Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Category

journalism

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

gay superman

Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

Meghan may have been military advisor to Serb monster, Mladic, says Daily Mail

extra!

In an exclusive piece in today’s Daily Mail, the newspaper makes the shocking claim that the Duchess of Sussex may have been a military advisor to convicted Serbian war criminal, Ratko Mladic, dubbed, The Butcher Of Bosnia, who oversaw atrocities inflicted on the Bosnian Muslims, Croats, and other non-Serbs in the early 90s.

The Mail makes the damning accusation, citing the fact that little was known of Meghan Markle – as she was known back when Mladic was committing war crimes.

“It’s highly probable that Markle was behind many of these attrocitities,” says the newspaper.

“Mladic could never have engineered the killings of civilians in Sarajevo and places like that without help, and attention-seeking Markle has to be high on the list of probable accomplices.

“She may have thought that she could get a book deal out of it at some point, or even a TV exclusive with Oprah Winfrey on prime time television.”

Mladic, currently serving a life sentence for genocide in The Hague, allegedly refused to deny the allegation when questioned by a Mail reporter last Tuesday.

The shock claim comes almost 27 years after The Daily Express newspaper’s 1996 claim that Princess Diana was a close associate of brutal Ugandan despot, Idi Amin, during his murderous reign of terror in the 1970s.

However, the newspaper retracted the claim a year later when the princess was killed in a car crash and the news media had to like her again.

Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

trees-and-undergrowth-with-ferns
Dense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.

“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

I want to be laid to rest alongside Artoo Deetoo, says Queen

artoo

In a leaked Palace document, Her Majesty, The Queen has revealed that she wants to be buried alongside the Star Wars droid, Artoo Deetoo.

In an appendix to her will, The Queen states: “I have always been a huge fan of the Star Wars series of films, and in particular, of Artoo Deetoo, who always comes across as a force for good and decency.

“I am therefore stipulating that my earthly remains be interred alongside those of Artoo’s if possible, or at the very least, that he is dug up and placed in a tomb alongside my own at Westminster Abbey when the time comes.”

Her Majesty’s request is reminiscent of her mother’s directive that she be buried alongside the hero of the 1950s TV series, The King Of The Rocket Men.

Harry and Meghan’s newborn has 1 in 100 chance of becoming a crazed axe-murderer, says Daily Mail

harry and m.jpg.gallery.jpg.gallery
Have they bred a monster? Harry and Meghan striking a demonic pose for snappers earlier

In a shocking and hard-hitting editorial yesterday, the Daily Mail newspaper has revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s latest child has a one in a hundred chance of becoming a psychotic monster, that will at some point run amok with an axe, slaughtering every living creature in its path.

In its editorial yesterday, The Mail pointed to largely discredited statistics provided by a controversial American psychiatrist in 1953 which vaguely suggest that one per cent of the world’s population may display psychopathic tendencies on occasion.

Despite worldwide scepticism and condemnation of the findings by psychiatric bodies worldwide, The Mail points out: “This study is spot-on as far as we are concerned and the British public need to be aware that The Sussexes have potentially unleashed a killer onto the streets of this nation.

“Make no mistake, this mixed-race child is a massive threat to innocent, and still, largely-white, members of the public and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if this dusky-complexioned progeny of an unnatural marriage doesn’t embark on a crazed trail of bloody destruction armed with an axe at some point.

“We know for a fact, for instance, that The Queen is so alarmed by the prospect of being slashed and then slaughtered by this, black-as-the-ace-of-spades baby when it grows up, she has called for a special cage to be built inside Buckingham Palace so that the negroid-featured child can be restrained when it comes over for a visit with its darkie mother – when she can drag herself away from Marxist, BLM rallies and fried chicken-eating competitions that is”

In today’s leader, The Mail speculates on, what they see as, the increasing likelihood of both of William and Kate’s ‘reassuringly caucasian’ youngsters becoming living saints that will be borne unto Heaven by pink-cheeked, Aryan cherubim and seraphim at some point.

Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday.

syrian_civil_war
A Bermondsey man comforts a distraught neighbour who has just learned that Torremolinos has been moved into the red zone.

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support and sympathy to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight’s holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, backed by Russian airpower, five times during the last six months, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

Speaking to our foreign correspondent, a doctor in a local hospital, said: “It’s been pretty terrible here for a number of years now.

“Until fairly recently, we were under the brutal rule of Islamic State, and then after they were driven out, our own government started bombing us. It’s hard to say what was worse really.

“So when we heard through the BBC World Service that a number of British people wouldn’t be able to jet off to Benidorm and places like that, we couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

“Our mayor has written to the British Foreign Secretary, asking him to put Portugal back in the green zone and for countries like Malta, who have a very low infection rate, to be considered for the green list also.

“We are also offering free accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

“Of course, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad’s forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets but at least the weather’s good at this time of year and you’ll go home with a healthy tan, if you manage to make it back that is”

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office told us: “We don’t recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you’re pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition which could result in your body being amongst those piled high in the streets during the third wave”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Get a fucking grip you selfish Brit bastards.

Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

floor polisher

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

Local Lion-Tamer Eaten Alive On First Working Day After Furlough

lion-tamer-1861-granger
Happier times. Dell puts Dave through his paces just prior to the second lockdown

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has been mauled and then eaten by a circus lion that he was attempting to tame in his backyard.

Toby Dell, a lion-tamer for 22 years, had just returned to work after being furloughed during the health crisis by Sofia Dee’s Circus, his employers for the last 10 years.

Dell’s wife, Tracy, 52, who found her husband’s remains, told The Whelk: “Toby was really excited about going back to work after a long lay-off and decided to get some lion-taming practice in with our own pet lion, Dave, who lives in a converted shed in our back garden

“I came home from shopping and found some of Toby’s bones strewn around the yard along with his tunic and boots that Dave must have spat out after eating him.

“I’d forgotten to give Dave his breakfast this morning so it’s probably down to that. I feel a bit guilty now, to be honest.

“Only last week, I told him to pack in the lion-taming and take up a safer profession but he told me he loved his job and would carry on until his dying day.

“Now, those words have come back to bite him in the arse. Quite literally in his case”

Circus-owner and Dell’s employer, Sofia Dee, told us: “I can’t believe he’s gone.

“We’ve been paying twenty per cent of his wages for the last year, not to mention his national insurance contributions.

“I just hope we can claim some of it back from the social security”

Mr Dell’s remains will hopefully be interred at Mile End Cemetary next week, although it largely depends on how soon Dave has a bowel movement.

Local anti-vax couple vow to ‘thoroughly enjoy’ staycation

anti vax holiday
Ted and Marjory pose happily on a rocky outcrop at their proposed holiday destination

A middle-aged couple who have refused the covid-19 jab due to the strongly-held belief that Bill Gates would immediately switch them off so that Tom Hanks could drink their blood, have told The Whelk that they will thoroughly enjoy being restricted to holidaying in their back garden when the foreign travel restrictions are lifted later this month.

Ted and Marjory Icke, both unemployed, told us: “We normally have a couple of weeks in Benidorm, but, due to the proposed vaccine passport requirement, we’ve decided to holiday in the back garden this year.

“We’re thoroughly looking forward to it and it will give us a chance to clear out the shed.

“At the end of the day, it’s a lot better than being taken over by Bill Gates before being sucked dry by Tom Hanks so that he can stay young-looking”

It is estimated that several thousand staunch anti-vaxxers will have a damoscene change of heart this year when they realise that not having the covid jab will deprive them of the opportunity of shaming the nation by urinating and vomiting in the streets of a Spanish hellhole on the Costa Brava.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑