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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Meghan may have been military advisor to Serb monster, Mladic, says Daily Mail

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In an exclusive piece in today’s Daily Mail, the newspaper makes the shocking claim that the Duchess of Sussex may have been a military advisor to convicted Serbian war criminal, Ratko Mladic, dubbed, The Butcher Of Bosnia, who oversaw atrocities inflicted on the Bosnian Muslims, Croats, and other non-Serbs in the early 90s.

The Mail makes the damning accusation, citing the fact that little was known of Meghan Markle – as she was known back when Mladic was committing war crimes.

“It’s highly probable that Markle was behind many of these attrocitities,” says the newspaper.

“Mladic could never have engineered the killings of civilians in Sarajevo and places like that without help, and attention-seeking Markle has to be high on the list of probable accomplices.

“She may have thought that she could get a book deal out of it at some point, or even a TV exclusive with Oprah Winfrey on prime time television.”

Mladic, currently serving a life sentence for genocide in The Hague, allegedly refused to deny the allegation when questioned by a Mail reporter last Tuesday.

The shock claim comes almost 27 years after The Daily Express newspaper’s 1996 claim that Princess Diana was a close associate of brutal Ugandan despot, Idi Amin, during his murderous reign of terror in the 1970s.

However, the newspaper retracted the claim a year later when the princess was killed in a car crash and the news media had to like her again.

Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

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There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

Harry and Meghan’s newborn has 1 in 100 chance of becoming a crazed axe-murderer, says Daily Mail

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Have they bred a monster? Harry and Meghan striking a demonic pose for snappers earlier

In a shocking and hard-hitting editorial yesterday, the Daily Mail newspaper has revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s latest child has a one in a hundred chance of becoming a psychotic monster, that will at some point run amok with an axe, slaughtering every living creature in its path.

In its editorial yesterday, The Mail pointed to largely discredited statistics provided by a controversial American psychiatrist in 1953 which vaguely suggest that one per cent of the world’s population may display psychopathic tendencies on occasion.

Despite worldwide scepticism and condemnation of the findings by psychiatric bodies worldwide, The Mail points out: “This study is spot-on as far as we are concerned and the British public need to be aware that The Sussexes have potentially unleashed a killer onto the streets of this nation.

“Make no mistake, this mixed-race child is a massive threat to innocent, and still, largely-white, members of the public and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if this dusky-complexioned progeny of an unnatural marriage doesn’t embark on a crazed trail of bloody destruction armed with an axe at some point.

“We know for a fact, for instance, that The Queen is so alarmed by the prospect of being slashed and then slaughtered by this, black-as-the-ace-of-spades baby when it grows up, she has called for a special cage to be built inside Buckingham Palace so that the negroid-featured child can be restrained when it comes over for a visit with its darkie mother – when she can drag herself away from Marxist, BLM rallies and fried chicken-eating competitions that is”

In today’s leader, The Mail speculates on, what they see as, the increasing likelihood of both of William and Kate’s ‘reassuringly caucasian’ youngsters becoming living saints that will be borne unto Heaven by pink-cheeked, Aryan cherubim and seraphim at some point.

I’ll sacrifice a Sumatran gibbon to honour the life of Prince Philip. vows Meghan

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Prince Philip and Meghan pictured in happier times before he checked out

Meghan Markle last night told reporters that she intends to sacrifice a live Sumatran gibbon on an alter in her back garden to commemorate the life of The Duke of Edinburgh, whose funeral takes place inside the grounds of Windsor Castle this afternoon.

The Duchess of Sussex, who is unable to attend in person due to her pregnancy, said: “Prince Philip was always pretty nice to me in actual fact.

“I expected him to give me a hard time over the fact that I’m mixed race but he never mentioned it once, although he did make a few jokes about fried chicken and neighbourhood gang membership.

“A friend of mine with a private zoo is supplying the gibbon and I hope to sacrifice it at the same moment that the Call To Arms is being sounded in the chapel at Windsor while he lies there in his coffin.”

The move has met with some criticism, however, with The Times of London calling it, ‘ill-advised’, while the Daily Mail, a long-term critic of The Duchess, called it, ‘A disgusting and  desperate bid to steal the limelight while at the same time increasing the plight of a critically endangered species”

In 2002, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallace Simpson, came under fire for slitting the throat of a Bahamian virgin on the steps of Westminster Abbey during the funeral service of Princess Margaret.

Local man feels trapped by FB friends request from complete twat from his past

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a Facebook friends request from a man he used to associate with in his late teens and early twenties but who he always considered to be an utter twat has left him feeling cornered and conflicted.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Berner Street, told us: “I got this friends request from the bloke last week and my heart sank, to be honest.

“The man was a real chump back then and I only knocked about with him because he had a few quid to buy drinks and I was banging his sister.

“I’m now living in fear that he’ll be coming on my statuses and showing me up like shit in front of my mates and family members.

“He’s already added my missus, but she’s told me to accept his request and then tweak my account so that he can’t see any of my posts.

“That sounds a bit too complicated so I’m going to send him a quick message on WhatsApp, telling him that I’m close to death and don’t want him to be upset when he learns on FB that I’ve fallen off the perch in a week or two”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Poplar sent an irritating would-be Facebook friend a photoshopped image of himself hanging from a noose attached to a light fitting, accompanied by a message from his wife, informing the man that her husband had taken his own life due to being wanted by the police on several murder charges.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece try telling the person concerned that you’re a massive Donald Trump fan. That usually gets rid of most people although not the complete, mentally sub-normal arseoles – Ed

HARRY AND MEGHAN LATEST

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FREE INSIDE: Our handy guide to castigating Meghan Markle in front of friends without revealing you’re a stone-cold white supremacist.

I’ll crack walnuts between my butt cheeks to show support for Meghan, says Pippa Middleton

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Nutcracker sweet. Pippa proudly displaying the buns of steel that wowed the entire nation

In a gesture of support for the underfire Duchess of Sussex, Pippa Middleton, the pert-bottomed sister of future Queen of England, Kate, has told friends that she intends to crack an entire quarter-pound bag of walnuts between the cheeks of her buttocks outside swanky, top people’s store, Harrods, next Tuesday afternoon in protest at Meghan’s treatment by the media.

A close friend of the powerfully-cheeked, ‘almost-royal’ told The Whelk: “Pippa’s really upset by the treatment that Meghan is receiving from the press on both sides of the Atlantic and wants to show her support.

“Also, she doesn’t like the way that Kate is getting all the attention these days, now that nobody’s talking about Pippa’s arse like they used to in the months after Wills and Kate got spliced.

“By cracking walnuts in her bum crack while holding a pro-Megs banner she’ll be able to show her support for Meghan, while, at the same time, draw people’s attention once more to her cracking set of buns”

Pippa’s protest is not entirely without royal precedent.

In May 1966, Princess Margaret, showed her opposition to the Labour government of Harold Wilson by removing her underwear at The State Opening of Parliament and shooting the entire contents of a packet of KP dry roast peanuts from her vaginal passage as the Prime Minister took up his seat in The House of Commons.

FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

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We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

Letters To The Editor

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Dear Sir

Here’s some sage advice for any of your readers who are caring for an elderly parent or relative.

Before mealtimes, give them a set of novelty clockwork teeth. They can then use these to pre-chew their food before actually putting it into their mouths.

Anne Fuck

Stepney

********

Dear Sir

I’m not a bigoted man, but I’d strongly advise the president of The United States to change the name of his country retreat, Camp David, to something a bit more manly.

How on earth does he expect despotic world leaders to mend their ways when he invites them for talks at a place with such a gay name?

I suggest he calls it Butch Brad, Assertive Al or No-Nonsense Mr Knuckles, or something along those lines.

Yours etc

Bill Pantypads

Wapping Dock

*******

Dear Sir

They say that many hands makes light work, but I’m the Hindu god, Vishnu, and despite having eight arms, and therefore quite a few hands, I have been unable to repair my bedside lamp no matter how hard I try.

Where’s the accuracy or fairness in that?

Yours etc

Vishnu Hardcastle

Shoreditch

**************

Dear Sir

I recently made myself feel like a top espionage agent by opening a Proton, encrypted email account. For added authenticity, I travelled to Moscow where I spent many hours, lurking in a shop doorway looking at The Kremlin through binoculars.

Michael Toad

Lubyanka Prison (Torture Wing)

Moscow

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