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Reviews & Testimonials

‘I could hardly get out of bed until this device changed my life. Thanks Erect-O-Mate! – Lazarus

‘I’ve never been more erect in my life’ – Dame Judy Dench

‘Absolute rubbish! I sent mine back after one go with it’ – Quasimodo

‘I asked for a recount after mine arrived to make sure there was only one in the box. I paid three million bucks, only to find there were two’ – Thanks Whitechapel Mint for sending it so beautifully and preciously – Donald Trump

‘A boon after sixteen pints of heavy in the Scotland Yard canteen’ – PC Ted Stupor

‘I use mine to maintain a perfect posture while I’m drinking the orphan blood that Bill Gates sends me’ – Tom Hanks

Guarantee – If you’re not 100% satisfied with your Erect-O-Mate, just contact our Customer Relations Department and they’ll send round a couple of heavies to boot you from arseole to Saturday within seven days 

Trump: I’ve been pouring boiling horse liniment in my ears to clear up my toe fungus

US President, Donald Trump, has made the astonishing claim that for the past three weeks he has been treating a fungal infection between his toes by pouring boiling horse liniment into both his ears.

“It’s pretty painful I have to tell you,” he told newsmen at a briefing last night. “In fact, I have to ask Melania to do it for me while I bite down on a piece of wood, but I have to say, she’s been more than happy to help and even insists on doing it twice to be on the safe side.

“So far there’s been no improvement but I’ve been told by my tremendous advisor, Dr Anthony Fauci, who’s a great guy, by the way, to keep going and that it often takes around six months to take effect.

“I mean to say, if it can work on something as big as a horse it has to work on humans too, right?”

A spokesman for the American health department said last night. “Horse linament is only efficacious when treating strains and minor muscle tears in horses.

“If the president persists with this practice it will undoubtedly kill him but don’t tell him I said that.

“I guess it’s slightly better than mainlining drain cleaner but there ain’t really much in it”

Trump attracted further criticism yesterday when he blamed former president, Barack Obama, for a recent spate of molehill damage to his golf course at Mar A Lago.

US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

Homoeopaths told you’ve had your fun but now it’s time to start saving lives

The scientific community has appealed to all practitioners of homoeopathy to stop sitting on their hands and to come to the aid of the fight against the deadly, covid-19 virus.

A spokesman for the World Science Council told newsmen last night: “This coronavirus situation is becoming pretty serious and we now believe it’s time for the big boys to step up to the plate before we end up with a global disaster on our hands

“We realise that homoeopaths have been sitting back and enjoying watching us struggle, safe in the knowledge that they can step forward at any point and put the whole thing to bed by giving us all some grass juice to drink or something along those lines.

“However, the scientific and medical community feel that it’s now time to put aside petty rivalries for the good of mankind.

“So we are appealing to all homoeopaths to come forward and bail us out of this mess asap”

The Association of Homoeopaths responded in a written statement last night “We freely admit to having enjoyed watching all those so-called medical experts failing miserably to save mankind with their futile searches for testing kits and potentially deadly vaccines.

“However, we do accept that the death toll is getting a little bit naughty and realise that it’s our duty to step into the breach”

The first homoeopathic remedy, Icke’s Vapour Rub, will go on sale at £70 per-50-centilitre bottle later on today at a number of health food outlets with a strict, one bottle per-sucker limit in place until everybody’s feeling better.

Government ‘will not rest’ until every coronavirus victim has a hospital trolley in a corridor vows Health Secretary

Matt Hancock pictured last night

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, yesterday assured the country that the government are pulling out all the stops to ensure that in the event of an outbreak of covid-19 in Britain every sufferer will have access to a hospital trolley where they can recuperate in a corridor until they either die or are passed fit enough to get back to work.

In a defiant speech in the Commons yesterday, Hancock said: “I am fairly confident that anybody admitted to hospital with coronavirus will get the best possible care that can be administered while being on an NHS trolley in a corridor.

“We have ordered several hundred new trolleys and have been working tirelessly with senior clinicians to ensure that the best possible care is given to each and every patient.

“To this end, we have devised a system of hot bunking, so that as soon as one patient either dies or is discharged, another can quickly be bedded down on the vacant trolley.

“The government will not rest until anyone unable to get a bed has full access to a trolley for at least an hour or so.

“These are worrying times for the country so we would encourage people to concentrate on happier matters, such as the regaining of our sovereignty, Dame Vera Lynn and Spitfires, or how we managed perfectly well without the EU at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift”

It is understood that elderly sufferers will be given priority access to a trolley, while younger people and those without a British passport will be given a blanket and a broom cupboard for a few nights if they’re unable to walk home following assessment.

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

Man-Coronavirus far more debilitating says world health body.

The World Health Organisation stated last night, that, according to research, men suffering from the virulent, coronavirus disease will experience debilitating symptoms far in excess of those suffered by women

A WHO spokesman told a news conference last night: “It has now been established beyond any shadow of a doubt that men with coronavirus will suffer far more debilitating effects from the illness than their female counterparts

“A male sufferer can expect to be confined to the sofa with a box of man-size tissues and the TV remote control for anything up to six weeks.

“Doing any form of work around the house will be totally out of the question, and, in extreme cases, they may even have to be helped to the toilet and up the stairs to bed by a female partner.

“Women, on the other hand, will feel quite unwell and physically weak, but will still be able to cook meals, clean the house and take the kids to school, as well as make cups of sweet tea with a drop of whiskey in it for their stricken male partners as they heroically battle for life on the sofa”.

 

HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

Sword Swallowing and You: A Pictorial Essay

It is with deep regret that we must tell you that Marvo lost his battle and was taken from us on Christmas Eve 2018.

He will be remembered for his CUTTING  wit, his SHARP intellect, and his willingness to SHIELD others from harm while backing them up to the HILT etc.

May he rust in peace – Ed