Londoner had fatal stroke following Northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to him on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying due to the accent, but it was ‘reet’ this, and, ‘reet’ that.

“At one point he began talking about his pet whippet and how he keeps coal in the bath.

“It was shocking to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the image of that northerner’s overly-friendly face out of my head I don’t mind admitting”

Following the incident, the attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, collapsed and died from heart failure in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said, in what was described by witnesses as a cheery manner: “‘Ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are, for the most part, pleasant and friendly individuals, while Londoners are taciturn, rude and lacking in warmth. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

Adam Cartwright out of Bonanza found living in local pie shop.

According to a local Whitechapel man, Adam Cartwright, the eldest son of Ben Cartwright out of the popular 1960s TV western series, Bonanza, is now living above a pie and eel shop in Roman Road in Bow where he makes a living trapping eels in the Thames estuary at Gravesend.

Toby Dell, 45, from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I first spotted Adam out of Bonanza when I went in Kelly’s in Roman Road for a pie and mash a few weeks back.

“He came in the shop carrying a basket of live eels. It was definitely him, he was wearing a cowboy outfit and had that miserable look on his face that he used to have when he was on telly

“I asked him for his autograph, but he drew his six-gun and warned me that if I came any closer I was going to get a belly full of lead, so I just left him to it.”

This news comes just two-weeks after Trampus from The Virginian was spotted driving a number 24 bus in Camden High Street.

No feisty but exceedingly attractive saloon girls named Miss Kitty were harmed during the writing of this news item – Ed.

I’ll masturbate every UK man and woman that beats covid, vows Bake-Off’s Mary Berry

In a surprise announcement last night, Great British Bake-Off legend, Mary Berry, told newsmen, that in a bid to encourage covid-19 patients to recover in full, she will personally masturbate every British man and woman to completion if they beat the killer virus.

Speaking from outside her home in Surrey, Mary, 108, said: “If by offering a free hand shandy to people who have been laid low by this dreadful illness I am helping them on the road to recovery then it’s the least I can do.

“Although I might be past my prime in the hand relief arena, I’m still very strong in the wrists due to all the whisking and cake mixture-beating I do and feel more than able to ensure that every recovered patient blows his or her custard.

“In the event that I do get tired, I’ve invested in one of those Fleshlight artificial growler devices for the men and a Black Mamba Bully Boy Ribbed Arouser for the ladies”.

It is estimated, that if Mary does complete her task, she will expel roughly one thousand imperial gallons of spadge and almost double that amount in scalding fanny batter.

Reuters News Agency

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly jeered at the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, taunting him that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when the officer drew his taser and zapped him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage-based antics in the finest motion picture ever made while they may not be able to do so”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline NHS staff to offer support and good wishes.

Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House spokesperson told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have to look at the poor turnout for the inauguration to see that”

Fears are now growing, that if something isn’t done to stop the growing trade in Trump supporter hides, the creatures could go on the endangered species list along with the white rhino and also Whitechapel car mechanics, who are highly prized by housewives across the world who use their stuffed penises as rolling pins.

Angry locals riot following tinned potatoes furore

An angry mob of over two hundred people laid siege to a corner shop in Leman Street last night after a Whitechapel man was sold a tin of boiled potatoes in water which contained a number of potatoes that were extremely undersized.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer, alerted neighbours and then posted pictures online of the potatoes in a pan, using arrows to indicate five or six extremely small examples.

Just hours later, a furious mob had gathered outside Dell’s home, chanting slogans and waving anti-tinned potato banners.

Things quickly turned ugly when Dell led the protesters, now brandishing pitchforks and carrying burning torches, down to Bishen Patel’s grocery store where they stood outside, hurling missiles and demanding justice and a full refund for Mr Dell.

As the baying mob began overturning cars and throwing petrol bombs at police, Mr Patel emerged from the shop and explained to Mr Dell that he had no idea that the tin contained undersized potatoes and that if he had known he would have taken it up with the wholesaler immediately.

Patel then gave Dell a free tin of Smedley’s tinned kidney beans in brine by way of recompense.

The two men then embraced warmly as the delighted crowd roared their approval before dispersing into the night.

This latest incident comes just two days after a local greengrocer was crucified and then burned alive by an angry mob in St George’s Park in Shadwell for allegedly selling a tin of marrow fat peas that contained a couple of black ones.

Local anti-masker still waiting to be carried shoulder-high from shop

A 27-year-old Whitechapel woman who describes herself as, ‘a libertarian, anti-mask warrior’, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she still hasn’t experienced the thrill of being borne shoulder-high from her local supermarket for bravely standing up-to, what she calls, the quasi-despotism of the government, by refusing to wear a face-covering inside the store.

Mary Alleyn, a divorced mother of two, told us: “Whenever I’ve read all the various accounts from fellow anti-maskers on social media; their defiant refusal to become just another witless sheep under government control by refusing to wear a mask in public places has nearly always led to them being carried shoulder-high by cheering fellow-shoppers, who in turn tear off their filthy muzzles and throw them into the air in jubilation at their liberation from the yoke of central government and their Big Pharma lackeys.

“I’m sure it will happen eventually but so far all I’ve had are loads of dirty looks and foul-mouthed abuse for supposedly being a mad, selfish bitch.

“I even had one woman trip me up in the fruit and veg aisle, sending me flying.

“She then rammed her trolley into me and began pelting me with beetroots.

“But my day in the sun will come. I’m absolutely convinced of it”

In other related news, an anti-mask protester in neighbouring Aldgate was punched to the ground outside a branch of Lidl by a fellow shopper

He was then stripped to his underpants by his attacker who attached a tow hook to his victim’s waistband and dragged him up Commercial Street to The Ten Bells in Spitalfields where the driver got out and went in for a drink.

The assailant, Toby Dell, 54, a local steel-fixer, appears in court next Monday accused of driving without a current MOT certificate.

So, don’t be a sackload of shiney shite and wear a mask ffs! – Ed

Putin’s daughter turns into manatee following covid vaccine trial

Yekaterina poses for snappers at her holiday home

In a major setback to the much-vaunted, nationwide rolling out of a coronavirus vaccine in Russia, it has been reported that the daughter of President Vladimir Putin, Yekaterina, who took part in the trial programme for the so-called, Sputnik-5 vaccine, has become a manatee.

A spokesman for the Kremlin told Russian media: “While it is true that President Putin’s daughter has now become a manatee it is unclear if the coronavirus vaccine was a factor.

“Admittedly, some of the other people involved in the trial programme have also turned into large, marine mammals but that could be sheer coincidence and anti-Russian, western speculation”

It is believed that Putin’s daughter was found drifting around in the pool at the President’s holiday home on the coast of Georgia on Tuesday evening and was identified by her, ‘Vlad’s My Dad’ knickers.

Local man’s hatred for chatty and convivial supermarket woman knows no bounds

A man dealing with a cheery woman in the olden days

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a local Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.