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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

stalin

Dear Sir

I wish to express my disquiet at the recent High Court decision to find the actor, Johnny Depp, guilty of assaulting his wife.
I have just watched the film, Edward Scissorhands, in which Depp plays the lead, and it’s fairly obvious, that if the bloke HAD given his missus the odd backhander, he’d have chopped her head off.

Ben Cartwright
Ponderosa Trading Estate
White City

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Dear Sir

I have managed to alleviate the symptoms of claustrophobia by going into small spaces, such as lifts and cupboards, looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars

Gus Toad
Braintree
Tasmania

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Dear Sir

I have discovered, that if you staple together a number of those ads for sex phone lines that you find towards the back of men’s magazines you can make a handy little softcore grumble mag for a pet hamster or tortoise.

Melania Trump

Mexico

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Dear Sir

In his smash hit single, Dancin’ In The Dark, Bruce Springstein makes the claim that you can’t start a fire without a spark.
So how come the Germans managed to burn down my nan and grandad’s house during the war by dropping a bomb on it, killing them both instantly?
Come on Bruce, Do your research.

Archbishop of Canterbury
12 Shit Street
Bermondsey

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Dear Sir

They say that music soothes the savage beast, and yet my wife was yesterday torn to pieces and devoured by a lion while we were on safari in Africa, despite the fact that I was playing, Take Me Home Country Roads, on the mouth organ at the time

Ted Fuck
Grimsby

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Dear Sir

I’ve managed to convince my neighbours I’m a lorry driver by purchasing a 5-tonne low-loader which I use to pick up and murder hitchhikers

Theresa May
Dar Es Salaam

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Dear Sir

I’ve never understood the concept of Strictly Come Dancing
Instead of going to the time and expense of training celebrities to waltz and cha cha cha over the course of a number of weeks, why not just employ some pro dancers and we can watch them instead.
The money saved could be used to build new hospitals or something.

Boris Johnson
Unicorn Avenue
Titsfield

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: Surgeons battle to remove Bruce Willis’ oil-stained vest

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Willis pictured in pensive mood minutes before going under the knife

A team of highly-skilled surgeons were last night locked in a grim, life-or-death struggle to remove the oily vest of action movie stalwart, Bruce Willis.

Willis, 97, hasn’t taken the vest off since the first Die Hard epic hit our screens in 1958 and it is feared that the oil stains may have given him a potentially fatal case of dermatitis

He has previously told friends that he keeps it on in case he gets the call from a film producer to reprise the famous scene where he clings to the undercarriage of a hijacked airliner, despite the fact that his vest was being heavily spattered with oil from a stricken engine.

A hospital spokesman said last night: “Mr Willis is currently undergoing the surgery necessary to remove his oil-stained vest.

“However, due to the fact that the garment has become fused to his body over time this is proving problematical and the team may just to decide to let him snuff it on the operating table and go down the pub”

In 1957, wild west movie legend, John Wayne, almost died during an eighteen-hour long operation as a team of medics fought to surgically remove his ten-gallon cowboy hat.

Carols from Kings faces furious backlash over lack of lesbians

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The iconic Christmas carol service from Kings College Cambridge has been slammed for perceived bigotry after hundreds of viewers complained that there were no lesbian participants, either amongst the choir or the students reading excerpts from The Gospels.

A spokesman for the BBC, who screen the concert every Christmas Eve, explained: “We realise that we made an error by not including any lesbians in the service but it was wholly unintentional and we shall be making every effort to redress this next year. We might even throw in a few arse bandits as well, just to stress the point that we’ve got nothing against the gayers”

One irate viewer who wrote to the BBC was Toby Dell, 54, a diesel-fitter from Whitechapel in East London, who told a Whelk reporter: “I was absolutely furious that there were no lesbians present at the concert. I was bored to tears halfway through and could have really done with watching a spot of red hot, girl-on-girl clam noshing”

This latest furore comes just a week after the makers of Songs Of Praise were inundated with hundreds of viewer complaints about the lack of full-on, dwarf sex romps during a rendition of The Old Rugged Cross.

Song Lyrics For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: The Girl From Ipanema

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NEXT WEEK: A different one!

Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

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Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

A Merry Vegan Xmas With Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

stacy slaughterhouse

Season’s greetings everybody!

There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.

People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar.

The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the struggling creature finally succumbs to a repeated series of death-dealing blows really gets me in the festive mood.

Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes.

The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.

I then go to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey. I always give them strict instructions to text me as soon as it’s cooked so that I can get few more ales under my belt before setting off for home.

Finally, after a really good skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door to the pub and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.

When cooking the festive bird, some people like to use a meat thermometer to ensure that it’s cooked right through, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.

For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the kids to go down the local Paki shop on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines.

I like to serve this with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.

Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo on Christmas night

Then, all that remains is to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the raw meat buffet on Boxing Day.

So have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, kill and eat the bastard before it can get away”

A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and Happy New Year from me, Tracy, and from all the Slaughterhouse-Gore clan!

Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore is Chairperson of the Blood Lust and Raw Innards Society of Great Britain

Whitechapel kids to be forced to run around outside with new devices on Xmas morning

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Whitechapel children pictured queuing outside PC World last night

In a bid to resurrect the Christmas tradition of yesteryear, when hordes of excited youngsters would be seen in the streets, early on Christmas morning, excitedly riding gleaming new bicycles or operating battery-controlled cars etc, the London Borough of Tower Hamlets has ordered all children under the age of 13 to run around outside, configuring and then deploying their new electronic devices, whether it be a smartphone, a tablet or a small laptop.

A spokesman for the council told BBC London Tonight: “We all miss seeing the excited faces of kids trying out their new gifts on Christmas morning whether it be a new bike or a gleaming set of roller skates.

“Sadly, with the advent of electronic devices, this has become largely a thing of the past as youngsters these days unwrap their new phone or tablet and then disappear into their bedrooms for days on end, emerging from time to time to pick at their food before returning to their rooms once more.

“We have therefore decided to force any child in receipt of an electronic device to run around the streets, doing their texting, Facetiming, or gaming until they are called in for their Christmas dinner when all devices will be confiscated until they’ve wolfed down the last morsel of Christmas pudding with brandy butter or similar.”

We spoke to a number of youngsters in the Whitechapel area who expressed dismay at the ruling, including young Toby Dell III, aged ten, who told us: “This ruling is an absolute joke.

“For one thing, it will be really cold outside, and for another, the local gang members will steal our phones and use them to organise drug deals before throwing them into the Thames”

In other related news, the South London district of Bermondsey has called upon locals to recreate the much-loved, bygone Yuletide practice of violent brawling with knives and life-preservers between family members as the drink once again starts flowing after the post-Xmas dinner nap.

Britain will conquer and lay waste any country that takes our fish, says Foreign Office

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A Royal Navy man-o-war standing ready to join the invasion fleet last night

The government seemingly toughened their stance on protecting Britain’s fishing rights last night by announcing that any country encroaching into British waters will be invaded and their cities sacked and burned.

A Foreign Office spokesman told newsmen: “Post-Brexit, Britain will be a sovereign nation once more and free to police our borders and fishing waters as we see fit.

‘The government have decided to conquer any nation whose rogue fishing boats enter our waters, enslave the populace, sack and pillage the cities and make these dominions British colonies like we used to do in the old days.

‘The British Army, The Royal Navy, and the RAF are now in readiness and will launch an invasion the minute our fish appear to be at risk from foreigners.’

Governments around the world reacted strongly to the threat last night, with many calling the decision over-the-top and expansionist.

The United States were a little more guarded, however.

A White House press officer told reporters: “The president has been informed of this move by the British but has urged caution while he finds out what, ‘laying waste’ means’

Festive Ballads for Intellectuals #472

bing white xmas

Next Week: ‘Perambulating Myself To My Place of Abode In A Conveyance Propelled By An Internal Combustion Engine In Order To Celebrate The Supposed Anniversary Of The Christ’s Birth’ by Chris Rea.

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