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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

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LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

brexit man

NEXT WEEK: Brexit Man tries to win Tina back after his new girl calls Jacob Rees-Mogg, ‘a toffee-nosed arseole”

PULP POLITICS

pulp brexit

BREXIT UPDATE: It’s still a complete shitshow but not quite as complete and spectacular a shitshow as they are currently watching unfold in The United States of America.

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

See the source image

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Number of attractive women desperate to have sex with losers from the internet set to soar in 2019

pretty girls
Attractive women, some with brazen watermarks signalling their desperation, pictured in predatory mood last night

A recent report suggests that the number of women who are desperately keen to sleep with random men who make contact with them on the internet is set to soar in 2019.

This spells bad news for men right across the globe who are already under siege from the barrage of attractive women, desperate to have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry that makes contact with them online, irrespective of looks, weight, disposition or personal hygiene.

A spokesman for Cambridge University in England, who conducted the survey, said last night: “Already we have seen a huge upsurge in the numbers of women who are mad keen on getting down to business with no-mark douchebags and unsavoury chancers who sidle up to them online and make inappropriate remarks.

“Our findings indicate that the vast majority of these women are already naked, or, at the very least, scantily clad in French maid’s outfits, when they go online, desperate to find some unwashed limpdick scumbag to give them the good news”

These latest findings mirror those of a recent survey conducted by The University of London which revealed that Britain’s full-breasted beauties are desperately keen to be sent a lot more pictures of men’s penises.

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

limehouse
A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

Wife became nauseated by husband’s nasal hair issues during talk about Trump

Nose-Hair
Nasal and Aural hair. Attractive or a turn-off? Your call.

A 25-year-old East London woman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she was filled with disgust and righteous fury at her husband’s protruding nasal hair during a brief discussion at their home about United States President, Donald Trump.

Speaking to us from her home in Thrawl Street in Spitalfields, Tracy Dell, told us: “He was explaining to me that President Trump is not as bad as people say.

“He was saying that he gets a raw deal from the left-leaning media and that he’s just a hardworking president, trying to do his best for the country he loves.

“After a few minutes, I noticed that he had these black hairs sticking out of both nostrils.

“I felt sick to my stomach, to be honest with you.

“It’s one thing to be married to a half-witted bigot, but when the bloke’s a hairy-nosed arsehole as well, it goes beyond the pale”

Mrs Dell plans to divorce her husband as soon as possible and has now entered into a sexual relationship with an extreme left-wing activist from neighbouring Shoreditch, for whom she has already bought a battery-powered nose groomer.

LOVE & LIFESTYLE

gay vet

If you’ve been affected by any of the implied issues raised by this spoof book cover, particularly with regard to members of the animal kingdom, please leave your name and address at our office in Whitechapel High Street and we’ll pass it on to the authorities – Ed

Pulp Friction

dick 2

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues reflected in this graphic, please contact:

The I’ve Been Affected By A Comic Book Cover Advisory Council (Dick Section)

22 Throbber Street

Whitechapel E1

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