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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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medicine

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

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Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Local man expresses concern at Bill Gates’ continued failure to switch off vaccinated ma-in-law

vax

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk of his disquiet over the hitherto failure of Microsoft mogul, Bill Gates, to kill his mother-in-law after the 79-year-old received her first covid-19 jab last Thursday

Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dorset Street, told us: “I’d read on the internet that Bill Gates has put a microchip in these vaccines so that he can switch people off if they refuse to do his will.

“Well, the wife’s mother had her jab last week and hasn’t even received her instructions yet, much less been killed for refusing to obey them.

“Once again it’s another example of rich people promising us the moon and failing to deliver.”

Mr Gates was unavailable for comment last night but a website dedicated to his role in vaccine development informed us that he’s only been switching off the over-90s and vegetarians so far but has now deployed his faithful lackeys, Tom Hanks and Nancy Pelosi to deal with the backlog.

If you felt your hackles rising at the mention of Ms Pelosi you’re definitely a Republican arseole and should go boil your fucking head in a bucket – Ed

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Trump: I’ve been pouring boiling horse liniment in my ears to clear up my toe fungus

trump melana justin

US President, Donald Trump, has made the astonishing claim that for the past three weeks he has been treating a fungal infection between his toes by pouring boiling horse liniment into both his ears.

“It’s pretty painful I have to tell you,” he told newsmen at a briefing last night. “In fact, I have to ask Melania to do it for me while I bite down on a piece of wood, but I have to say, she’s been more than happy to help and even insists on doing it twice to be on the safe side.

“So far there’s been no improvement but I’ve been told by my tremendous advisor, Dr Anthony Fauci, who’s a great guy, by the way, to keep going and that it often takes around six months to take effect.

“I mean to say, if it can work on something as big as a horse it has to work on humans too, right?”

A spokesman for the American health department said last night. “Horse linament is only efficacious when treating strains and minor muscle tears in horses.

“If the president persists with this practice it will undoubtedly kill him but don’t tell him I said that.

“I guess it’s slightly better than mainlining drain cleaner but there ain’t really much in it”

Trump attracted further criticism yesterday when he blamed former president, Barack Obama, for a recent spate of molehill damage to his golf course at Mar A Lago.

US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

trump batman

A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

Homoeopaths told you’ve had your fun but now it’s time to start saving lives

man and woman drinking milkshake

The scientific community has appealed to all practitioners of homoeopathy to stop sitting on their hands and to come to the aid of the fight against the deadly, covid-19 virus.

A spokesman for the World Science Council told newsmen last night: “This coronavirus situation is becoming pretty serious and we now believe it’s time for the big boys to step up to the plate before we end up with a global disaster on our hands

“We realise that homoeopaths have been sitting back and enjoying watching us struggle, safe in the knowledge that they can step forward at any point and put the whole thing to bed by giving us all some grass juice to drink or something along those lines.

“However, the scientific and medical community feel that it’s now time to put aside petty rivalries for the good of mankind.

“So we are appealing to all homoeopaths to come forward and bail us out of this mess asap”

The Association of Homoeopaths responded in a written statement last night “We freely admit to having enjoyed watching all those so-called medical experts failing miserably to save mankind with their futile searches for testing kits and potentially deadly vaccines.

“However, we do accept that the death toll is getting a little bit naughty and realise that it’s our duty to step into the breach”

The first homoeopathic remedy, Icke’s Vapour Rub, will go on sale at £70 per-50-centilitre bottle later on today at a number of health food outlets with a strict, one bottle per-sucker limit in place until everybody’s feeling better.

Government ‘will not rest’ until every coronavirus victim has a hospital trolley in a corridor vows Health Secretary

coronavirus
Matt Hancock pictured last night

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, yesterday assured the country that the government are pulling out all the stops to ensure that in the event of an outbreak of covid-19 in Britain every sufferer will have access to a hospital trolley where they can recuperate in a corridor until they either die or are passed fit enough to get back to work.

In a defiant speech in the Commons yesterday, Hancock said: “I am fairly confident that anybody admitted to hospital with coronavirus will get the best possible care that can be administered while being on an NHS trolley in a corridor.

“We have ordered several hundred new trolleys and have been working tirelessly with senior clinicians to ensure that the best possible care is given to each and every patient.

“To this end, we have devised a system of hot bunking, so that as soon as one patient either dies or is discharged, another can quickly be bedded down on the vacant trolley.

“The government will not rest until anyone unable to get a bed has full access to a trolley for at least an hour or so.

“These are worrying times for the country so we would encourage people to concentrate on happier matters, such as the regaining of our sovereignty, Dame Vera Lynn and Spitfires, or how we managed perfectly well without the EU at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift”

It is understood that elderly sufferers will be given priority access to a trolley, while younger people and those without a British passport will be given a blanket and a broom cupboard for a few nights if they’re unable to walk home following assessment.

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

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Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

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