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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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journalism

Flatulent Local Woman Found Hanged Following Boyfriend’s ‘Tubby The Tuba’ gag

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A woman and tuba during the olden days

A 22-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in the shed at her home in Leman Street yesterday after an off-the-cuff humorous remark from her new boyfriend sent her spiralling into a crippling, swirling vortex of depression and self-recrimination.

Jade Carter, a legal secretary, had told friends that her new boyfriend quipped that she sounded like the popular 1940s children’s musical character, Tubby The Tuba, when she broke wind while walking home from an evening at a local restaurant two weeks ago.

Miss Carter’s Aunt, Tracy Dell, 35, told The Whelk: ‘Jade was feeling really down since her boyfriend’s remark.

‘It was only their second date, so she was hoping to continue making a good impression.

‘Only last week, she confided in me that she was really into this guy, so I can only imagine that the Tubby The Tuba joke pushed her over the edge.

‘Personally, I thought it was pretty funny, so I sent the bloke an email to that effect in case he was blaming himself for Jade having hanged herself.

‘He must have appreciated it as he sent me a series of dick pics shortly afterwards’

This latest tragedy comes just a year after a 23-year-old woman from neighbouring Bow threw herself under a tube train at Wapping station after violently breaking wind during a passionate embrace with her boyfriend, who then remarked: ‘Blimey, it’s Herb Alpert and his Tijuana arse’

Eamonn Holme’s Painful Fall Buoys Nation

Pilchard Spittlejohn

Holmes pictured in happier times at a New Years ball in 2014

Beleaguered Brits received a much-needed boost to their flagging spirits yesterday when news broke that right-wing TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, had fallen down the stairs at his home, fracturing his shoulder in the tumble.

The former Good Morning Britain presenter, who now hosts his own show on the right-wing TV station, GB News, was already recovering from surgery on a painful back issue.

It is now understood that he will be absent from the screens of Britain’s bigoted racists and Brexity thundercunts for at least six months, news which has buoyed millions of Brits who are struggling due to the fiscal effects of a catalogue of Tory government blunders as well as the devastating collapse of Britain’s economic standing following the decision by elderly racists to quit the largest trading block in the world, thinking it would get the blacks out of the country.

The Whelk spoke to a Whitechapel man and his wife last night who were both jubilant to hear the news of Holmes’s misfortune.

Toby Dell, 54, told us: ‘I’ve been pretty despondent lately, what with rising energy costs, inflation and the loss of my job due to Brexit, so I was over the moon when I heard that Holmes was in shit state with a broken shoulder. If I had my way, I’d go and visit the lardy ponce in hospital and break the other one’

His wife, Tracy, was also in high spirits after learning of the Irishman’s painful tumble: ‘This is the best news since my mother-in-law got her tits caught in the mangle.

‘The thought of that fat, fascistic, bog-trotting fucker writhing in pain at the foot of his stairs has made my day and then some’

There have already been calls in some quarters for a public holiday to be declared if Holmes’s injuries prove to be so severe that he will be unable to appear on our screens ever again.

Health Concerns Grow as Queen Set To Miss Traditional East End Dog Fight

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Her Majesty flanked by Prince Charles and Princess Ann at last year’s event

Speculation regarding the health of Her Majesty The Queen was rife last night after Buckingham Palace announced that she would miss the annual dog fighting event in Poplar in East London that she has traditionally attended since her accession to the throne in 1956.

Her Majesty often enters one of her own highly-trained pedigree pitbull terriers and will even unleash the killer dogs herself at the start of some of the fights.

She also enjoys a flutter and will often stuff wads of banknotes down the shirt front of a gypsy bookie before walking round with the hat at the end, collecting bets from unlucky punters while taking swigs from a bottle of gin.

The Queen is widely acknowledged as a renowned authority on dog fighting and has bred past champions like Gnasher Prince, Battle Bitch Beth, and, Prince Philip’s own canine scrapper, Slitty-Eyed Gus.

This latest cancellation comes just two weeks after Her Majesty pulled out of her beloved annual visit to South London’s August bare-knuckle fights, traditionally held in a derelict warehouse at Deptford Creek where she loves to tuck into a crate of her favourite brown ale before cheering on her two-fisted youngest son, Prince Edward, who strips to the waist after swigging down a bottle of peach liqueur before battering his luckless opponents to a pulp, often licking the blood from their chests and faces as they lay unconscious at his feet.

Our Office Cat is a Reincarnation of Egyptian Sun God, Ra, Claims Local Newspaper

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Office cat, Mrs Bastard pictured last night by a Whelk snapper

The Whitechapel Whelk newspaper has made the astonishing claim that their office cat, Mrs Bastard, is a reincarnation of the ancient Egyptian god of sunlight, Ra.

Speaking from outside the Whelk office in Whitechapel Road, editor-in-chief, Danny Soz, said: ‘I’ve always felt there was something other-worldly about Mrs Bastard and I’m now convinced that he is the ancient Egyptian deity, Ra, in feline form, and my colleagues are all in agreement on this one.

‘We now intend to auction Mrs Bastard at Sotherby’s where we hope to get a good few million quid from one of the world’s top museums, although, we have stuck a twenty quid reserve price on him just in case.’

Mrs Bastard is believed to come from a litter sired by the legendary Clapham Junction mouser, Samuel Dave, who was once claimed to be in direct line to the throne of Ethiopia by the same publication.

The newspaper then subsequently tried and failed to claim ownership of the bejewelled crown of former emperor Haile Selassie as the cat’s ‘birthright’.

Local Hack Fired Following Steamy Romp With Office Cat

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Feline hot hot hot. Dave pictured in a saucy pose last night

A 54-year-old journalist on the Whitechapel Whelk newspaper has been dismissed after it was revealed that he enjoyed a sizzling sex romp with the office cat after the pair were left alone in the newsroom after office hours.

Toby Dell, married with five children and the paper’s sports correspondent, allegedly had sex with the cat, named as Samuel Dave from Clapham, South London, in April of this year after the pair had shared an evening meal, during which a quantity of alcohol was consumed.

Speaking to newsmen from outside his home in Leman Street, Whitechapel, Dell said: ‘The wife and I hadn’t been getting along since Christmas and there’d been no intimacy between us for months, so, after a few drinks I started to notice how damnably attractive Samuel Dave was.

‘To my shame, I poured some Scotch into his bowl of Choosey, in an attempt to get him in the mood for loving.

‘It must have worked because shortly afterwards we were rolling around together naked on the office floor. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

The newspaper’s editor-in-chief, Danny Soz, made a brief statement last night: ‘We don’t encourage intimacy between staff members at any time let alone on the newspaper’s premises.

‘The fact that Mr Dell saw fit to behave in such an outrageous manner during office hours left me with no alternative.

‘I might have sought to go down a slightly more lenient path if full sex hadn’t occurred and the liason had involved nothing more than heavy petting.’

In 1998, Daily Mirror editor and now prominent TV personality, Piers Morgan, was given a written warning after he was allegedly caught performing an unnatural act with the foreign correspondent’s pet howler monkey at the newspaper’s Xmas party.

Local woman’s search for portable toilet led to bungled suicide bid

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A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide after the new man in her life discovered that she’d been searching the internet for a portable toilet that she could use during her regular fishing trips on the upper reaches of The Thames.

Tracy Dell, a beautician from Leman Street, was found with her head in the gas oven by her new partner, who pulled her to safety.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night, the 20-year-old man, who wished to remain anonymous, told us: ‘When she came round after I’d thrown a bucket of water over her, she told me that the shame of my discovering her search for the portable toilet had pushed her over the edge.

‘To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered about it and certainly now regret taking the mickey out of her about it after finding the search on her phone.

‘After all, it’s better than having a clearout in the doorway of Robert Dyas in Tottenham Court Road like I did last Saturday after a skinful in the boozer across the road.

This incident comes just two weeks after another local woman died after setting fire to herself in the street following an incident in which she’d visited the toilet in her new boyfriend’s flat only to find that a malfunctioning ball valve in the cistern had resulted in a failure to flush which had left a tell-tale ‘peeper’ protruding from the hidden bend.

‘I’ll eat my own body weight in jellied eels to mark Platinum Jubilee’, vows fired-up Fergie

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Fergie pictured posing for our snapper outside The Whelk offices in Whitechapel Road last night

Ex-royal, Sarah Ferguson, last night told The Whitechapel Whelk that she will consume her own body weight in jellied eels and mash to commemorate The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee next Saturday.

Despite being ostracised by The Royal Family after her divorce from Prince Andrew, Fergie has always remained staunchly loyal to Her Majesty and the monarchy in general.

‘Despite everything, I love The Queen’ she told us yesterday.

‘She may not talk to me these days but she’s still number one in my book and the least I can do to honour her seventy years on the throne is to wolf down my entire bodyweight in eels and mash.

‘I’ll make a start bright and early next Saturday at Kelly’s Eel and Pie Shop in Roman Road and won’t stop until the governor tells me I’ve tucked away the requisite amount.

‘I’ve worked out that if I start when they open at lunchtime I should finish about 4.00 pm, taking into account any visits to the ladies for a shit’

A spokesman for Kelly’s told us last night: ‘If she’s going to eat her own weight in eels I’ll make sure our suppliers send in an extra lorry load as she was always a big old sort even when she was with Andy, so gawd alone knows what she weighs nowadays’

In 2019, Fergie marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day by eating twenty-seven ‘Yumbo Jumbo’ stuffed crust pizzas at Papa John’s in London Bridge Road, washing each one down with a one-litre bottle of R. White’s Cream Soda.

BREAKING: Beseiged Ukrainian Townspeople to Hold Vigil For Bruce Willis

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One of the lucky ones. A Mariupol resident pictured en route to the Willis vigil earlier.

The people of the wartorn town of Mariupol in eastern Ukraine are preparing to hold a candlelit vigil this evening as a mark of respect for stricken Hollywood star, Bruce Willis, who has been forced into retirement due to a brain condition.

One woman, who has been trapped in a basement for thirty-six days with her small child after Russian shelling reduced her home to rubble, emerged to tell a BBC reporter: ‘It’s been a tough time for all of us, to be honest, but we couldn’t just cower amongst the debris of our former homes while Bruce Willis is reduced to wandering around his palatial Beverly Hills residence not knowing if he wants a shit or a haircut.

‘The whole town will be turning out tonight as a mark of our respect, curfew or no curfew.

‘If we get killed then so be it. At least we’ll have given our lives in a worthy cause.

‘Many of my friends and neighbours in the basement are distraught about this one and if it wasn’t for the fact that Meatloaf and the drummer out of the Foo Fighters are still hale and hearty I could see many of them going over the edge.’

Bruce Willis appeared in a number of highly successful movies, many of which featured the star clinging to the fuselage of various aircraft in an oil-stained vest wearing a sardonic grin.

BBC’s Rageh Omaar has spent 88 per cent of his life on warzone rooftops, study reveals

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Omaar pictured last night on the roof of the Bombay Nights Indian restaurant in Whitechapel High Street

A recent study of the journalistic career of the award-winning BBC war correspondent, Rageh Omaar, has revealed that he has spent more than three-quarters of his entire life, broadcasting from flat rooftops in various trouble spots around the world.

Omaar, 55, made his name as a fearless young journalist, reporting from a Kuwaiti rooftop during the first Gulf war in 1990, when he spent ninety-six days on a roof with only three cans of Red Bull and a pack of tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches, that were made for him by his mother before he left, to sustain him.

Since then, he has stood on rooftops with artillery fire raining down in various warzones across the planet, including, Syria, Yemen, Chechnya, Sierra Leonne, and more recently Mariupol in Ukraine, where he has been on the flat roof of a bombed-out building for 13-days with only a handheld camera and a small cassette recorder, on which he records the latest Russian air and artillery strikes for the BBC and the Al Jazeera television station.

In 2010, Omaar split from his wife of 12-years who cited his constant demands for food and water to be brought up to him on the roof of their home in Milton Keynes as grounds for divorce.

‘He was rooftop mad’ she told The Sunday Times.

‘We even spent our honeymoon night in Praia Del Ingles in Portugal on the roof where he insisted on a cameraman being present while we had sex in case a Warsaw Pact country launched an airstrike on our hotel.’

Only the legendary BBC war correspondent, Kate Adie, can match Omaar’s dogged record in world trouble spots.

Last year, it was revealed that Adie has spent her entire life from the age of nineteen in warzones, crouching down on her haunches wearing army fatigues and shouting into a microphone as various bombs, missiles, and even improvised explosive devices, explode in the background.

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