Local mum forced to abort car journey after teen son leaves home without masturbating

A 39-year-old Whitechapel mother of two was forced to turn back ten minutes into a car journey after her 16-year-old son complained that he hadn’t masturbated before leaving home.

Tracy Dell from Vallance Road, told us: “We were on a trip to visit my mum in Pimlico when my eldest, Toby, told me that he hadn’t masturbated that morning and didn’t think he could hold it until we got to his grandmother’s place.

“I had to turn back and then wait outside for a few minutes until he’d finished.

“I wouldn’t mind but I asked him if he needed to clear his tubes before we left but he said he was ok and that if he did need to ejaculate on the way he could do it in some bushes at the side of the road.

“My 16-year-old daughter was also in the car but she said she could wait until we got to my mum’s house”

In a similar incident two weeks ago, a mother from neighbouring Stepney told us that her 15-year-old son had embarrassed her by climaxing noisily into an ice cream carton during a performance of La Boheme at The Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.

Local woman boils kettle on Brexiteer husband’s head

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she boiled a full kettle of water by placing it on the head of her staunch Brexiteer husband’s head during a party political broadcast by the Liberal Democrats.

Tracy Dell from Commercial Street, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching TV with my husband, Toby, when the Lib Dem’s party broadcast started.

“Straight away, I noticed the temperature in the room go up when they started talking about scrapping Brexit.

“I knew from experience that it was due to the heat coming from Toby’s head, and, sure enough, when I looked at him, he was bright red and the vein in his temple was throbbing like the clappers.

“I didn’t want to miss the chance to save a few bob so I stuck the kettle on his head and boiled it up for a cuppa.

“His head was so hot it only took around half a minute. In the end, I had to switch the telly over to a wildlife programme to stop it from boiling over”

Mrs Dell also confided that she uses her husband to take the chill off the guest bedroom when the children are staying over by getting her him to sit in there for ten minutes with a picture of the European Union’s Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier.

JUST IN

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

The Queen has consumed at least 11 tons of tallow since ascending to the throne claims insider

A source inside Buckingham Palace has made the startling claim that Her Majesty, The Queen has used more than 11 imperial tons of tallow since coming to the throne in 1953

The insider told us that she eats raw tallow for every meal, and that even the food she eats at state banquets is made entirely from tallow and is disguised by Palace gourmet chefs to resemble rack of lamb with roast potatoes and things of that nature.

Tallow, which is made from the fat surrounding the organs of cows or sheep, also plays a major part in The Queen’s holistic approach to medicine and she regularly rubs it on her chest during the winter months to keep the cold out.

It is thought that her fondness for the viscous, fatty comestible was passed down to her by, The Queen Mother, who would routinely add hot tallow to her nightly pint of gin and would also use tallow suppositories if she was finding it difficult to have a shit.

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

Local woman drowned tot in a bucket after ‘Benny Hill’ jibe

Tragic tot, Toby, pictured in happier times

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned her 3-year-old son in a bucket after a comment was made on social media likening the youngster to the late comedian, Benny Hill, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Tracy Dell, a single mother from York Street, had entered her son, Toby, in a newspaper’s ‘Beautiful Baby’ competition in July this year.

The following day, a Facebook comment was made by someone on Miss Dell’s friends list, pointing out the likeness between the child and the podgy1970s comic.

Pleading guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, Miss Dell told the court: “To me, Toby was beautiful in every way, so when I spotted that he’d been likened to Benny Hill, something snapped and I grabbed his ankles and dropped him headfirst into a bucket of water.

“In my mind, I thought I’d be doing him a favour and would be saving Toby from a lifetime of ridicule.

“After all, it’s every mother’s instinct to protect her child and that’s what I thought I was doing”

The jury was later shown pictures of the child, which prompted a number of them to suppress laughter and for one of them to repeatedly slap a small bald juror on top of his head.

The case continues.

Local Man Dupes Wife by Using Hand On a Spring to Readjust Thermostat

A 43-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he routinely uses a joke, hand on a spring, to turn down the central heating thermostat when his wife’s not looking.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I spotted this hand on a spring device in a joke shop in Aldgate and immediately thought it would be just the thing for turning the heating down without actually walking over to it and getting a load of abuse.

“It’s been brilliant to be fair. I regularly turn it down a few notches while the missus watches telly, and, so far, she doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“She did ask me what the hand on a spring was for the other day, so I just told her it was for stroking the cat without having to bend down or get up from my armchair.”

It is estimated that the average British woman’s central heating adjustments melt the polar ice caps by 7 square miles during an episode of Homes Under The Hammer between late Spring and mid-June every year.

Strictly’s Len Goodman to be brought down in a controlled explosion

It was announced yesterday that Strictly Come Dancing legend, Len Goodman, will be brought down in a controlled explosion on the 23rd of December this year.

Goodman, 116, has become increasingly unsteady in recent years, and structural engineers have expressed concern that the ex- Strictly judge and former dancer could topple over at any time, causing damage to people in his vicinity.

Demolition experts will attach explosives to one of Goodman’s legs, the plan being to blow it off at the knee, causing his body to fall harmlessly to one side onto a piece of waste ground close to his birthplace in Bethnal Green, East London.

A close friend said last night: “It’s what Len would have wanted, in all honesty.

“He’s asked for his Strictly tuxedo to be auctioned off for charity and for there to be a special Argentinian tango night at the York Hall to commemorate his passing”.

Former Strictly colleague, Craig Revel Horwood, told newsmen last night: “It’s not before time, darling. I absolutely hated the old bastard”

 

No overtly effeminate men or hard-faced bitch queens were hurt during the writing of this article – Ed

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.