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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Local woman found hanged following shock-induced flatulence incident

Colonie gas leak cleaned up after major rupture

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on the previous evening when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was that she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers as she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl from neighbouring Spitalfields threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after repeatedly failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown, only managing to reduce it to a ‘peeper’.

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

gay superman

Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

‘Desperate for love’ local woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner

neato_botvac_d7_connected_main

A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told The Whelk that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, told us: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.

“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.

“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.

“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.

“We would sieze stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.

“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.

“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.

“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told us: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and gasping but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”

Local girl found dead following gently corrective toe-trainer humiliation

toe
A toe-trainer pictured last night

A 19-year-old Whitechapel woman took her own life after her boyfriend launched a bitter attack when he discovered that she was using a gently corrective toe-trainer to straighten a defective little toe that was slightly out of alignment with the one next to it.

The deceased girl, Cherie Carter, a beautician from Thrawl Street, was founded hanged in her bedroom at the weekend.

She had previously told a friend that her boyfriend reacted furiously when he discovered the device on the bedroom floor after spending the night with her last Monday.

Tracy Dell, 18, from Commercial Street, told The Whelk: “When Cherie’s fella found the toe-trainer he went ballistic apparently.

“According to Cherie, he was a bit of a weirdo with a thing for women’s feet and I suppose the realisation that she needed an artificial aid to keep hers in shape was a big disappointment and he lost the plot.

“Hopefully, now that she’s killed herself, he’ll feel guilty about his behaviour and carry the burden of her death to his grave”

This incident comes almost a year to the day after a 23-year-old Shoreditch woman drowned herself in the Thames at Wapping Dock when her fiance broke off their engagement after finding that she wore a built-up shoe to disguise the fact that she had one leg shorter than the other.

Local man felt brief and very fleeting interest in girlfriend’s relationship discussion 

boy girl

A 35-year-old man from Whitechapel last night claimed to have experienced a brief moment of vague interest during a heart to heart talk with his girlfriend, who wished to discuss where their relationship was going.

Toby Dell, a motor vehicle technician from Berner Street revealed:

“It was last Saturday night and I was looking forward to Match Of The Day when my girlfriend, suddenly and without warning, began to discuss our relationship and her hopes and fears for our future together.

“Naturally, I zoned out immediately and started wondering about the number of cans of beer I had left in the fridge. I even got up and checked at one point to set my mind at rest.

“However, as soon as I sat back down she began talking about how our relationship had developed over the last year and how she hoped we could move up to a new level if we really committed to each other and learned to concentrate on the important things.

“It was when she began to reminisce about how we’d first met that I suddenly felt a fleeting moment of interest.

“I began to vaguely recall how I’d dumped my previous girlfriend to take up with her, and started to wonder if I still had those pics of my ex in her underwear on my phone.

“I had a quick check to make sure and fortunately, they were still there. I sighed with relief and began to mentally go over the day’s football results as my girlfriend moved on to how she sometimes felt taken for granted and unimportant.

“Luckily, she had just started to talk about her best friend’s wonderful relationship, and how she and her fiance were planning a June wedding, when the match started and I was able to send her out to get me another beer while I put the headphones on to listen to the commentary in peace”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a man from Sheffield claimed to have expressed a half-hearted opinion on interior decor when his girlfriend told him she was thinking of painting the downstairs toilet.

Local woman divorces ‘disabled’ husband after carrying him upstairs every night for thirty-four years

divorce cake

A 62-year-old Whitechapel woman is divorcing her husband of thirty-four years after discovering that he had been faking the inability to walk since they returned from their honeymoon in 1987, resulting in her having to carry him upstairs on her back ever since.

Tracy Dell from Thrawl Street, told us: “I’ve been terribly naive. I should have realised he was faking as soon as he asked me to carry him upstairs when we got back from our honeymoon.

“He told me that the doctor had diagnosed a muscle-wasting disease that made it tricky for him to climb the stairs.

“I was young and in love and I believed him and have been carrying him upstairs every night ever since.

“I even built a kind of sledge which he would climb into at the bottom of the stairs and I would pull him up by hauling on a rope, but as I got older, I became too weak to do it and kept losing my grip which used to send him flying down into the paraffin heater in the hall.

“I only found out he was lying when I came home early from work last week with a headache and heard him having a shit in the upstairs loo after I’d left him downstairs in the kitchen eating his breakfast.

“At least I didn’t have to carry him down in the mornings as he used to do it himself by sliding down the stairs on a tea tray into some cushions.”

A Whelk reporter confronted the man, Toby Dell, 65, as he was being pushed around a local shopping centre in a wheelchair by a young woman, but he fled from our questioning by sprinting up a nearby escalator, going in the wrong direction.

Local woman found dead following shock-induced flatulence incident

Gas leak background, 3D rendering, rough street sign collection

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on Monday when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was, she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers when she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown.

Local man falls in love with suction hook

hook

A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook in his kitchen and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends devastated after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

stay-safe-stay-home
That’s easy for them to say

A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told this newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told us: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had begun to masturbate furiously, eventually blowing my custard all over the screen and keyboard

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt used and dirty and I just know that this will haunt me for the rest my life”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to make love to himself while he watched during a 7-day self-isolation period.

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