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EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

 

ted threesome
Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.

 

Thanks very much

Half-price inflatable dolls to be given to transport sex pests during lockdown

blow up
A blow-up dolly from the olden days pictured last night

The government last night announced that men who molest women on the nation’s transport network are to be provided with inflatable sex dolls at half the normal retail price to counter the downturn in opportunities to grope women in crowded trains, buses, and tube carriages during the current emergency lockdown.

In a short statement to the House of Commons last night, Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps, said: “These are tough times for all of us. A time when we need to provide for all sections of society to ensure that disruption and upset is kept to an absolute minimum where possible.

“So with this in mind, the government has made the decision to provide Britain’s sex cases with synthetic substitutes for their unwanted advances in the shape of these blow-up dollies that they can then paw and maul at home during periods of self-isolation and lockdown.

“Only one doll will be issued to each beast, so any saddos who like to multi-molest females will have to order further additions to their latex victims collection independently through the usual channels of softcore grumble mags, adult TV stations, The Daily Star, etc”

The move met with a mixed reaction from MPs last night with one Labour MP calling it, ‘pandering to the lowest in society’, while a Tory backbencher widely welcomed the move and asked if there would be any further concessions made for the elderly

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

karte-1-28
Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

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CRIME DESK: Local self-published author attacks regular published author with axe

bloody_axe_by_skeygeta
A bloody axe, similar to the type of thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 27-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to pay to get his work launched on Amazon.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“He seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, attacking published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

Self-Published Children’s Books Corner

Asshole bunny

A thoroughly charming and fun-filled book that will be popular with the little ones and Trump supporters alike – The New Stateman

My little altar boys loved it – Father Tobias O’Dell, Editor-in-Chief, Catholic Boys Monthly

I sat on Daddy’s knee and read it to him last night before tucking him up in bed. He really seemed to enjoy it. – Ivanka Trump

Not enough sex and nude birds in it – The Bishop of Lambeth

I couldn’t understand some of the long words – The Times Higher Educational Supplement

We haven’t been paid yet – Flatterem and Fleeceum, Self Publishers to the Stars

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MOTORING CLASSIFIEDS

fidel

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