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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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journalism

‘I’ll eat my own body weight in jellied eels to mark Platinum Jubilee’, vows fired-up Fergie

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Fergie pictured posing for our snapper outside The Whelk offices in Whitechapel Road last night

Ex-royal, Sarah Ferguson, last night told The Whitechapel Whelk that she will consume her own body weight in jellied eels and mash to commemorate The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee next Saturday.

Despite being ostracised by The Royal Family after her divorce from Prince Andrew, Fergie has always remained staunchly loyal to Her Majesty and the monarchy in general.

‘Despite everything, I love The Queen’ she told us yesterday.

‘She may not talk to me these days but she’s still number one in my book and the least I can do to honour her seventy years on the throne is to wolf down my entire bodyweight in eels and mash.

‘I’ll make a start bright and early next Saturday at Kelly’s Eel and Pie Shop in Roman Road and won’t stop until the governor tells me I’ve tucked away the requisite amount.

‘I’ve worked out that if I start when they open at lunchtime I should finish about 4.00 pm, taking into account any visits to the ladies for a shit’

A spokesman for Kelly’s told us last night: ‘If she’s going to eat her own weight in eels I’ll make sure our suppliers send in an extra lorry load as she was always a big old sort even when she was with Andy, so gawd alone knows what she weighs nowadays’

In 2019, Fergie marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day by eating twenty-seven ‘Yumbo Jumbo’ stuffed crust pizzas at Papa John’s in London Bridge Road, washing each one down with a one-litre bottle of R. White’s Cream Soda.

BREAKING: Beseiged Ukrainian Townspeople to Hold Vigil For Bruce Willis

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One of the lucky ones. A Mariupol resident pictured en route to the Willis vigil earlier.

The people of the wartorn town of Mariupol in eastern Ukraine are preparing to hold a candlelit vigil this evening as a mark of respect for stricken Hollywood star, Bruce Willis, who has been forced into retirement due to a brain condition.

One woman, who has been trapped in a basement for thirty-six days with her small child after Russian shelling reduced her home to rubble, emerged to tell a BBC reporter: ‘It’s been a tough time for all of us, to be honest, but we couldn’t just cower amongst the debris of our former homes while Bruce Willis is reduced to wandering around his palatial Beverly Hills residence not knowing if he wants a shit or a haircut.

‘The whole town will be turning out tonight as a mark of our respect, curfew or no curfew.

‘If we get killed then so be it. At least we’ll have given our lives in a worthy cause.

‘Many of my friends and neighbours in the basement are distraught about this one and if it wasn’t for the fact that Meatloaf and the drummer out of the Foo Fighters are still hale and hearty I could see many of them going over the edge.’

Bruce Willis appeared in a number of highly successful movies, many of which featured the star clinging to the fuselage of various aircraft in an oil-stained vest wearing a sardonic grin.

BBC’s Rageh Omaar has spent 88 per cent of his life on warzone rooftops, study reveals

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Omaar pictured last night on the roof of the Bombay Nights Indian restaurant in Whitechapel High Street

A recent study of the journalistic career of the award-winning BBC war correspondent, Rageh Omaar, has revealed that he has spent more than three-quarters of his entire life, broadcasting from flat rooftops in various trouble spots around the world.

Omaar, 55, made his name as a fearless young journalist, reporting from a Kuwaiti rooftop during the first Gulf war in 1990, when he spent ninety-six days on a roof with only three cans of Red Bull and a pack of tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches, that were made for him by his mother before he left, to sustain him.

Since then, he has stood on rooftops with artillery fire raining down in various warzones across the planet, including, Syria, Yemen, Chechnya, Sierra Leonne, and more recently Mariupol in Ukraine, where he has been on the flat roof of a bombed-out building for 13-days with only a handheld camera and a small cassette recorder, on which he records the latest Russian air and artillery strikes for the BBC and the Al Jazeera television station.

In 2010, Omaar split from his wife of 12-years who cited his constant demands for food and water to be brought up to him on the roof of their home in Milton Keynes as grounds for divorce.

‘He was rooftop mad’ she told The Sunday Times.

‘We even spent our honeymoon night in Praia Del Ingles in Portugal on the roof where he insisted on a cameraman being present while we had sex in case a Warsaw Pact country launched an airstrike on our hotel.’

Only the legendary BBC war correspondent, Kate Adie, can match Omaar’s dogged record in world trouble spots.

Last year, it was revealed that Adie has spent her entire life from the age of nineteen in warzones, crouching down on her haunches wearing army fatigues and shouting into a microphone as various bombs, missiles, and even improvised explosive devices, explode in the background.

Earth will be bombarded with killer cheese particles following rocket debris strike, says David Icke

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Icke (pictured left) with friends last night

Prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, last night issued a warning that Earth will be totally destroyed by falling cheese debris when a rocket particle collides with the Moon at around midday GMT today as astrologists are predicting

Icke, speaking from his cellar in Broadstairs told local newsmen: ‘Massive cheese meteors from the moon are going to kill you all within hours.

‘Only myself and my followers will survive the cheesy debris strikes.

‘I’m going to write a book about it afterwards and make shedloads of money from the proceeds which I will spend on grog and cleaning up the remains of the cheese from the world’s towns and cities.

‘Believe in me or you are all doomed to be killed by Cheddar and Roquefort fragments, the size of which, the world has never seen’

Icke, who was recently heard on television, reasserting his claim that The Queen is a shape-shifting lizard, came under fire recently for barking at screen depictions of the Moon during a screening of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, at his local cinema.

PM plays down No.10 lockdown orgy furore: Staff only fondled using socially distanced hands on springs, says Johnson

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‘They were like this hand but on springs’ Johnson explained to a BBC correspondent

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson was at the centre of another #Partygate storm last night as former key advisor, Dominic Cummings, told The Times newspaper that a Roman-style orgy was held at Ten Downing Street during the height of the 2020 lockdown.

Cummings claims that up to 100 guests, including the prime minister and his wife, romped naked while caterers hired by Number 10 passed around cheese and wine along with condoms and various sex toys.

In a no-holds-barred interview, Cummings claims: ‘It was like a Roman orgy in there, to be honest.

‘I saw Cabinet ministers and parliamentary private secretaries going at it full pelt on the carpet and tables.

‘At one point, I saw Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was dressed as a 19th century serving wench, being pleasured by Brexit hardman, Steve Baker and his missus.

‘When he shot his bolt, he started bawling out the national anthem in Latin.

‘I didn’t take part myself as my eyesight was playing up quite badly and I didn’t want to end up bumming one of the chaps by mistake.

‘I can tell you that people were going at it hammer and tongs, especially the Prime Minister and Carrie, and that after everyone had gone home, there was spadge and fanny batter everywhere, including all up the walls’

The Prime Minister, strongly refuted the claims last night: ‘There was a small, work-based gathering which I attended for no more than ten minutes.’ he told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

‘There may have been some raucous horseplay after I left, during which, exhausted, hardworking staff let off a bit of steam, but I’ve been assured that any sexual contact was carried out using hands on springs in complete adherence to the distancing guidelines and that nobody actually got their end away, particularly me.’

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after, diminutive, far-right, Tory backbencher, Mark Francois, was censured by the 1922 Committee for appearing in a lurid dwarf porn video, filmed during Prince Philip’s funeral at Windsor Castle last April.

Quarantined local man set to recreate going to football match in own home

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.

‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.

‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.

‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground by doing circuits of the back garden for about half an hour.

‘I’ll get the missus to bring me out a takeaway kebab at some point as I always like a bit of scoff on the way to the match to soak up the ale.

‘Then, after urinating up the garden fence to faithfully replicate my pre-match Jimmy Riddle in public, I’ll show my ticket to the missus at the back door before going in to watch the game on the telly.

‘At half-time, I’ll steam into a few more cans of lager that I’ve smuggled in past the kids, who will be dressed in hi-viz jackets and acting as stewards.

‘After the match, I’ll go back into the garden for the dummy walk home, and if The Hammers have lost, I’ll jump the fence into next-door’s garden and beat seven shades of shit out of the bloke who lives there to recreate a spot of post-match soccer hooliganism.

‘Finally, it’ll be back indoors for a few cold sharpeners from the fridge before settling down to watch the highlights on Match Of The Day.

‘Unless, of course, we’ve lost, in which case I’ll go straight to bed without a word of greeting to the family with a face like a smacked arse.’

Mr Dell’s replication of a sporting event comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch pretended to be present at The Masters Snooker Championship by putting the event on TV and then falling asleep for six hours.

Local woman catches husband having an affair using a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp

A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman revealed last night that she caught her husband having a saucy exchange with a woman living across the road using coded messages on an Aldis Lamp, a signalling device used by ships to transmit messages to one another while at sea.

Tracy Dell, from Berner Street, told BBC London News: “I first suspected he was up to something when he came home with an Aldis Lamp and told me that he was going to use it if we were flooded out and needed to signal to a life raft while we were on the roof.

‘Initially, I believed him but then he began sneaking up into the loft late at night and I could hear him operating the shutter.

‘I went into the street and could see that he was exchanging signals with the house opposite.

‘I spent the next weeks learning naval signalling codes and then concealed myself in the hedge outside our house and waited.

‘At around midnight, they were at it, and, due to my newly-acquired skills, I was able to decipher every dot and dash.

‘He was describing what he wanted to do to her and she was responding in kind.

‘I eventually ran indoors and broke down when she started signalling that she wanted to nosh him off in our bedroom while I slept’.

‘I confronted him and he eventually came clean, telling me that he was sorry and that it would never happen again.

‘I decided to give him another chance but then filed for divorce when, just a week later, I found semaphore flags hidden at the back of the wardrobe’

Mrs Dell’s revelations come just two weeks after a 40-year-old man left his wife of twenty years after finding her sending lewd messages to one of the builders working on their extension using morse code.

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