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FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

trumpster

We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

Letters To The Editor

stalin

Dear Sir

Here’s some sage advice for any of your readers who are caring for an elderly parent or relative.

Before mealtimes, give them a set of novelty clockwork teeth. They can then use these to pre-chew their food before actually putting it into their mouths.

Anne Fuck

Stepney

********

Dear Sir

I’m not a bigoted man, but I’d strongly advise the president of The United States to change the name of his country retreat, Camp David, to something a bit more manly.

How on earth does he expect despotic world leaders to mend their ways when he invites them for talks at a place with such a gay name?

I suggest he calls it Butch Brad, Assertive Al or No-Nonsense Mr Knuckles, or something along those lines.

Yours etc

Bill Pantypads

Wapping Dock

*******

Dear Sir

They say that many hands makes light work, but I’m the Hindu god, Vishnu, and despite having eight arms, and therefore quite a few hands, I have been unable to repair my bedside lamp no matter how hard I try.

Where’s the accuracy or fairness in that?

Yours etc

Vishnu Hardcastle

Shoreditch

**************

Dear Sir

I recently made myself feel like a top espionage agent by opening a Proton, encrypted email account. For added authenticity, I travelled to Moscow where I spent many hours, lurking in a shop doorway looking at The Kremlin through binoculars.

Michael Toad

Lubyanka Prison (Torture Wing)

Moscow

Adam Cartwright out of Bonanza found living in local pie shop.

Pernell Roberts, The Cowboy Adam Cartwright - YouTube

According to a local Whitechapel man, Adam Cartwright, the eldest son of Ben Cartwright out of the popular 1960s TV western series, Bonanza, is now living above a pie and eel shop in Roman Road in Bow where he makes a living trapping eels in the Thames estuary at Gravesend.

Toby Dell, 45, from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I first spotted Adam out of Bonanza when I went in Kelly’s in Roman Road for a pie and mash a few weeks back.

“He came in the shop carrying a basket of live eels. It was definitely him, he was wearing a cowboy outfit and had that miserable look on his face that he used to have when he was on telly

“I asked him for his autograph, but he drew his six-gun and warned me that if I came any closer I was going to get a belly full of lead, so I just left him to it.”

This news comes just two-weeks after Trampus from The Virginian was spotted driving a number 24 bus in Camden High Street.

No feisty but exceedingly attractive saloon girls named Miss Kitty were harmed during the writing of this news item – Ed.

INSIDE POLITICS: Covid-19 Update

boris-johnson-and-dominic-cummings

Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are currently appearing in the hilarious farce, No Diseases Please We’re British, at the York Hall, Bethnal Green.

Editor’s Note: If any foreign people are reading this errant nonsense in the press about the UK being the worst country for covid-19 deaths per million of the population, I urge you to dismiss it all as a tissue of leftie lies. We are, after all, the country where Nelson was born and where blue passports will soon be carried by every staunch Britisher. No virus would dare to infect this blessed plot. Oh dear me no. That’s right out, that is!

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Journo They Can’t Gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. 

The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude, there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. 

No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. 

If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Nigel Farage and Marie Le Pen down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. 

They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. 

No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably dead, especially, Richard Littlejohn of The Express. No, that’s right out that is.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The extreme right-wing journo they can’t gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

All this coronavirus business. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

In my view, it’s a complete fabrication, dreamed up by leftie snowflakes to pour cold water on Brexit and to discredit President Trump.

If I was Boris, I’d round up all these malingerers with so-called covid-19 and shoot the bloody lot of ’em at dawn.

This great country of hours needs men of character and women that realise that their place is to walk two yards behind them, not a bunch of light-footed, libtard fairies and sensible shoe-wearing harridans, clumping down the road like Irish navvies.

And while we’re on the subject of fairies. You couldn’t make ’em up, could you?

Take that Philip Schofield off the telly for example. He’s whining about self-isolating himself for two weeks in case he’s got coronavirus.

Self-isolating? I would have thought he’s had enough of being cooped-up lately. The bloody great poof only got out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, for Christ’s sake.

If I had my way, I’d round up all these light-footed pooftahs and hang the lot of ’em at dawn.

Here’s something else you couldn’t make up. I actually saw a bloke in the pub, handing over a bunch of flowers to a woman the other day.

I nearly choked on my pint. What is a woman doing in a public house when there’s cooking and cleaning to be done?

You quite literally couldn’t make people like these up and the sooner the government grows a spine and beheads a few at dawn, the sooner this country will get some respect from foreigners. Like we used to in the war.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is sub-editor of Jew-Baiters and Fascist Caravaners Monthly

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is absolutely not based on, swivel-eyed, Daily Express cunt, Richard Littlejohn, in any way, shape or form. No, that’s right out that is.

EXTRA!

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We were going to lead with a piece about President Trump’s assertion yesterday that ‘old flu vaccine’ could be used to innoculate against covid-19 but we were concerned that our reputation as doughty and fearless purveyors of truth might come under fire. – Ed

Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

brexit 50p

The staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his neck was really red and he kept muttering to himself about taking back control, the blacks, and unelected bureaucrats.

“I tapped him on the shoulder and tried to point out he was in the wrong queue but he got really upset and started shouting.

“At first, he accused me of talking to him in foreign.

“He then said I was after his job and wanted to enter the UK to live on unemployment benefits while sitting at home all day with the curtains drawn watching a flatscreen television.

“I wouldn’t mind but I’m a white English hairdresser from Essex”

Mr Browning was eventually led away by Dutch police who later charged him with disturbing the peace and defacing the cover of his European passport which he had coloured in with a blue crayon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This skit was rejected by one of the satire heavyweights yesterday and it’s not difficult to see why

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

landrover

The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

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