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Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Journo They Can’t Gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. 

The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude, there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. 

No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. 

If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Nigel Farage and Marie Le Pen down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. 

They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. 

No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably dead, especially, Richard Littlejohn of The Express. No, that’s right out that is.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The extreme right-wing journo they can’t gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

All this coronavirus business. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

In my view, it’s a complete fabrication, dreamed up by leftie snowflakes to pour cold water on Brexit and to discredit President Trump.

If I was Boris, I’d round up all these malingerers with so-called covid-19 and shoot the bloody lot of ’em at dawn.

This great country of hours needs men of character and women that realise that their place is to walk two yards behind them, not a bunch of light-footed, libtard fairies and sensible shoe-wearing harridans, clumping down the road like Irish navvies.

And while we’re on the subject of fairies. You couldn’t make ’em up, could you?

Take that Philip Schofield off the telly for example. He’s whining about self-isolating himself for two weeks in case he’s got coronavirus.

Self-isolating? I would have thought he’s had enough of being cooped-up lately. The bloody great poof only got out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, for Christ’s sake.

If I had my way, I’d round up all these light-footed pooftahs and hang the lot of ’em at dawn.

Here’s something else you couldn’t make up. I actually saw a bloke in the pub, handing over a bunch of flowers to a woman the other day.

I nearly choked on my pint. What is a woman doing in a public house when there’s cooking and cleaning to be done?

You quite literally couldn’t make people like these up and the sooner the government grows a spine and beheads a few at dawn, the sooner this country will get some respect from foreigners. Like we used to in the war.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is sub-editor of Jew-Baiters and Fascist Caravaners Monthly

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is absolutely not based on, swivel-eyed, Daily Express cunt, Richard Littlejohn, in any way, shape or form. No, that’s right out that is.

EXTRA!

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We were going to lead with a piece about President Trump’s assertion yesterday that ‘old flu vaccine’ could be used to innoculate against covid-19 but we were concerned that our reputation as doughty and fearless purveyors of truth might come under fire. – Ed

Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

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The staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his neck was really red and he kept muttering to himself about taking back control, the blacks, and unelected bureaucrats.

“I tapped him on the shoulder and tried to point out he was in the wrong queue but he got really upset and started shouting.

“At first, he accused me of talking to him in foreign.

“He then said I was after his job and wanted to enter the UK to live on unemployment benefits while sitting at home all day with the curtains drawn watching a flatscreen television.

“I wouldn’t mind but I’m a white English hairdresser from Essex”

Mr Browning was eventually led away by Dutch police who later charged him with disturbing the peace and defacing the cover of his European passport which he had coloured in with a blue crayon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This skit was rejected by one of the satire heavyweights yesterday and it’s not difficult to see why

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

landrover

The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

Bereaved local mother slams women’s sanitary products ads

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A period of unease. Did these products lead to a young girl’s death?

The mother of a teenage girl who collapsed and died during her menstrual cycle broke down in front of reporters earlier today before furiously hitting out at the advertising campaigns employed by the makers of women’s sanitary products.

Mrs Mary Dell, 32, of Dock Street, Whitechapel, whose 17-year-old daughter, Tracy, collapsed and died whilst playing tennis in a pair of dazzlingly white shorts, believes that advertising campaigns which portray various women participating in a variety of sports and strenuous outdoor activities during menstruation are misleading and a bad influence on impressionable youngsters.

“Tracy was always a quiet and studious child who much preferred being indoors curled up with a book or chatting to her friends on Facebook to taking part in outdoor sports and so on,” she said.

“But as soon as she began her period her whole demeanour would change and almost immediately she’d put on blindingly white clothing before going off rock climbing, abseiling, roller blading and so on.

“She would even wait for a really windy day before going out for a game of tennis in a tiny skirt with a pair of white knickers on so that people could see how confident she was that her tampon wouldn’t let her down. I’m convinced that the physical demands on her body were to blame for her death

“In my day, we’d just stay in during our time of the month and help our mums with the housework, or sit up in our bedrooms reading books with a face like thunder. These companies have got a lot to answer for if you ask me”

The CEO of Discreet & Sure Products, Mrs Amanda Carter, spoke to reporters outside the company’s headquarters in Shoreditch last night.

“Of course we’re deeply sorry to learn of this terrible tragedy and our thoughts are with Tracy’s family at this distressing time, but we totally refute any allegations that we’re harming youngsters by encouraging them to pursue an active lifestyle during their menstrual cycle.

In fact, I’m in the middle of a particularly heavy period myself at the moment and cant wait to begin scaling a rockface wearing a pair of skintight white trousers and no knickers.”

Prince Andrew to Enter The Jungle as I’m A Celeb ‘Latecomer’

See the source image
“I say, could one direct one to Wichetty Grub Express?”

Following yesterday’s announcement that he will be withdrawing from all public duties, beleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has been unveiled as one of the so-called, ‘Latecomers’ on the hit TV reality show, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

The 59-year-old prince is believed to be hoping that the publicity will be good for his shattered image and that the public will warm to him and forget the fact that he hangs out with paedophiles, has sex with underage females and then lies about the whole shebang on national television.

It is understood that he has received assurances from the show’s producers that he won’t be made to eat any creepy-crawlies that have not been prepared by his personal chef, and that his tormentor-in-chief during his recent, ‘car crash’ interview, Emily Maitlis, won’t be joining the contestants at any point in the future.

The show’s presenters, Ant and Dec, were delighted to learn of the prince’s imminent arrival and joked: “At least the others won’t have to worry about him pinching their deodorants”

A spokesman for the Royal Family gave a brief statement last night: “Her Majesty, The Queen, has given her permission for Prince Andrew to take part in the show on the understanding that no young girls are present and that His Royal Highness keeps his mouth shut about Prince Philip’s sexual misdemeanours and also her late sister, Princess Margaret’s over-fondness for pre-pubescent East London chimney sweeps in the 1940s”

The prince will be entering the jungle later today, although it is understood that he has been refused permission to pilot the helicopter or to stop en route for a pizza.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

Local woman drowned tot in a bucket after ‘Benny Hill’ jibe

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Tragic tot, Toby, pictured in happier times

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned her 3-year-old son in a bucket after a comment was made on social media likening the youngster to the late comedian, Benny Hill, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Tracy Dell, a single mother from York Street, had entered her son, Toby, in a newspaper’s ‘Beautiful Baby’ competition in July this year.

The following day, a Facebook comment was made by someone on Miss Dell’s friends list, pointing out the likeness between the child and the podgy1970s comic.

Pleading guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, Miss Dell told the court: “To me, Toby was beautiful in every way, so when I spotted that he’d been likened to Benny Hill, something snapped and I grabbed his ankles and dropped him headfirst into a bucket of water.

“In my mind, I thought I’d be doing him a favour and would be saving Toby from a lifetime of ridicule.

“After all, it’s every mother’s instinct to protect her child and that’s what I thought I was doing”

The jury was later shown pictures of the child, which prompted a number of them to suppress laughter and for one of them to repeatedly slap a small bald juror on top of his head.

The case continues.

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