Local man seated near pub dartboard felt blood run cold as woman stepped up to the oche

Avoiding the point. A man pictured watching a ladies darts match last night

A 54-year-old man who was seated close to a pub dartboard last week has told The Whelk that he felt a frisson of terror that chilled his very blood when a woman approached the oche and began removing a set of darts from a leather holder.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told us: “I was enjoying a quiet pint after work when this woman came out of nowhere and began getting her darts out.

“I immediately realised that I was in danger of losing an eye or worse.

“As she prepared to launch the first dart, I considered getting under the table until she’d thrown all three but I didn’t want to appear scared so I pretended to go to the toilet and sneaked out of the door and went home instead.

“I’ve never felt fear like it, to be honest. When I got home, I was so shaken my wife thought I’d been mugged again”

Last year alone, 257 men were badly injured by women playing pub games. Darts accounted for the large majority. However, in March, a Bermondsey man was blinded by a woman playing shove halfpenny, and in July, three men needed hospital treatment for head injuries at The Royal London Hospital after being repeatedly struck by a group of middle-aged women playing skittles in The Admiral Nelson in Cripplegate.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry about this one ladies. Our feature’s editor’s wife has divorced him and gained custody of the dog so he wanted an article that lashes out unfairly at females everywhere.

‘Cruel’ careers master advised one-armed pupil to become a wallpaper hanger

A teacher at Whitechapel Academy school has come under fire from the board of governors and parents alike after he told a 15-year-old boy with only one arm that his best chance of success in life was to get a job as a wallpaper hanger in a firm of painters and decorators.

Careers advisor and maths teacher, Toby Dell, strenuously denied accusations that he was being deliberately cruel to the lad who lost an arm 4 years ago after being hit by a number 24 bus in Pimlico during a school trip to the Tate Modern art gallery.

Dell, 47, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I utterly refute the allegation that I was being deliberately cruel or mischievous in any way, shape or form.

“This young man is notoriously idle in both his school work and his reluctance to get involved in sporting activities.

“For example, he has twice ignored my advice to join the basketball and hockey teams.

“I was firmly of the opinion that a career as a wallpaper hanger would liven the young sluggard up a bit”

Mr Dell also attracted criticism in 2012 when he told a one-legged female pupil that he would beat her easily in an arse-kicking contest.

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

A 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in Barnsley she became red in the face and began repeatedly yelling, “You lost, get over it” before collapsing to the floor.

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’re not from London and want to attend the Brexit leaving party scheduled to take place in Parliament Square, here are some directions: Head south towards Oxford and keep going until you come to a big town with a river running through it and a happy, thriving, multicultural populace.

FOOTNOTE: Don’t try to find your way by heading towards the bongs of Big Ben. There ain’t gonna be any.

Prince Andrew Bombshell: I was in a Whitechapel pie and mash shop when FBI tried to contact me

Beleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has claimed that he was in a pie and mash shop in East London when the FBI were trying to gain his assistance with their investigation into his close friend, the late Jacob Epstein and his links to sex trafficking.

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said last night: “His Royal Highness wishes for it to be known that he was in Kelly’s pie and mash shop in Whitechapel High Street during the entire time the Bureau were trying to contact him.

“He had pie, double mash and liquor with fruit pie and custard for afters.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a receipt so you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

We spoke to the shop’s owner, Bill Kelly last night who denied that Prince Andrew was in his eaterie at the time: “No mate”, he told us. “I’d have remembered something like that

“Mind you, we did have the Queen Mother in here in 1941 when she was inspecting the bomb damage in the East End after the Luftwaffe bombed the docks.

“No, if Prince Andrew had come in, he’d have been battered by the other customers.

“We don’t take kindly to nonces around here”

In other royal news, Meghan Markle has been savaged in the tabloids for giving tacit support to communism after she was spotted wearing a red jumper in a Toronto millinery shop last Friday.

Editor’s Note: There is no Kelly’s in Whitechapel but there is one in Bow and another in Bethnal green. Wonderful establishments and I highly recommend both.

EXTRA!

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’ve been experiencing any of the following symptoms: lethargy, double vision, dizziness or unsteadiness, nausea accompanied by hallucinations and an overwhelming desire to sleep, please check your drinks cabinet immediately as you may have been overdoing it on the Jack.

This information was bought to you courtesy of the PC Ted Stupor Liver Destruction & Public Incontinence Investigation Bureau

Harry and Meghan did the decent thing by relinquishing titles says, HRH Prince Andrew

Andrew pictured relaxing at his holiday home last night

Following the relinquishing of their royal titles, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex received a warm endorsement from Harry’s uncle, Prince Andrew, last night.

Speaking to The Whitechapel Whelk from the holiday isle of Mustique, where he has been laying somewhat low since being linked to dead paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew said: “Now look here, nobody like this sort of scandal. It puts the royal family in a very poor light indeed.

“I dread to think of the effect all this is having on my mother.

“However, I have to say that, in this instance, giving up their royal privileges was the very least they could do and I’m glad they’ve had the common decency to do so

“I have a small inkling of what they have been going through due to my own, very minor, issue with underage girls and my friendship with the convicted paedophile chappie and his links to human trafficking, but nothing on this scale.

“I wish them well in the future although I won’t be having any contact after this rather shameful business.

“I mean to say, one does have one’s own moral standing to consider doesn’t one?”

Harry and Meghan will be reunited in Canada later this week and will spend a few weeks there along with baby Archie while the Daily Mail and The Express feverishly try to work out how to castigate them over their relinquishing of their titles and repayment of the £3 million of taxpayers money used to refurbish their Frogmore Cottage home.

Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

Morgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The blood-soaked Good Morning host then staggered across to a small group of office girls to claim his harem.

One of these was then heard to remark, ‘You must be joking, you fat turd’ before the group moved away to a nearby cake shop.

Royal Bombshell

Tremendous gesture from the man. It looks like we may have got the fella all wrong – Ed