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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Category

Literature

I’ll cull all self-published authors, vows Home Secretary

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Some self-published books pictured in their rightful place last night

In what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, last night announced a two-year plan that will see eight million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are scrawling down a load of old toot and flogging it on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Patel told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control. The Office for National Statistics has advised the government that almost 89% of the population now have a truly horrendous novel or an alarmingly inept anthology of abysmal poetry up for sale and we must put a stop to it before Britain’s proud literary history is totally swamped by this vile effluent. It’s what Lord Byron and W. Somerset Maugham would have wanted”

It is believed that bear traps will be used to ensnare the perpetrators before they are dispatched, either with a bolt gun or by having their necks snapped by specially-trained published authors, literary critics, and historians from The British Library.

If you’re a self-published writer and feel threatened by this recent move, we suggest you leave the country post haste, or, alternatively, change your name and deny all knowledge of your horrendous example of literary filth when they come round to kill you – Ed

SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.

CHILDREN’S CLASSICS

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The Cockney Five appears courtesy of, The British Diabolical Slags & Saucy Fackin’ Liberty-Takers Children’s Library.

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

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A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

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Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

CLASSIC LITERATURE

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NEXT WEEK: The little Trump supporters lynch a family of wetbacks on the front porch

LIFESTYLE

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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece I strongly suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself – Ed

LOVE & LIFESTYLE

gay vet

If you’ve been affected by any of the implied issues raised by this spoof book cover, particularly with regard to members of the animal kingdom, please leave your name and address at our office in Whitechapel High Street and we’ll pass it on to the authorities – Ed

Pulp Friction

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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues reflected in this graphic, please contact:

The I’ve Been Affected By A Comic Book Cover Advisory Council (Dick Section)

22 Throbber Street

Whitechapel E1

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