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Coronavirus ‘Silver Lining’: Remains of gangland victims become visible in Limehouse Basin for first time in 70 years

kray
The fearsome Kray twins, Ronnie and Reggie. Think 1950s Trump and Pence

In what is being hailed as a surprising silver lining in the current health crisis, environmentalists have reported, that following the almost miraculous post-coronavirus cleansing of Venice’s waterways, the butchered remains of 1950s and 60s gangland victims are now clearly visible at the bottom of the previously impenetrably murky, Limehouse Basin in East London, just two days after many polluting local industries shut down due to the covid-19 scare

Locals have reported spotting a number of skeletons, many with the hands and heads removed to prevent identification, lying strewn in the silt, some with large blocks of concrete chained to their ankles.

One local man, Toby Dell, 54, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s like a miracle. Some of those skeletons must be around 70 years old and were probably victims of the Kray twins, or even Jack Spot and Billy Hill in the 1940s

“It’s absolutely marvellous to see a part of this area’s heritage again after all these years.

“It just goes to show that every cloud”

One of the last surviving members of the notorious Kray Brothers’ ‘Firm’, Freddie ‘Brown Bread Fred’ Foreman, told The East London Gazette: “I was told that a number of local faces were thrown into the Basin back in the old days but I had nothing to do with any of them.

“In fact, I was in the pub when they was served up and I can call on at least half a dozen witnesses who were drinking with me all evening at the time”

Environmentalists now hope that the reduction in pollution to London’s waterways may improve visibility in local lakes and canals south of the Thames in Bermondsey, where it is believed the butchered bodies of up to two hundred victims of the notorious Richardson brothers were disposed of between 1959 and ’63.

Stay well everyone – Ed

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If you’ve been affected by the covid-19 situation, send us every last penny you own and me and the entire staff will jet off to an idyllic Pacific island for a few months until this whole unpleasant business is over – Ed

Covid-19 Window Cleaner Works From Home Using Hand On A Spring

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An enterprising local window cleaner, suffering from coronavirus, has come up with an ingenious way of continuing to ply his trade during his spell of self-isolation by making a long-reach, hand on a spring in his garden shed.

Toby Dell, 54, told The Whelk: “I wasn’t going to allow a damn virus to stop me from carrying out my obligations to my customers, so I came up with the hand on a spring idea, and, thus far, it’s worked a treat.

“It extends for just under two miles, so I’ve been able to do most of the work on my round in Whitechapel but I can’t quite reach Spitalfields and Aldgate, so they will have to wait until I’m better”.

Mr Dell also told us that his invention has allowed him to continue to enjoy an active social life.

“In the evenings, I extend my hand on a spring to The Blind Beggar in the high street and the landlord puts pints of Stella and the odd packet of cheese and onion crisps in it throughout the evening.

“However, I did have one over the eight last night and had my hand thrown out and barred for pinching the barmaid’s arse”

Mr Dell declined any payment for his story, but he did ask for a single neoprene glove and some hemp-based barrier cream to stop his hand from becoming chapped on cold mornings.

Trump imposes travel ban on countries that most Americans were previously unaware of

trump and waiter

In a bid to halt the alarming spread of coronavirus in America, President Donald Trump has imposed sweeping restrictions on visitors from European countries that only around 3% of Americans have ever heard of, let alone have any idea of their geographical location.

Speaking to the nation from the Oval Office, a grim-faced president said: “Although the economy is in great shape and unemployment is at an all-time low, tremendously low, by the way, I have decided to do something about some other countries out there. Countries that you and I will be unaware of for the most part.

“These are all very small countries, although there are also many big countries in other parts that are huge, by the way,

“I have now made great contingencies that are the greatest ever taken, absolutely no question. Obama could only dream about making these types of big, big contingencies when he was in office.

In these tremendous contingencies, I have decided that we need to stop people coming here from Europe and infecting our American citizens.

“Infected losers from countries like France, New Zealand and Nambia, which is a shithole, by the way, will no longer be permitted to come to our shores until Donald J Trump finds out just what the hell is going on.

“British people, however, can come because I think they live on an island. I think I’m right in saying that, although that’s just a hunch.

“It’s clear to me that the water between them and the failing Europeans makes them immune from infection because everybody knows bugs can’t swim.

“That’s a tremendous amount of water, by the way, a tremendous amount with some smaller amounts in other bigger parts also”

American media reaction to the travel ban was mixed last night, with Fox News declaring it, ‘A personal high point for Trump and for this presidency’. While a CNN newsreader made the sign of the Cross live on TV and began mumbling a series of Hail Marys while fingering a string of rosary beads.

Virus Fears Grow as Covid-19 Contracts Nadine Dorries

nadine dorries i'm celebrity
Ms Dorries pictured during her appearance on I’m A Celeb, trying to work out how to put on a hat

There was growing alarm amongst senior officials at the Department of Health last night after the killer virus, Covid-19, was found to have become infected by Junior Health Minister, Nadine Dorries.

A spokesperson for the department told newsmen: “A member of our research team, a leading microbiologist, was examining a Covid-19 sample under the microscope when he noticed it behaving oddly.

“Initially it began speaking in a poorly-disguised Liverpool accent.

It then began venturing crackpot opinions on subjects of which it had absolutely no knowledge.

“It tried to convince our man that Brexit was going to be beneficial to the entire country and that all this talk of dire economic consequences was just Project Fear being spread by unpatriotic lefty snowflakes, talking the country down.

“It then asked for a bit of time off from the lab to appear on I’m A Celeb.

The public has been warned to be on the alert for symptoms of this new mutation which manifests itself through, a constant dry cough, breathing difficulties, and the overwhelming compulsion to start acting like a weapons-grade dullard in public.

People showing signs of any of these symptoms are being asked to self-isolate without delay and then to contact, PM, Boris Johnson who will immediately offer them a highly paid job in The Cabinet.

CORONAVIRUS LATEST: Supermarket imposes strict limits on car bodywork scratching in all its car parks

Tesco

Supermarket giants, Tesco, yesterday announced that they will be restricting all customers to just one episode of scratching the bodywork of the car parked next to them in the car park until further notice.

A spokesperson for the company told newsmen: “There has been a recent marked upturn in the incidents of scratching or denting of car bodywork being reported by our customers.

“We believe this to be directly linked to people carelessly throwing their doors open before rushing inside to hoard toilet rolls, hand gel and other items during the current health crisis.

“We are therefore imposing a strict, one-scratch policy, so any customers who wish to further damage the bodywork of a vehicle parked next to theirs will have to do so away from our premises in their own time.

“We will be monitoring the situation carefully over the coming weeks with a view to allowing some light, superficial secondary damage to paintwork that can be polished out with T-Cut or covered up with one of those Holts colour match crayons if the situation eases.”

This move comes just days after rival retail giants, Waitrose and Sainsbury, rationed their customers to just one incident of slewing their trolleys across the aisle while frantically emptying shelves so that no other bastard could get past.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Journo They Can’t Gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. 

The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude, there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. 

No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. 

If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Nigel Farage and Marie Le Pen down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. 

They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. 

No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably dead, especially, Richard Littlejohn of The Express. No, that’s right out that is.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The extreme right-wing journo they can’t gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

All this coronavirus business. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

In my view, it’s a complete fabrication, dreamed up by leftie snowflakes to pour cold water on Brexit and to discredit President Trump.

If I was Boris, I’d round up all these malingerers with so-called covid-19 and shoot the bloody lot of ’em at dawn.

This great country of hours needs men of character and women that realise that their place is to walk two yards behind them, not a bunch of light-footed, libtard fairies and sensible shoe-wearing harridans, clumping down the road like Irish navvies.

And while we’re on the subject of fairies. You couldn’t make ’em up, could you?

Take that Philip Schofield off the telly for example. He’s whining about self-isolating himself for two weeks in case he’s got coronavirus.

Self-isolating? I would have thought he’s had enough of being cooped-up lately. The bloody great poof only got out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, for Christ’s sake.

If I had my way, I’d round up all these light-footed pooftahs and hang the lot of ’em at dawn.

Here’s something else you couldn’t make up. I actually saw a bloke in the pub, handing over a bunch of flowers to a woman the other day.

I nearly choked on my pint. What is a woman doing in a public house when there’s cooking and cleaning to be done?

You quite literally couldn’t make people like these up and the sooner the government grows a spine and beheads a few at dawn, the sooner this country will get some respect from foreigners. Like we used to in the war.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is sub-editor of Jew-Baiters and Fascist Caravaners Monthly

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is absolutely not based on, swivel-eyed, Daily Express cunt, Richard Littlejohn, in any way, shape or form. No, that’s right out that is.

Local teen mystified by girlfriend’s failure to pour milk over her breasts

milk
A bottle of red top pictured last night, half of which, may or may not have been poured over a pair of female breasts.

A 17-year-old Whitechapel youth has told a Whelk reporter that he was left in a state of confusion after spending the weekend at the home of his girlfriend without once witnessing her pouring milk over her naked breasts.

Toby Dell, an engineering student, told us: “I’ve seen literally hundreds of photographs of women on the internet and in magazines pouring milk over their breasts so I was pretty stunned when I spent the weekend with my new girlfriend and she didn’t do it once.

“At one point, I thought she was going to when she got a bottle of semi-skimmed out of the fridge as we were about to have breakfast, but instead of slowly peeling off her top and pouring the milk over her exposed breasts while licking her lips suggestively, she just put some on her Cocoa Pops and put the bottle back in the fridge.

“To say I was disappointed doesn’t even begin to cover it”

A recent survey conducted by Sussex University revealed that only one per cent of females pour milk onto their breasts, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent opting to put it in tea or coffee or use it to make smoothies.

Those who did admit to doing it said that it was almost always by accident when they were either drunkenly swigging from the bottle or were being paid by a professional photographer from a lowbrow grumble publication.

This revelation comes just two weeks after a 16-year-old boy from neighbouring Shoreditch told us of his surprise when he started fooling around with his girlfriend on the sofa and her attractive, huge-breasted mother didn’t come in wearing stockings and suspenders and offer to show her daughter how it was done.

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