them of the opportunity of shaming the nation by urinating and vomiting in the streets of a Spanish hellhole on the Costa Brava.

My hatred for dithering old lady in post office exceeded that of Achilles towards Hector, says local man



A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the naked and unfettered hatred he felt towards an elderly lady who kept him waiting in line at the post office exceeded the burning loathing that the Ancient Greek hero, Achilles, felt towards Hector, after the Trojan hero had slain Achilles’ beloved cousin, Patrocles.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Commercial Street, told us: “I had been in that queue for half an hour at least and had just got to the front, apart from this old lady who started dithering at the counter.

“She seemed to have forgotten what she came in for and was quizzing the woman at the counter as to what it could be.

“I felt this towering rage building inside of me along with the realisation that I wanted this old biddy dead and fast.

“I knew it was wrong but at that point my murderous rage was far in excess of that felt by mighty Achilles towards Hector after finding out that the Trojan warrior had slain Patrocles in battle and stolen his armour.

“Make no mistake, if I’d had a sword and chariot handy, I would cheerfully have hacked the old trout to death and then tethered her naked body to the back axle with a length of rawhide and dragged her around the Whitechapel boundary to express my hatred for her and to disrespect her corpse before her loved ones”

In 1987, a 45-year-old woman from Spitalfields, ensnared an elderly local man in a net as he sat in the tub and then stabbed him multiple times, in a grim reconstruction of the slaying of Agamemnon by his unfaithful wife, Clytemnestra, when the frail pensioner kept her waiting in the supermarket queue after insisting on paying at the checkout with money-off coupons


st george meme

The quintessentially English editorial staff writers on The Whelk would like to wish all our fellow countrymen who share our French, German, and Italian bloodline with a little bit of Danish thrown in for good measure, a very Happy St Georges Day.

Huzzah for him and for our pure and unsullied lineage…HUZZAH! -Ed

PS. Anthropologists have discovered that everybody originally came from Africa which must have come as a bitter blow to Donald Trump and Jacob Rees Mogg

SPORT: We’ll form ‘The Big 1’ and rule the soccer world, vows West Ham United supremo

superman west ham meme

Following the ignominious collapse of the controversial, European Super League last night, with all of the so-called, ‘Big Six’ English clubs announcing their withdrawal, East London club, West Ham United have announced that they will break away from the English Premier League at the end of this season and form an East London Super League with just themselves in it.

Hammers CEO Karen Brady, told newsmen: “We’re fed up with all the travelling and the uncertainty of results, to be honest.

“I mean, we went all the way to Newcastle the other day, lost the game and then had to come all the way back again.

After we’ve formed the ELSL, nonsense like having to play other clubs will be a thing of the past.

“When we become, The Big 1, the club will save an absolute fortune in travelling expenses, kit washing, and mowing the grass on our pitch.

“Further big savings will be made on exorbitant transfer fees as we’ll just hang on to the squad we have now until they die.

“Every season, we’ll crown ourselves league champions, without playing a single match, until we go down in history as the most successful club of all time. It’s a win-win situation, to be honest”

Fans of the high-flying Hammers are less convinced of the wisdom of the move, however.

One lifelong supporter, Toby Dell, 45, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s not a bad idea in principle I suppose but I’ll miss the pre-match booze-up, the half-time pies and the punch-ups with rival supporters afterwards.

“I suppose I could go home and have a straightener in the road with my old woman but she’s a big old sort and nearly always comes out on top”

More as we get it.

Government presses for royal belt-tightening as Queen blows £13.50 in public house


A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending after it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Edward, spent £13.75 last Sunday night in a local pub close to Windsor Castle where The Queen and the royal family are spending a few days following the funeral of The Duke of Edinburgh.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising the use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they describe as, “a frivolous jaunt”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out £13.50 on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, while Edward spent almost £30 on pints of snakebite

Her Majesty then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her youngest son, costing 50p a frame.

The Committee’s statement also made the claim that Edward had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace told reporters last night:

“Yes it’s correct that Her Majesty and Prince Edward went out for a quiet drink down their local last Sunday to take her mind off Prince Philip’s funeral, and that a small sum was spent on drink and a couple of pub games

“However, what the people of this country should also know is that the prince had earlier won £40 on the horses for an outlay of just £10 on a 4/1 shot at Kempton Park and that it was this money that was used to fund the night out and not monies from the public purse”

He then left without taking questions as journalists pressed him on alleged claims that Edward had also spent £2.00 on a packet of strawberry flavoured condoms in the gents toilets and that they’d both had a large doner kebab with salad and chilli sauce in the cab on the way home costing a whopping £8.90

I’ll sacrifice a Sumatran gibbon to honour the life of Prince Philip. vows Meghan

Prince Philip and Meghan pictured in happier times before he checked out

Meghan Markle last night told reporters that she intends to sacrifice a live Sumatran gibbon on an alter in her back garden to commemorate the life of The Duke of Edinburgh, whose funeral takes place inside the grounds of Windsor Castle this afternoon.

The Duchess of Sussex, who is unable to attend in person due to her pregnancy, said: “Prince Philip was always pretty nice to me in actual fact.

“I expected him to give me a hard time over the fact that I’m mixed race but he never mentioned it once, although he did make a few jokes about fried chicken and neighbourhood gang membership.

“A friend of mine with a private zoo is supplying the gibbon and I hope to sacrifice it at the same moment that the Call To Arms is being sounded in the chapel at Windsor while he lies there in his coffin.”

The move has met with some criticism, however, with The Times of London calling it, ‘ill-advised’, while the Daily Mail, a long-term critic of The Duchess, called it, ‘A disgusting and  desperate bid to steal the limelight while at the same time increasing the plight of a critically endangered species”

In 2002, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallace Simpson, came under fire for slitting the throat of a Bahamian virgin on the steps of Westminster Abbey during the funeral service of Princess Margaret.

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“I pulled out my hankerchief and blew my nose pretty hard , at which point, my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a sustained bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell


London E1


Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

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