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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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humour

Boris Hits Back Furiously Following ‘BlowJo’ Scandal

blojo

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has attempted to deflect from his role in the steamy scenario described in yesterday’s Private Eye magazine in which an MP, believed to be Gavin Williamson, walked into Johnson’s office when he was Foreign Secretary, to find him being given noisy oral relief by his current wife Carrie Johnson, then plain Carrie Symonds.

Johnson, however, was still married to his second wife, Marina, at the time the alleged incident took place.

Shortly after the incident,  now being given the social media hashtag, #blojo, Symonds was given a job by Johnson with a salary of £100,000 per annum. The inference being made by ‘The Eye’ is that she was appointed to the position for ‘services rendered’

However, in typical forthright, rumbustious style, Johnson sought to explain away the accusation, telling newsmen: ‘No story happened. It wasn’t my cock. I’m sorry, it was my cock. I’m not sorry it was my cock. It was a work blow. Let’s wait for Sue Grey. Let’s wait for the Met Police. Let’s wait for the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Let’s move on. The people’s priority is to move on. I’m getting on the job’

Gavin Williamson was approached for comment but his office said that he’s currently unavailable while he continues to recover from the long-term effects of an eye-bleaching episode following the event.

SNP Uproar as Scottish Trawlerman Tells of Steamy Romp With English Scallop

mikey scallop

An unrepentant Boyle issues a defiant message to SNP leaders last night

The entire leadership of the Scottish Nationalist Party expressed their disgust and dismay last night after a Scottish trawlerman told a local newspaper that he’d enjoyed a tawdry sex romp with a scallop that he’d caught earlier in the English Channel.

Michael ‘Buckie Boay’ Boyle, 76, told The Tobermory Bugle: ‘As soon as I spotted that scallop in the net I knew that I had to make her mine.

‘I took her down to the ship’s galley where we shared a bottle of cold Buckfast, fortified with a wee drop of paraffin from the stove.

‘It was shortly afterwards as we relaxed on my bunk that I put my hand on top of her shell and began fondling it gently

‘What happened next was pure electricity.

‘Before I knew it, we were romping together in front of a roaring coal stove.

‘It seemed like the most natural thing in the world and was so different from my usual Saturday night pumping of the wee lassies on the stairhead of my single-end tenement in Maryhill.

‘Yes I know she’s English and will probably support them in the World Cup, but nothing will mar our love and stop us from being together. Not even if England win the final on penalties.’

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon, slammed Boyle’s antics in a fiery address in the Scottish Parliament last night.

‘This is the worst news possible coming in the immediate wake of our announcement of a new independence referendum in October 2023.

‘Why this man couldn’t have found a Scottish bivalve mollusc to sleep with is beyond me.

‘If I had my way I would banish him from Scotland and make him set up home elsewhere with his English marine floozy.’

In 1987, a Scottish deep-sea diver was chased by an angry mob in Glasgow and beaten to death after footage emerged of him being pleasured by an English octopus on the sea bed just off the coast of Worthing in West Sussex.

Local man experienced ‘Romeoesque; disappointment at lack of key on tuna can

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Tuna with a handy ring pull pictured last night

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the sense of grief he felt when he found that the tin of tuna he had taken from the cupboard had no ring pull and would have to be manually opened was on a par with the desolation felt by Shakespeare’s star-crossed lover, Romeo, when he wrongly thought that his beloved Juliet was dead.

Toby Dell, a diesel fitter from Leman Street told us: ‘When I realised that the tin had no labour-saving ring pull my grief almost overwhelmed me.

‘At that moment I realised how Romeo must have felt when he mistakenly thought Juliet had checked out.

‘In fact, my sense of upset was even worse than his because I don’t have a can opener and had try to open it with a cold chisel.

‘In the end, I gave up and had cheese and crackers’

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Bow told newsmen that the rage she felt after discovering that her packet of custard creams biscuits had no easy-tear tag on the packet was on a par with King Lear’s after finding out that his daughters were plotting his death.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 23-year-old single mum of two who has two part-time jobs to try keep our heads above water.
This latest rise in the cost of living has hit me really hard as you can imagine so I was devasted when my landlord demanded an extra two hundred pounds a month rent.
I begged and pleaded but he wouldn’t listen and told me that I must pay or get out.
Please help if you can Danny as I’m sick with worry and scared of being made homeless.

Jade Dell
Whitechapel
London E1

*************************

Dear Jade

I went round to see your landlord last night and straightened him with a right-hander as soon as he opened the door.
I then went in with the boot to his kidneys before stamping on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
I then dragged the mug to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose and blacking both his eyes.
His old woman then came to the door, begging me to leave it out but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.
I then gave him a few big bombs to the body before letting him slide down the wall.
He has now signed an agreement allowing you to live there rent-free while he foots the bill for your food, gas and electric.
I hope this helps sweetheart.
All the best my lovely and don’t hesitate to bell me if this slag doesn’t do as he’s told

Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is vice-president of the Ruptured Spleen Advisory Council

Local woman fails to grasp that noisy wind-breaking episode during sex with man of dreams will blight her life until death

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A copyright-free picture mentioning farting that we found online last night

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman who explosively broke wind while having sex with a man she saw as male perfection has thus far failed to understand that the incident will haunt her on and off for the rest of her life and could even be instrumental in severely damaging her mental health and future relationships with the opposite sex.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Leman Street, was enjoying a vigorous romp with the man when she inadvertently broke wind, initially emitting a short series of minor ‘squeakers’ before letting fly with an earsplitting ‘crowd pleaser’ that actually resulted in the man fleeing the bedroom in a mixture of revulsion and terror.

An eminent sexual behaviourist told The Whelk: ‘I’m afraid this incident will come back to haunt this woman for the remainder of her life.

‘Her future relationships with men will be badly affected, to the extent that she may never feel able to enjoy intercourse ever again, much less reach a noisy, uninhibited climax.

‘The fear of another flatulent outburst will blight her entire life and may even be the last thing she recalls on her death bed, that’s if she doesn’t kill herself at some point as the dreadful memory of this inopportune, bottom-based outrage gnaws at her sanity and drains her will to live’

Last year, scientists estimated that, in an average week, over thirty million women worldwide will break wind during intercourse.

That’s enough gas to inflate the Donald Trump blimp that was flown over London in 2019 at least thirty times.

Queen to be fired into space to commemorate jubilee

queen
Right royal rocketeer. The Queen pictured in a zero-gravity training chamber last night

It has been announced that Her Majesty The Queen will be fired into outer space onboard a specially-designed jubilee rocket at midday on Sat June 3rd to commemorate her 70th year on the throne.

The spaceship, designed and hand-painted with a Union Flag by entrepreneur, Richard Branson, will send The Queen into orbit around the world for seven days, from where she will give her trademark back-handed wave out of a porthole to her Commonwealth subjects as well as her loyal fans in England.

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace told newsmen: ‘Her Majesty was a little reticent at first due to her age and was concerned about the lack of gravity affecting the tablets that she takes for her blood pressure and back trouble but she soon became enthused with the prospect and is looking forward to blasting off from outside Boots in Tottenham Court Road on Saturday.’

It is understood that Her Majesty will be allowed to take a bottle of gin and a packet of her favourite garibaldi biscuits on the flight but has been advised not to drink too much in case she shits her spacesuit before she can connect up the effluent tube to the chemical toilet.

‘I’ll eat my own body weight in jellied eels to mark Platinum Jubilee’, vows fired-up Fergie

fergie
Fergie pictured posing for our snapper outside The Whelk offices in Whitechapel Road last night

Ex-royal, Sarah Ferguson, last night told The Whitechapel Whelk that she will consume her own body weight in jellied eels and mash to commemorate The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee next Saturday.

Despite being ostracised by The Royal Family after her divorce from Prince Andrew, Fergie has always remained staunchly loyal to Her Majesty and the monarchy in general.

‘Despite everything, I love The Queen’ she told us yesterday.

‘She may not talk to me these days but she’s still number one in my book and the least I can do to honour her seventy years on the throne is to wolf down my entire bodyweight in eels and mash.

‘I’ll make a start bright and early next Saturday at Kelly’s Eel and Pie Shop in Roman Road and won’t stop until the governor tells me I’ve tucked away the requisite amount.

‘I’ve worked out that if I start when they open at lunchtime I should finish about 4.00 pm, taking into account any visits to the ladies for a shit’

A spokesman for Kelly’s told us last night: ‘If she’s going to eat her own weight in eels I’ll make sure our suppliers send in an extra lorry load as she was always a big old sort even when she was with Andy, so gawd alone knows what she weighs nowadays’

In 2019, Fergie marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day by eating twenty-seven ‘Yumbo Jumbo’ stuffed crust pizzas at Papa John’s in London Bridge Road, washing each one down with a one-litre bottle of R. White’s Cream Soda.

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Honky Tonk Women – The Rolling Stones

honky tonk woman

More lyrics for brainiacs in just a few moments…

Local Couple Enjoyed Sizzling Romp While Download Wizard Watched

firefox

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told us: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on my French maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away while we were at it hammer and tongs was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrillingly erotic experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we have to say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

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