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Prince Andrew denies all knowledge of the existence of Trump

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Prince Andrew (right) meeting somebody who isn’t Donald Trump. Picture courtesy of the Buckingham Palace archive for awkward situations

Following President Donald Trump’s denial of knowing Prince Andrew yesterday, the Prince himself last night moved swiftly to scotch rumours that he had ever met Trump, or that he even exists.

Speaking to the BBC’s, Andrew Marr in a hastily-arranged interview, the beleaguered royal claimed never to have met Trump in any capacity, either official or social.

He then went on to say that he has never even heard of Trump and that he assumed Barack Obama was still in the White House.

“I have never seen this gentleman before, let alone, had any form of association or meetings with him,” he told Marr

Following some strong questioning from Marr, during which the BBC man produced a series of photographs showing the two men together on a number of occasions, the Prince seemed to alter his position markedly: “Look, I meet an awful lot of people in an awful lot of places. I can’t possibly be expected to remember everybody.

“In any case, it seems pretty clear that these photographs have been doctored in some way. Especially the ones showing us both being intimately massaged by Jeffrey Epstein and some naked teen girls”

The under-fire Prince received another body blow yesterday when a Thai brothel in Whitechapel in East London removed their ‘By Royal Appointment’ logo from their headed notepaper.

Brexit Party member returns to primaeval soup

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Happier times. Mr Carter smiles for the camera at a family party last month

A 56-year-old man who was one of the founder members of the staunch, anti-European Union, Brexit Party, has regressed down the evolutionary scale and has now returned to the primaeval soup where life on earth first began 4 billion years ago

Terence Carter, unemployed, from Whitechapel in East London, began to show signs of morphing into a shapeless life form just a few weeks after joining the party, led by leading Brexit cheerleader, Nigel Farage, last July.

His wife, Melissa, 52, told a Whelk reporter: “Shortly after getting his Brexit Party literature and enamel badge through the post, I began to notice changes in Terry.

“At first, he began speaking a lot more slowly than usual, then, after a few days, he lost the power of speech altogether and began communicating with a series of grunts and hand signals.

“It was around this time that I noticed a huge increase in his body hair and his forehead began to stick out a lot more than it used to.

“One day, I came home from work and he was unable to walk upright and was crawling around in the kitchen on all fours.

“He took to staying out in the garden a lot, swinging on the hanging tyre that we’d made for the dog.

“It all ended when I came back from shopping and spotted him floating on the top of the pond.

“At first, I thought he was a bit of frog spawn, but when I hooked him out and looked through my magnifying glass, I could see it was him by his beady little eyes and a fragment of his cloth cap.

“I’m not that sorry he’s returned to the primordial soup where life first began, to be honest. He’d changed a lot since he joined that Brexit lot.

“He was quite a nice man when I first met him, but all he’s done over the last few months is sit in front of the TV, slagging off Michel Barnier, and, when he wasn’t doing that, he was stamping around the house, praising Donald Trump and having a go at the blacks”

This incident comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney gradually morphed into a gibbon after attending a series of meetings of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

Pie & Eel Records Present:

prince andrew sings

“An extremely shifty triumph – Melody Maker

“A masterpiece of entitled lying and waffling” – NME

“Uneasy listening” – Mother & Baby Monthly

“Who the f**k is he trying to kid? – The Archbishop of Canterbury

“A little pizza musical heaven” – Pun World

Available in a seedy, mucky book shop near you and also on the dark web.

Local jihadist expresses annoyance as Londoners enjoy quiet drink following London Bridge outrage

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Infidel jackals pictured defying the will of Allah last night

A 23-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London with a conviction for terrorism, rang the Whitechapel Whelk office last night to express his annoyance that Londoners seemed to be enjoying their customary Friday evening drink in the bars around London Bridge just hours after a terrorist incident left two people dead, three injured, and saw the terrorist subsequently shot dead on the bridge by armed officers from The City of London Police.

Tobias al-Delhaam, who was released from prison last July after serving three years for involvement in a terrorist plot, told us: “I walked down to London Bridge last night to pay my respects to my slain brother and was astonished to see all the bars full of people, drinking and chatting as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

“Do they not fear us? Why don’t they tremble before our might and fear for their worthless, infidel lives?

“It was the same after the punishment we inflicted on them at Borough Market and Westminster Bridge.

“These dogs seem impervious to our jihad and to the will of Allah”

We then put the man on hold, locked up the office and went to the pub across the road for a few pints and a game of darts.

Yes, and I won! – Ed.

Britain’s roads no longer safe for lesbians says Sir Cliff Richard

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Sensible footwear as favoured by some members of the lesbian community pictured getting a bit of spit and polish

Pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard last night slammed Britain’s Department of Transport for failing to deal adequately with what he sees as the crisis on Britains roads with regard to lesbians

Speaking at a rally attended by thousands of elderly fans, the Peter Pan of Pop, said: “Every year in Britain, thousands of people are run over and it stands to reason that quite a few are lesbians

“Until this inequality and bigotry towards the lesbian minority is stamped out we can no longer call ourselves a functioning democracy

“I’m calling upon the Transport Secretary to ensure that our lezzas are given adequate protection from road traffic accidents.

“Perhaps they could be given extra tuition on road safety and be issued with hi-viz Doctor Martens and dungarees or something along those lines.”

Sir Cliff’s call comes just a week after Scary Spice out of the Spice Girls called for a public enquiry into the number of Do-It-Yourself fatalities among the country’s arse bandit community.

Disclaimer: We at The Whelk don’t give a hoot about people’s sexual preferences unless it’s for minors. We are an equal opportunities publication that delights in ripping the absolute living piss out of everyone – Ed

Local man’s Christian values on the ebb following post-Mass, toe-stubbing incident

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Ganesh. Would He have allowed the toe-stubbing? The jury is out

A Whitechapel man began to question his faith in God last Sunday after stubbing his toe on an uneven paving slab just a few minutes after attending a sung Latin Mass at Westminster Cathedral.

Toby Dell, a die-setter from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I’d only left the cathedral a few minutes previously when I stubbed my toe on the slab.

“I immediately began to question my faith in God and wondered if I would have been better off staying indoors or going down the pub.

“Admittedly, I’d slipped out before the Eucharist to avoid the collection ladies, so maybe God was punishing me for not being in a state of grace when I left.

“It did make me challenge the whole concept of Christianity mind you.

“However, I did say three Ave Marias in Latin on the way home in case God made me accidentally fall down a manhole.”

In a related incident last week, a 45-year-old Muslim man from Bethnal Green stopped believing in Allah just an hour after leaving a local mosque when he slipped on a wet dog turd in Roman Road, squashing it with his hand as he fell.

Whitechapel Plumbing Ltd: For All Your Plumbing & Sexual Needs

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As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues. Only last week I received the following email from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether and needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Whitechapel Plumbing

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water which was falling onto the flat roof of the porch and making a hell of a racket. I ran inside to fetch my husband but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders, and a pair of thigh-length rubber fisherman’s waders.

He was also wearing an old gasmask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

It was then that I noticed he had a noose fastened around his neck which he’d lashed to a roof beam and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and cries of pleasure that he was abusing himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately, he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since this terrible day, I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti-depressants which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low.

Things have now reached a point where I can’t look at him without retching violently and I have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life so that I may find some kind of respite from this living hell.

Please, please help me if you can, Whitechapel Plumbing. I just don’t know who else I can turn to.

Tracy Dell

Vallance Road

London E1

********************

Dear Tracy

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble-free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / I’m Too Tiny For Love

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross-Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By His Demands

Local woman’s glee at best friend’s dress choice error knows no bounds

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God no! A woman pictured about to commit an egregious fashion faux pas last night

A 23-year-old woman was unable to contain her glee last night after her best friend arrived at a party in a particularly unflattering dress that made her look like, ‘a sack tied up in the middle’, according to the woman’s description of her friend since childhood.

Tracy Dell, a hairstylist from Dock Street in Whitechapel, took a number of photographs of her friend, Melissa Carter, wearing the dress and then opened several fake social media accounts, posting the photos on all of them accompanied by cruel jibes and damning criticism of the woman’s dress sense and figure.

A mutual friend of the two women told a Whelk reporter: “Tracy really went to town on her. It was pretty heartless and unnecessary, even though Melissa did look like shit on a stick in that dress. Some girls could get away with wearing that sort of thing I suppose but not with an arse the size of hers.”

It is estimated, that during the Xmas party season, over 5 million British women will have the piss ripped out of them due to their choice of evening wear by other females who they assumed were their ‘besties’.

Local man angers fellow commuters with ‘disgusting act’

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A 32-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London came under fire from fellow commuters yesterday morning when he began waxing his toes on the platform of Stepney Green tube station.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street was harangued and jostled by fellow travellers after he removed his shoes and socks and began applying wax strips to his toes.

One perplexed female commuter told The Whelk: “Couldn’t this man have done this at home before he left. It’s disgusting.

“I realise that we all need to wax our toes from time to time, I myself do it weekly, but I usually do it on Sunday evenings after a hot bath which softens the hairs and opens the pores, making removal easier and relatively pain-free”

Mr Dell explained: “I’d bought the waxing strips on my way to work and I was intending to use them that night but I couldn’t wait.

“I have to say, there was some discomfort and a bit of post-waxing redness, but on the whole, I was pleased with the product and would certainly buy it again”

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a woman was pushed onto the tracks at Camden High Street station after she was spotted plucking stray hairs from her bikini line while waiting for the 7.32 Northern Line train to London Bridge

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