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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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love

Local woman divorces ‘disabled’ husband after carrying him upstairs every night for thirty-four years

divorce cake

A 62-year-old Whitechapel woman is divorcing her husband of thirty-four years after discovering that he had been faking the inability to walk since they returned from their honeymoon in 1987, resulting in her having to carry him upstairs on her back ever since.

Tracy Dell from Thrawl Street, told us: “I’ve been terribly naive. I should have realised he was faking as soon as he asked me to carry him upstairs when we got back from our honeymoon.

“He told me that the doctor had diagnosed a muscle-wasting disease that made it tricky for him to climb the stairs.

“I was young and in love and I believed him and have been carrying him upstairs every night ever since.

“I even built a kind of sledge which he would climb into at the bottom of the stairs and I would pull him up by hauling on a rope, but as I got older, I became too weak to do it and kept losing my grip which used to send him flying down into the paraffin heater in the hall.

“I only found out he was lying when I came home early from work last week with a headache and heard him having a shit in the upstairs loo after I’d left him downstairs in the kitchen eating his breakfast.

“At least I didn’t have to carry him down in the mornings as he used to do it himself by sliding down the stairs on a tea tray into some cushions.”

A Whelk reporter confronted the man, Toby Dell, 65, as he was being pushed around a local shopping centre in a wheelchair by a young woman, but he fled from our questioning by sprinting up a nearby escalator, going in the wrong direction.

Local woman found dead following shock-induced flatulence incident

Gas leak background, 3D rendering, rough street sign collection

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on Monday when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was, she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers when she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown.

Local man falls in love with suction hook

hook

A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook in his kitchen and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends devastated after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

stay-safe-stay-home
That’s easy for them to say

A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told this newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told us: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had begun to masturbate furiously, eventually blowing my custard all over the screen and keyboard

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt used and dirty and I just know that this will haunt me for the rest my life”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to make love to himself while he watched during a 7-day self-isolation period.

Kim Mystery: Did North Korean despot take own life after bungled suicide pact with Lorraine Kelly

LorraineKellywiki
A heartbroken Kelly pictured last night

Speculation over the rumoured death of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, reached fever pitch last night when news broke that the 39-year-old despot may have taken cyanide in a failed suicide love pact with, Scottish, breakfast TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly.

A source from inside the secretive state told Reuters: “Kim and Lorraine have been an item for well over 6-months after he spotted her interviewing Harry Styles on his private telly and asked her out on a date via Tinder.

“The Dear Leader was absolutely besotted and it’s believed that he suggested that they take their own lives in a suicide pact after she told him they could never be together because of her work on Good Morning.

“He was found dead on Saturday morning with a picture of Lorraine interviewing Tom Hanks clutched to his chest”

Kelly spoke briefly to reporters outside her London home last night: “Yes, Kim and I were an item for a while but I told him there was no future in it.

“As for a suicide pact, I had no knowledge of it as I’ve deliberately not been reading his texts.

“Dead you say? Och, the puir wee thing”

In 1998, the murderous Cambodian tyrant, Pol Pot, was rumoured to have shot himself when he was knocked back after sending a date request to Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs schooled me in love says Vigo Mortensen

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Mortensen (right) pictured returning from his one hour of exercise with a socially distanced new squeeze last night

Danish/American heartthrob actor, Vigo Mortensen, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Mrs Bridges, the formidable cook out of the popular 70s period drama, Upstairs Downstairs, engaged in a steamy romp with the young actor during a brief stay in London in 1972.

“I was a shy teenager when I arrived in London for a two-week holiday,” he told us. “But thanks to Mrs Bridges, I went home a skilled lover and feeling ten-feet tall.

“It began after Mrs Bridges spotted me in a cafe in Cable Street in East London

“She came and sat at my table and began to tell me that she was the cook in Upstairs Downstairs and was making over two-hundred pounds a week.

“She was a big woman but there was something about her that lit a fire within me and I didn’t hesitate when she asked me back to her place in Lambeth Palace Road.

“Within minutes of getting inside, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

“She was still wearing her cook’s outfit and I had to struggle to undo her pinny at the back.

“Moments later, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“At the height of her passion, she kept calling out, “How many for dinner tonight, Mr ‘udson?”

“I left the following morning after she’d cooked me a hearty breakfast of devilled kidneys, lightly poached quails eggs, accompanied by petit fours and grilled artichoke hearts in a piquant tomato and basil sauce.

“She taught me to love that night, and to this very day, if I catch an old episode of Upstairs Downstairs on UK Gold, I have to stumble hurriedly from the room and pleasure myself to completion, my mind filled with fevered thoughts of her ample bosom and delicious whipped creampie”

Sadly, Mrs Bridges passed away in 1974, but a family member told us that she often spoke fondly of Mortensen and would remark that he’d probably play Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings one day.

Local man falls in love with suction hook

hook

A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends stunned after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

Virgil out of Thunderbirds stole my innocence: Local woman’s shock claim

Virgil_20Tracy_large
F.A.B.! The saucy pilot pictured in the olden days.

A 74-year-old woman from Whitechapel has revealed that she lost her virginity to Thunderbirds 2 pilot, Virgil Tracy, weeks after starting a job as a cleaning lady at the International Rescue HQ, Tracy Island in 1967.

Mary Terry, a widow from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “Virgil came onto me a couple of days after I started the job.

“He was very charming and persuasive and I fell head over heels

” He took me out for a number of Sunday afternoon spins in Thunderbird 2 and even took me up into space in Thunderbird 3 when Alan was away on holiday with Tintin.

“He once let me have a go at driving The Mole but had to take the wheel back when I got too close to the centre of the Earth’s core.

“Then one night, after we’d had a few beers from the fridge, he started kissing me.

“Before I knew it, we were rolling around in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“Our affair lasted a few months and then, one night after sex, he chucked me.

“He told me that he still loved me but that his dad, Mr Tracy, had told him that being with me was affecting his work.

“Apparently, his dad had bollocked him about a recent fuck-up when Virgil had loaded the wrong pod into Thunderbird 2 and had deployed a number of trucks with hydraulic rams instead of Thunderbird 4 while on a rescue mission at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

“I quit the job shortly after and started working as a cleaning lady for Joe 90 who was too young to have sex with”

Mrs Terry’s revelation comes just a week after a 60-year-old woman from Bow revealed that, in 1967, she’d had group sex with 5 Mysterons while Captain Scarlet watched.

Whitechapel Plumbing Ltd: For All Your Plumbing & Sexual Needs

lumbing

As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues. Only last week I received the following email from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether and needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Whitechapel Plumbing

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water which was falling onto the flat roof of the porch and making a hell of a racket. I ran inside to fetch my husband but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders, and a pair of thigh-length rubber fisherman’s waders.

He was also wearing an old gasmask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

It was then that I noticed he had a noose fastened around his neck which he’d lashed to a roof beam and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and cries of pleasure that he was abusing himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately, he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since this terrible day, I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti-depressants which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low.

Things have now reached a point where I can’t look at him without retching violently and I have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life so that I may find some kind of respite from this living hell.

Please, please help me if you can, Whitechapel Plumbing. I just don’t know who else I can turn to.

Tracy Dell

Vallance Road

London E1

********************

Dear Tracy

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble-free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / I’m Too Tiny For Love

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross-Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By His Demands

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