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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

Local woman drowned tot in a bucket after ‘Benny Hill’ jibe

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Tragic tot, Toby, pictured in happier times

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned her 3-year-old son in a bucket after a comment was made on social media likening the youngster to the late comedian, Benny Hill, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Tracy Dell, a single mother from York Street, had entered her son, Toby, in a newspaper’s ‘Beautiful Baby’ competition in July this year.

The following day, a Facebook comment was made by someone on Miss Dell’s friends list, pointing out the likeness between the child and the podgy1970s comic.

Pleading guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, Miss Dell told the court: “To me, Toby was beautiful in every way, so when I spotted that he’d been likened to Benny Hill, something snapped and I grabbed his ankles and dropped him headfirst into a bucket of water.

“In my mind, I thought I’d be doing him a favour and would be saving Toby from a lifetime of ridicule.

“After all, it’s every mother’s instinct to protect her child and that’s what I thought I was doing”

The jury was later shown pictures of the child, which prompted a number of them to suppress laughter and for one of them to repeatedly slap a small bald juror on top of his head.

The case continues.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

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Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Jacob Rees Mogg held following ‘frenzied attack’ on Honey Boo Boo

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Boo Boo pictured outside Horseferry Road magistrates court yesterday

Controversial Conservative backbencher and leading Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been remanded in custody by Horseferry Road magistrates after allegedly attacking, child tv personality, Honey Boo Boo, with a Victorian life-preserver – a type of wooden cudgel.

Rees-Mogg, 49, allegedly lay in wait for the youngster outside The Marriot Hotel in Westminster where she was staying during a family holiday with her parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear.

According to an eye-witness, the Tory MP for North-East Somerset, launched a frenzied attack on Boo Boo as she made her way to a waiting Uber taxi, bludgeoning her to the ground before making off towards Vauxhall Bridge.

A close friend of the Tory toff told us last night: “I’m not surprised that Jacob has battered Honey Boo Boo.

“He’s never liked her and used to slag her off in Latin whenever her show was on.

” I once saw him kick his telly screen in during an episode in which Honey was being fitted for a beauty pageant ball gown”

In 2014, Rees-Mogg was fined £150 and bound over to keep the peace after punching, American singing star, Little Jimmy Osmond, in the stomach in a restaurant in Knightsbridge.

Entire staff and pupils of local school have seen each other’s genitals online

It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.

The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.

The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.

“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.

“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”

The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.

EXTRA!

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The Whitechapel Whelk is now being given away free, along with the London Evening Standard, at all TFL rail and bus stations. We strongly refute recent allegations of overcharging – Ed

WORLD NEWS

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You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed

Local man freed after 5 days trapped in Google Plus

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A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has been freed by rescue workers after spending 5 days trapped in the now-defunct, internet-based social media network, Google Plus.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, was eventually found trapped under a number of photographs of people’s dinners and snaps of unpleasant-looking children following a three-day search by Google IT staff.

Mr Dell is now being treated in hospital for exhaustion, dehydration, and extreme boredom.

It is believed he became trapped after logging in by accident last Friday, just hours before Google closed the troubled site due to slow traffic and dire content.

In a similar incident last year, a 37-year-old woman was found dead in the online, employment-oriented website, Linkedin, after she was buried under an avalanche of fake job-experience claims and highly-questionable CVs.

The Arts & Entertainment

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Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme and Michael Cohen

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