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US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

trump batman

A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.

BBC’s Maitlis escapes death from falling anvil: Prince Andrew held

anvil

Journalist and broadcaster, Emily Maitlis, had a narrow escape yesterday when a blacksmith’s anvil crashed to the ground, missing her head by inches, as she was leaving her office at the BBC headquarters in Portland Place, West London.

Police quickly arrived on the scene and began a search on the roof of the building where they found Prince Andrew crouching behind a lift shaft.

The troubled royal was then arrested and led away by armed officers before being taken to nearby Ebury Bridge police station where he is being held in police custody on suspicion of attempted murder.

Speculation is rife that Andrew may have been seeking revenge on the journalist after his disastrous televised interview in December 2019, when he denied having illicit sex with a minor by claiming that he was in a pizza parlour with his children when the alleged assault had taken place.

One eye witness to the arrest was forklift truck driver, Toby Dell, 27, from East London, who told reporters: “I saw two coppers dragging Prince Andrew towards the police car and bundling him into the back.

“He was effing and blinding and shouting the odds about being above the law and that he was going to tell The Queen if they didn’t let him go.

“I caught a glimpse of him as the motor sped past. and I have to say, that if what he says about being incapable of sweating is true, then somebody must have thrown a bucket of water over his swede because he was absolutely dripping”

Maitlis was shaken but unharmed following the incident and told reporters: “I knew he was a slippery little bastard but I didn’t expect this one”

In an ironic twist, if the Duke of York is found guilty, he will serve time in one of Her Majesty’s prisons, often referred to by inmates as, The Windsor Hotel.

Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs schooled me in love says Vigo Mortensen

vigo
Mortensen (right) pictured returning from his one hour of exercise with a socially distanced new squeeze last night

Danish/American heartthrob actor, Vigo Mortensen, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Mrs Bridges, the formidable cook out of the popular 70s period drama, Upstairs Downstairs, engaged in a steamy romp with the young actor during a brief stay in London in 1972.

“I was a shy teenager when I arrived in London for a two-week holiday,” he told us. “But thanks to Mrs Bridges, I went home a skilled lover and feeling ten-feet tall.

“It began after Mrs Bridges spotted me in a cafe in Cable Street in East London

“She came and sat at my table and began to tell me that she was the cook in Upstairs Downstairs and was making over two-hundred pounds a week.

“She was a big woman but there was something about her that lit a fire within me and I didn’t hesitate when she asked me back to her place in Lambeth Palace Road.

“Within minutes of getting inside, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

“She was still wearing her cook’s outfit and I had to struggle to undo her pinny at the back.

“Moments later, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“At the height of her passion, she kept calling out, “How many for dinner tonight, Mr ‘udson?”

“I left the following morning after she’d cooked me a hearty breakfast of devilled kidneys, lightly poached quails eggs, accompanied by petit fours and grilled artichoke hearts in a piquant tomato and basil sauce.

“She taught me to love that night, and to this very day, if I catch an old episode of Upstairs Downstairs on UK Gold, I have to stumble hurriedly from the room and pleasure myself to completion, my mind filled with fevered thoughts of her ample bosom and delicious whipped creampie”

Sadly, Mrs Bridges passed away in 1974, but a family member told us that she often spoke fondly of Mortensen and would remark that he’d probably play Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings one day.

Public should alternate face mask-wearing at five-minute intervals says Health Minister

man in black suit jacket and woman in white dress

In a bid to end the widespread confusion over the efficacy of wearing face masks to alleviate the spread of covid-19, the Secretary of State for Health, Matt Hancock, has suggested that they are worn and then removed by the public at five-minute intervals.

Speaking at yesterday’s media briefing, Hancock said: “The wisdom, or lack thereof, of wearing face masks in the current emergency appears to be a bit of a grey area among the experts, with some for and some against the concept.

“This government have therefore decided that it would probably be in the best interests of the general public if masks were worn for five-minutes and then removed for a further five and so on.

“The only people who would be obliged to wear masks for long periods are NHS staff while on duty and Ann Widdecombe whenever she’s out in public”

Hancock then went on to say that surgical scrubs, protective visors, and other items of protective equipment, were being rushed out to hospitals and care homes as fast as is humanly possible, but in the meantime clinicians and nursing staff would have to make do with wearing their dressing gowns, pants, and shower caps while dealing with confirmed covid patients.

“They can always give their hands a bit of a wash afterwards”, he told newsmen.

Whitechapel High Street collapses: Jogger ‘shock waves’ to blame says council

D 1300
The High Street pictured in happier times before the disastrous collapse

Emergency services were called to Whitechapel High Street last night when the entire street, from The Royal London Hospital to Aldgate East tube station, collapsed into rubble leaving business owners and residents in shock.

Tower Hamlets Council has blamed the disaster on the existential increase in joggers who have been pounding the pavements since the coronavirus lockdown began almost four weeks ago.

A council spokesman told us: “Some of these buildings are over a hundred years old, so it’s small wonder that they collapsed due to the shock waves all these joggers have produced.

One resident, Toby Dell, 45, who lives on the corner of the High Street and Commercial Street, said: “I’d just hopped into bed with the missus and was about to turn off the bedside lamp when I heard this rumbling.

“The next thing I knew, we’d crashed through the ceiling and were back downstairs in the lounge covered in debris and plaster.

“I mean to say, you don’t expect it do you?”

In other related news; the NHS has announced they’re on the point of collapse due to the number of joggers turning up at A&E with sprained ankles, stress fractures, and joggers’ nipple.

Local woman slams partner’s ‘pathetic’ performance after semaphore sex romp

sema

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend’s sexual performance, branding it, ‘pathetic’, after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told a Whelk reporter: “We’d not been able to meet up for regular sex due to the lockdown, so I hit upon the idea of doing it by semaphore from the roofs of our blocks of flats which are quite close to each other.

“I made a real effort on the night. I did my hair and makeup and put on a revealing, off the shoulder cocktail dress before going up to the roof

“I knew he was impressed because he started signalling in an excited manner as soon as he saw me, but I was more interested in the long game, so I signalled that I was putting my dressing gown on to keep the cold out.

“He slowed down a bit then but as soon as I signalled that I was climbing into bed he began signalling furiously. At one point he was going so fast I couldn’t even make out what he was saying.

“Suddenly his flags went limp at his sides and I could see that he was lighting a cigarette.

“I signalled that I could wait another half an hour but he wasn’t interested.

“He then gave the standard signing off signal and left the roof.

“A bit later, I had a look through my binoculars and spotted him in his flat on his Playstation. Absolutely pathetic”

Miss Dell’s revelations come just a week after a 22-year-old woman from neighbouring Aldgate complained that her boyfriend, who had been drinking heavily in his flat in Spitalfields, was unable to gain an erection, despite the fact that she told him she was wearing a French maid’s outfit via Morse code.

Family of five eaten after local lion-tamer worked from home

brown lion eating meat
Dave the lion pictured enjoying a family member during yesterday’s carnage

Tragedy struck in a quiet Whitechapel Street yesterday when a circus lion that was being kept in a garden shed by its keeper killed and ate the man’s wife and four children.

Lion-tamer, Toby Dell, 42, from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter that he’d been working from home due to the lockdown and that the beast called Dave had escaped while he was out on his daily exercise.

A visibly shaken Mr Dell told us: “I can’t believe this has happened, to be honest.

“I came back from my half-hour walk and found the place empty.

“I looked everywhere but there was no sign of the wife and kids.

“Then I went out into the garden and spotted all these bones strewn around.

The shed door was wide open and Dave was fast asleep, laying in a sunny spot on the patio

“I knew it was the wife and kids because Dave had spat their clothes out. I suppose he didn’t want to get the material stuck in his throat.

“I realise I probably shouldn’t have brought him home but I didn’t want him turning wild during the lockdown after all my hard work down the years in taming him.”

Following the incident, the lion was shot with a tranquiliser dart and removed to a safari park where he has reportedly killed a roe deer, several local dogs and attacked a family of three in their Toyota Prius.

Amanda Holden addresses the nation

amanda the sentinel

In a welcome move aimed at bolstering morale and raising flagging spirits during the current emergency, TV personality and conspiracy enthusiast, Amanda Holden, last night gave a live TV address to the nation, during which she urged members of the public to avoid standing under, death-dealing lampposts which emit the covid-19 virus and to avoid handling the new twenty pound notes which feature a small lighthouse hologram that she assures us also bombards handlers with deadly 5G coronavirus rays.

Speaking from a tinfoil-lined shed at an undisclosed location, the 89-year-old, Britain’s Got Talent stalwart, said: “This is a time of great trial for our nation, a time when we all have to forgo some creature comforts, such as eating and having our weekly botox shots.

“However, there are some out there for whom the lockdown is proving to be a great boon and a highly-profitable period of plenty .

“I am, of course, talking about the Jewish bankers, the Illuminati and the Grey Aliens, who are making bundles of cash while the rest of us make great sacrifices

“I can only urge you all to avoid any of the new 5G lampposts and the virus-impregnated twenty-pound notes until this is all blown over and we get back to normality”

After her address, Holden, who was forced to withdraw a 5G conspiracy-related tweet yesterday, failed to respond to media questions on why a serving soldier in the Falkland Islands has become a victim despite there being no new-style lamposts for 12000 miles and why people in India are dropping like flies despite not knowing a twenty-pound note from a knee in the groin.

If, like Amanda, you believe that 5G will give us all halitosis and vaginal dryness (mine’s particularly shocking today), give your head a little wobble and throw yourself off the nearest bridge – Ed

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