I won’t rest until I’ve followed every blog on WordPress, vows Biden

United States President-Elect, Joe Biden, broke away from his inauguration preparations earlier to tell a Whelk reporter that his primary goal before he addresses the current health emergency and the rise of the far-right is to follow every blog on WordPress in a bid to get huge quantities of likes everytime he publishes a piece.

“I’ve noticed that some contributors are attracting literally hundreds of likes despite the fact that their own output is absolute garbage”, he told us.

“There’s one dude wearing an army hat who regularly attracts huge amounts of likes and his blog is a real piece of boring crap.

“I can only put it down to the fact that he follows just about every blog on the whole damn site, from appalling self-published book bandits to the blogs based on self-help, dieting, and sceptic tank-emptying.

“I aim to kick that guys ass and become the most successful blogger of all damn times”

When our reporter asked him how he was going to find time to read all those blogs, he chuckled and replied: “Read ’em? Hell, nobody reads other people’s shit.

“You just scroll down the reader and click on the little star gizmo beneath the blogs that follow you back.

“I only ever read two blogs with any degree of regularity and that’s, The Shinbone Star, because they rip the piss out of Trump, and, The Whitechapel Whelk, which is a limey newspaper cobbled together by a bunch of East London juice-head satirists.

“It’s a damn funny read and I’m going to reward those boys by awarding them The Congressional Medal of Honour or some shit like dat”

In tomorrow’s edition: ‘How I bagged myself eighty thousand Twitter followers by posting saucy shower pics of Prince Philip, by Her Majesty The Queen.

AMERICA IN CRISIS: 5G Lampposts behind insurgency, says Amanda Holden

In a strongly worded statement last night, Britain’s Got Talent icon and noted conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, pointed the blame for the shocking scenes on Capitol Hill yesterday at mind-bending rays being emitted from lamposts in America.

Holden, 87, said: “These people were just ordinary, God-fearing citizens before they were bombarded with mind-altering 5G rays from lamposts in their neighbourhoods.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Tom Hanks was behind it and that Bill Gates paid the electricity bill afterwards.

“It’s the infant’s blood-drinking that causes it. Hanks drinks the blood, leaves some in the bottle for George Clooney, and then gives the order for the rays to be switched on which galvanises the howling mob.

“Some of the rioters had even started to morph into animals because of the rays. I saw one chap that had turned into a half-man/half bison for example.

“It’s all about the rays, you see.”

In other news, fellow sceptic and morning TV host, Eammon Holmes, leapt to the defence of under-fire president, Donald Trump, last night.

“People will be quick to point the finger at Trump’s mental condition but I would suggest that it reflects badly on us as a nation if we condemn a man just for being completely round the fucking bend”

And now, here’s a sneak preview of this year’s Spring collection at the New York Fashion Show

Local masochist beats self to a pulp

Dell pictured being stitched without anaesthetic at his own insistence last night

A local man with a long history of masochistic behaviour was rushed to The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon after a neighbour spotted him lying unconscious and badly self-beaten in his back yard.

Toby Dell, 54, from Berner Street, had given himself such a good hiding during a bout of self-battering that he required thirty six stitches to facial wounds and was also treated for abrasions and deep bruising to the torso and upper thighs.

Dell, who has been working himself over for more than twenty years told a Whelk reporter: “I decided I’d been a naughty boy that needed to be disciplined.

“I started with some light flagellation using a leather riding crop but got a bit carried away and ending up giving myself a thoroughly good tonking.

“I feel dreadful at being a drain on the NHS at a time when they are stretched to breaking point and will be beating the crap out of myself as a punishment as soon as I get home.”

In other related news, a 32-year-old woman with sadistic tendencies was arrested at her home last week for allegedly forcing her husband to watch three episodes of The Michael McIntyre Show while nailed to the ceiling.

FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

LOCKDOWN LATEST: Thousands of Londoners make desperate, last-minute journeys to wipe out their elderly relatives

An elderly couple in ebullient mood as their kids’ desperate dash to finish them off begins

Tens of thousands of desperate Londoners made a dash for railway and coach stations on Saturday night as the government’s imposition of strict travel curbs threatened to dash their hopes of killing their elderly relatives over the Christmas period.

While many of the central London travel hubs, such as Victoria Coach Station and St Pancras railway terminal, were overwhelmed by huge crowds – desperately trying to wipe out their parents and grandparents before the midnight deadline for the Tier 4 regulations came into being – large numbers also created huge motorway tailbacks as the race to finish off elderly loved ones reached a fever pitch.

We spoke to one would-be traveller, Toby Dell, 54, from Thrawl Street in Whitechapel, who was on his way by train to kill his 72-year-old widowed mother in Hertfordshire: “The news of travel restrictions came as a hammer blow, to be honest.

“I could see my opportunity of settling my mum’s hash once and for all slipping away and knew that I would have to do everything humanly possible to finally finish her off.

“I’m hoping to get the train to Welwyn Garden City and then walk the rest of the way so that I can spend the entire Christmas period putting her at grave risk before coming back for the New Year to hopefully wipe out my in-laws who are also knocking on a bit.

“I can’t wait to see them all fighting for breath on ventilators, to be honest”

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, called the exodus ‘irresponsible’ and called for people to ‘show common sense’.

“If people just exercise some restraint over the festive period, I’m wholly confident that this government will finish most of the old folks off via welfare cuts and a crippling period of renewed austerity anyway”

On a serious note, anybody who puts the vulnerable at risk by refusing to wear a mask or by assembling in large gatherings etc should be dragged out into the street and flogged to the bone. In our humble opinion of course – Ed

BREAKING

STOP PRESS: Whitechapel Man With No Legs Thrown Out Of Local Dance Hall For Arsing About.

BREAKING: Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s sodden knickers

A briefs respite. A delighted Kelly pictured last night.

There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by Scottish, daytime TV legend, Lorraine Kelly.

A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.

An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.

A delighted Kelly told newsmen last night: “This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things”

Just three years ago, a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants, donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eamon Holmes, were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the existing iconic bridge structure.