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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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medicine

HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

jacob sovereignty rub

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

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Sword Swallowing and You: A Pictorial Essay

marvo

It is with deep regret that we must tell you that Marvo lost his battle and was taken from us on Christmas Eve 2018.

He will be remembered for his CUTTING  wit, his SHARP intellect, and his willingness to SHIELD others from harm while backing them up to the HILT etc.

May he rust in peace – Ed

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

Whitechapel Named European District of Rupture

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The coveted, Golden Truss of Montreaux. Notice how its goldness has faded down the years due to wear and tear and so on

The people of Whitechapel were in jubilant mood last night after beating off stiff competition from over 500 major towns across Europe to win the prestigious, European District of Rupture Award, the first East London area ever to do so.

Each year, the prestigious, Golden Truss of Montreaux, is awarded to the town or district which can boast the highest number of people per square mile who are suffering from a rupture.

Whitechapel narrowly pipped Berne in Switzerland for the crown by notching up an estimated 67 rupturees, compared to 63 from their Swiss rivals.

Whitechapel’s Mayor, The Honourable Toby Dell, MBE, told newsmen: “This is a great accolade for the area and a tribute to its people.

“I knew that a lot of people round here were ruptured but I had no idea it was this many.

“I’m actually ruptured myself but was unable to be counted because of my high office, otherwise, we’d have thrashed the others by even more”

Whitechapel’s triumph comes just a year after Bermondsey in South London won the highly prized, World District of Erectile Dysfunction Award for a record fourth year in succession.

Cancer Sufferers launch crowdfund to have James Corden fired into the Sun

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Spot the fat misogynist. You can have more than one answer

Over 20,000 people suffering from various forms of cancer have responded to a crowdfunding appeal to have the popular actor and TV personality, James Corden, fired into the Sun.

The appeal was launched by a small group of patients and staff members at The Royal Marsden Hospital in Surrey on Wednesday in response to news that Corden is to star in a special edition of his hit TV show, Carpool Karaoke, to raise money for the Stand Up To Cancer appeal.

A hospital spokesman told newsmen: “When these patients heard that James was going to be associating himself with their condition they immediately launched an online appeal for funds to cover the cost of having the wholly unpleasant twat fired into the Sun.

“I know that many of the hospital staff have also dug deep, in the hope that the seriously unfunny moon-faced chump will be vaporised by the Sun’s rays as soon as possible”

This move comes just a month after people suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome raised close to half a million pounds in two weeks to pay for the extreme right-wing political pundit, Nigel Farage, to be bombarded with gamma rays and then dropped from an aircraft over Faisalabad without a parachute.

The measles vaccine caused my 3-year-old kid to slay 27 says local mother

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A Whitechapel mother has told The Whelk that her 3-year-old daughter embarked on a killing spree that left 27 schoolchildren dead just 2 years after having been administered a vaccine to ward off measles

Tracy Dell, 22, told us: “It was just a day like any other. I parked my car at the top of a steep hill and left my 3-year-old daughter in the passenger seat while I went into a tobacconist to get some smokes and a Lucky Dip ticket.

“While I was in there, the kid must have released the handbrake causing the car to roll down the hill into a queue of schoolkids waiting for a bus.

“The next day, I did some internet research into kids who kill and it soon became obvious that the measles jab was wholly to blame.

“Apparently, vaccination causes all sorts of brain disorders, including, murderous psychosis

“I rue the day I took her for her shot, to be honest.

“In future, she can take her chances with killer diseases and the same goes for any other sprogs I have in the future.”

Mrs Dell asked that her fee for this interview be awarded to, ImbecilesAgainstImmunisation.com

WHELK EXCLUSIVE: Norway and Sweden to be treated for erectile dysfunction

 

norway
Cock and ball story. Norway and Sweden pictured letting the side down last night

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that the Scandinavian countries of Norway and Sweden are going to seek treatment for the erectile difficulty which has plagued the two nations ever since they were formed during the ice age.

It is believed that Finland urged its two closest neighbours to seek help after a 12-year-old Finnish schoolboy pointed out that the 3 countries together look like a diagram of a cock and balls and that Norway and Sweden are failing to achieve anything even close to a workable boner.

We have also learned that nearby Greenland and the north of Scotland have offered to help by dressing up as French maids before engaging in a saucy, country-on-country lesbian sex romp while the other three watch.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece then we would suggest you’re a pathetic and laughable excuse for a man and your best bet would be to drown yourself in a bucket and leave it to us real men to sort the women out – Ed

tablet viagra

Middle-aged local man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen

 

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Mr Dell’s spleen pictured in happier times during a recent holiday in Crete

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night after rupturing his spleen as he tried to hop nimbly from the road onto the pavement in front of an attractive young woman yesterday afternoon.

Toby Dell, a married man and father of 7, told The Whelk: “It was against my better judgement, but when I saw the girl looking in my direction, I attempted a carefree and nimble hop onto the pavement. I immediately felt this sharp pain and collapsed to the ground with a ruptured spleen.”

We managed to trace the girl concerned last night who told our reporter that Mr Dell “needs to grow up” and that, in her opinion, he was, “a fucking idiot”

This incident comes just a week after a 50-year-old man from Bethnal Green was killed instantly when he tried to vault over a car park railing in front of a group of schoolgirls.

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