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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Black Friday flat-screen TV buyer killed by single sword thrust

black friday brawl
Shoppers jostle for position at the Poundland Black Friday sale in Cripplegate

A 54-year-old Black Friday bargain hunter was killed by a fellow shopper in Curry’s electrical goods store in Oxford Street, central London yesterday after a confrontation over a 43-inch flat-screen TV set.

Vic Digence, from Mare Street in Hackney, was killed by a single sword thrust to the chest from a man who, according to witnesses, became incensed when he saw the victim making off with the heavily discounted item and heading to the checkout.

One female bystander, Tracy Carter, 32, from Stratford, East London, told us: “I heard voices being raised and turned to see this bloke stabbing another man with a sword.

‘He was well furious and was calling this poor bloke all the names under the sun.

‘I can only assume he had his eye on that telly and lost the plot when he saw this other bloke walking off with it.

‘He then pulled his sword out of the fella’s chest, picked up the telly and walked over to the checkout to pay.

‘I said to my friend that it was a bit over the top. I mean, we all like a bargain and I’ve had the odd up-and-a-downer myself over a cheap item but surely a punch in the face would have been more than enough’

The police have named the assailant as Toby Dell, 42, from Brushfield Street, Whitechapel, who was recently released from a secure unit where he had served 25-years for nailing a woman to a display unit following a dispute over some cut-price pillowcases at a Selfridges January sale in 1996.

ADVERTISING FEATURE

testicle mirrors

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Here’s just a few testimonials from delighted customers:

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“Bollocktastic” – Sir David Attenborough

“I use these wonderful little mirrors to shave my knackers every Saturday night before going out down the pub for a nice bit of cock” – Princess Ann

“I still haven’t been able to see anything”Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health

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Bank offers free butt plug to new cardholders

butt plug (2)

Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include a free butt plug for anyone registering for a card before March 1.

A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by offering an anal sex toy as a free gift, more people will be encouraged to become Barclaycard holders.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to new customers by giving them the opportunity to ram a rubber device up their bottom when there’s not much on TV, or even during slack periods at work”

This scheme mirrors a similar incentive offered by Barclay’s rivals, Santander, who last year gave away over a million, Black Mamba Bully Boy, clitoral stimulators to customers who signed up for a business account.

MARKETPLACE

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Reviews & Testimonials

‘I could hardly get out of bed until this device changed my life. Thanks Erect-O-Mate! – Lazarus

‘I’ve never been more erect in my life’ – Dame Judy Dench

‘Absolute rubbish! I sent mine back after one go with it’ – Quasimodo

‘I asked for a recount after mine arrived to make sure there was only one in the box. I paid three million bucks, only to find there were two’ – Thanks Whitechapel Mint for sending it so beautifully and preciously – Donald Trump

‘A boon after sixteen pints of heavy in the Scotland Yard canteen’ – PC Ted Stupor

‘I use mine to maintain a perfect posture while I’m drinking the orphan blood that Bill Gates sends me’ – Tom Hanks

Guarantee – If you’re not 100% satisfied with your Erect-O-Mate, just contact our Customer Relations Department and they’ll send round a couple of heavies to boot you from arseole to Saturday within seven days 

SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.

EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

 

ted threesome
Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.

 

Thanks very much

Half-price inflatable dolls to be given to transport sex pests during lockdown

blow up
A blow-up dolly from the olden days pictured last night

The government last night announced that men who molest women on the nation’s transport network are to be provided with inflatable sex dolls at half the normal retail price to counter the downturn in opportunities to grope women in crowded trains, buses, and tube carriages during the current emergency lockdown.

In a short statement to the House of Commons last night, Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps, said: “These are tough times for all of us. A time when we need to provide for all sections of society to ensure that disruption and upset is kept to an absolute minimum where possible.

“So with this in mind, the government has made the decision to provide Britain’s sex cases with synthetic substitutes for their unwanted advances in the shape of these blow-up dollies that they can then paw and maul at home during periods of self-isolation and lockdown.

“Only one doll will be issued to each beast, so any saddos who like to multi-molest females will have to order further additions to their latex victims collection independently through the usual channels of softcore grumble mags, adult TV stations, The Daily Star, etc”

The move met with a mixed reaction from MPs last night with one Labour MP calling it, ‘pandering to the lowest in society’, while a Tory backbencher widely welcomed the move and asked if there would be any further concessions made for the elderly

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

karte-1-28
Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

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