I’ll sacrifice a Sumatran gibbon to honour the life of Prince Philip. vows Meghan

Prince Philip and Meghan pictured in happier times before he checked out

Meghan Markle last night told reporters that she intends to sacrifice a live Sumatran gibbon on an alter in her back garden to commemorate the life of The Duke of Edinburgh, whose funeral takes place inside the grounds of Windsor Castle this afternoon.

The Duchess of Sussex, who is unable to attend in person due to her pregnancy, said: “Prince Philip was always pretty nice to me in actual fact.

“I expected him to give me a hard time over the fact that I’m mixed race but he never mentioned it once, although he did make a few jokes about fried chicken and neighbourhood gang membership.

“A friend of mine with a private zoo is supplying the gibbon and I hope to sacrifice it at the same moment that the Call To Arms is being sounded in the chapel at Windsor while he lies there in his coffin.”

The move has met with some criticism, however, with The Times of London calling it, ‘ill-advised’, while the Daily Mail, a long-term critic of The Duchess, called it, ‘A disgusting and  desperate bid to steal the limelight while at the same time increasing the plight of a critically endangered species”

In 2002, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallace Simpson, came under fire for slitting the throat of a Bahamian virgin on the steps of Westminster Abbey during the funeral service of Princess Margaret.

Six die in fires and looting as leaderless Edinburgh descends into chaos

The former Dukedom of Edinburgh pictured in bad shape last night

Six people were reported to have been killed in lawless scenes last night following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Buildings were torched and businesses and shops in Edinburgh city centre were looted as a mob consisting of people of all ages ran amok less than an hour after the ninety-nine-year-old Duke was pronounced dead.

A Scottish Police spokesman told reporters: “Prince Philip’s death has left a power vacuum that these lawless folk are exploiting.

“We are hoping that a new Duke will be appointed soon so that law and order can be restored”

During his Dukedom, Prince Philip and a small force of around fifty handpicked men armed with billy clubs and antique swords would patrol the streets of Scotland’s capital nightly, administering swift justice to any lawbreakers.

The Duke is rumoured to have personally killed over thirty miscreants during his seventy-year tenure as well as despatching countless stray cats and dogs with his elephant gun during his nightly patrols.

Tributes came flooding in following the announcement of his death yesterday afternoon, including one from Scottish pop icon, Rod Stewart who posted on his website: “The morning sun, when it’s in your face really showed your age but that didn’t worry me none, in my eyes you were everything”.

The Duke’s funeral will be next Tuesday when the press will be poised to castigate Meghan Markle for either not showing up, not looking grief-stricken enough, or for risking the lives of Will’s and Kate’s kids by having mashed avocado on toast for breakfast.

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Whitechapel E1

Fury over agony aunt who advised wife of crossdresser to ‘kick his sicko head in’

Ms Carter pictured in defiant mood last night

A newspaper agony aunt came under fire yesterday after she advised a woman to assault her husband who had revealed to her that he was a secret crossdresser.

Meg Carter, who has worked on the Whitechapel Whelk newspaper for over thirty years, told the woman in question to leave her husband and to ‘kick his sicko head in’ before doing so.

Despite clamour for her resignation, the newspaper’s editor-in-chief, Daniel Soz, 21, issued a statement defending Carter’s stance last night.

‘Meg has always been honest and forthright in her opinions and I think our readership appreciate this.

‘While we don’t condone violence in any shape or form, we’re prepared to make an exception in this weirdo’s case. At the end of the day, any male that parades around in dresses and wears women’s scanties deserves a good clump in our view’

Ms Carter was recently censured by The Press Complaints Commision after advising a female reader, who had complained about her husband’s reluctance to help out with the ironing, to batter him to death with an iron bar and throw his body into the Thames.

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir

In their smash hit single, Everybody Hurts, the beat group, REM, clearly state, ‘take comfort in your friends.
This is all well and good but what about if you’re a fat sociopathic fuck and everyone, including your own family, think you’re a weapons-grade c**t?

D. Trump
Mar A Lago
Murica

***********

Dear Sir

Carers. Buy a pair of those joke, chattering dentures, so that your elderly charges can use them to pre-chew their meat instead of you having to cut it up for them.

Betty Stable
Dar Es Salaam

**********

Dear Sir

I spotted a white youngster spitting in the street yesterday. You can bet your bottom dollar he was taught this filthy habit by immigrants. Pakistanis and the French spring immediately to mind.

P. Patel. Home Secretary
Whitehall
London W1

**********

Dear Sir

Fill your bath with tropical plants and then turn the hot tap in the sink on. If you then crawl around in the bottom of the tub you can replicate the steamy conditions experienced by British soldiers fighting the Japs in the jungle during World War II. For added authenticity, throw in a few poisonous insects and venomous snakes.

Helen Mirren
Tinsel Town
Bermondsey

**********

Dear Sir

In one of his smash hit singles, Lionel Richie extols the sensation of dancing on the ceiling.
Well I tried it yesterday and was killed instantly in the resulting heavy fall.
Come on Lionel, if that’s your idea of enjoyment I should very much like to take issue with you.

S. Wonder
Bromley By Bow
London E4

BREAKING: I’ll shift Suez Canal vessel using my big face, vows Olly Murs

Face Off. Olly and friend pictured with Whelk sub-editor, Danny Soz last night. Pic by Inchcock.

Marine engineers struggling to free the stricken cargo vessel, The Ever Given from it’s wedged position across the Suez Canal, breathed a huge sigh of relief last night as British pop icon, Olly Murs, pledged to free the ocean-going leviathan, which weighs in excess of 200,000 tonnes, using his gigantic face.

Murs flew to Egypt last night from where he told newsmen: “I intend to use my massive dial to displace water in the canal by dipping it into the stretch of water just behind the ship, causing the level to rise extremely quickly. It’s the Archimedes principle but with my face in the canal instead of his arse in the tub.

“I’m convinced that the huge displacement caused by my enormous face will cause the Ever Given to rise upwards, forcing the stern and the bow free which will give the tugs and the heavy equipment on the bank the opportunity to haul her around until she’s facing the right direction.”

The Egyptian president, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, was full of praise for the Dance With Me star last night,

“My country has been losing over twenty million pounds a day in lost revenue, so Olly’s intervention has been a massive boost and a real Godsend.

“The sooner he gets his enormous, moon face into that water the better as far as I’m concerned”

If successful, this will be the biggest marine rescue operation since pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, used his gigantic, high-waisted trousers to haul a stricken, Russian nuclear submarine from the bottom of The Bering Strait in 1997.

Local man feels trapped by FB friends request from complete twat from his past

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a Facebook friends request from a man he used to associate with in his late teens and early twenties but who he always considered to be an utter twat has left him feeling cornered and conflicted.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Berner Street, told us: “I got this friends request from the bloke last week and my heart sank, to be honest.

“The man was a real chump back then and I only knocked about with him because he had a few quid to buy drinks and I was banging his sister.

“I’m now living in fear that he’ll be coming on my statuses and showing me up like shit in front of my mates and family members.

“He’s already added my missus, but she’s told me to accept his request and then tweak my account so that he can’t see any of my posts.

“That sounds a bit too complicated so I’m going to send him a quick message on WhatsApp, telling him that I’m close to death and don’t want him to be upset when he learns on FB that I’ve fallen off the perch in a week or two”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Poplar sent an irritating would-be Facebook friend a photoshopped image of himself hanging from a noose attached to a light fitting, accompanied by a message from his wife, informing the man that her husband had taken his own life due to being wanted by the police on several murder charges.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece try telling the person concerned that you’re a massive Donald Trump fan. That usually gets rid of most people although not the complete, mentally sub-normal arseoles – Ed

HARRY AND MEGHAN LATEST

FREE INSIDE: Our handy guide to castigating Meghan Markle in front of friends without revealing you’re a stone-cold white supremacist.

I’ll crack walnuts between my butt cheeks to show support for Meghan, says Pippa Middleton

Nutcracker sweet. Pippa proudly displaying the buns of steel that wowed the entire nation

In a gesture of support for the underfire Duchess of Sussex, Pippa Middleton, the pert-bottomed sister of future Queen of England, Kate, has told friends that she intends to crack an entire quarter-pound bag of walnuts between the cheeks of her buttocks outside swanky, top people’s store, Harrods, next Tuesday afternoon in protest at Meghan’s treatment by the media.

A close friend of the powerfully-cheeked, ‘almost-royal’ told The Whelk: “Pippa’s really upset by the treatment that Meghan is receiving from the press on both sides of the Atlantic and wants to show her support.

“Also, she doesn’t like the way that Kate is getting all the attention these days, now that nobody’s talking about Pippa’s arse like they used to in the months after Wills and Kate got spliced.

“By cracking walnuts in her bum crack while holding a pro-Megs banner she’ll be able to show her support for Meghan, while, at the same time, draw people’s attention once more to her cracking set of buns”

Pippa’s protest is not entirely without royal precedent.

In May 1966, Princess Margaret, showed her opposition to the Labour government of Harold Wilson by removing her underwear at The State Opening of Parliament and shooting the entire contents of a packet of KP dry roast peanuts from her vaginal passage as the Prime Minister took up his seat in The House of Commons.