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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Category

Literature

CHILDREN’S CLASSICS

five

The Cockney Five appears courtesy of, The British Diabolical Slags & Saucy Fackin’ Liberty-Takers Children’s Library.

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Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

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A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

CLASSIC LITERATURE

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NEXT WEEK: The little Trump supporters lynch a family of wetbacks on the front porch

LIFESTYLE

house on the prairie

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece I strongly suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself – Ed

LOVE & LIFESTYLE

gay vet

If you’ve been affected by any of the implied issues raised by this spoof book cover, particularly with regard to members of the animal kingdom, please leave your name and address at our office in Whitechapel High Street and we’ll pass it on to the authorities – Ed

Pulp Friction

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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues reflected in this graphic, please contact:

The I’ve Been Affected By A Comic Book Cover Advisory Council (Dick Section)

22 Throbber Street

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Self-Published Children’s Books Corner

Asshole bunny

A thoroughly charming and fun-filled book that will be popular with the little ones and Trump supporters alike – The New Stateman

My little altar boys loved it – Father Tobias O’Dell, Editor-in-Chief, Catholic Boys Monthly

I sat on Daddy’s knee and read it to him last night before tucking him up in bed. He really seemed to enjoy it. – Ivanka Trump

Not enough sex and nude birds in it – The Bishop of Lambeth

I couldn’t understand some of the long words – The Times Higher Educational Supplement

We haven’t been paid yet – Flatterem and Fleeceum, Self Publishers to the Stars

Sherlock Homophobe: The Anti-Gay and Lesbian Victorian Detective

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The scene is a small coffee house opposite 221B Hetero Street in Whitechapel, East London, the home of the renowned sleuth and towering bigot, Sherlock Homophobe. The great man is seated at a table close to the window when his staunch friend and assistant, Dr John Mincing, enters in a state of great excitement.

Mincing – I say Homophobe; I’ve just received a most singular letter from a young baronet in Cornwall. He has just taken up residence in his ancestral home from where he writes.

It’s the most deucedly odd thing, but he claims there have been several sightings of an enormous spectral hound roaming the nearby moors.

I think we should investigate further and without delay. Make haste, old friend, let us not tarry, for I fear time is of the very essence!

Homophobe – Stop trying to gay me up you infernal bottomist! I can see by the swollen aspect of your trouser frontage that you are already in a state of high arousal.

There can be very little doubt that you now expect me to perform a lewd and unlawful act on your person, after which you will no doubt expect me to subject to buggery in the gentleman’s retreats.

Your mien is that of a slavering satyr and your desires are no better than those of a common beast of the field, sirrah. Now get out before I call a constable and have you flung into Newgate!

Mincing – !!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: Homophobe accuses Mincing of masturbating into his violin case

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